The Debate Liberals Are Dying to Hear
Bob Schieffer: Mr. President, you won the coin toss so you get to have the final closing statement.
President Barack Obama: Thank you, Bob. First, I'd like to once again extend my sincere gratitude to the lovely city of Boca Raton, Florida and Lynn University for hosting this foreign policy debate. It's been an honor. Now, since nine o'clock tonight, my opponent Governor Romney has been making shit shovel sales spike higher than I did gun sales four years ago.
Mitt Romney: Now, hold on, there...
Obama: Willard, shut. The. Fuck. Up. Shut the fuck up before I break my ankle trying to dig my foot out of your uptight, white lily ass.
Romney: (Sputter) Bob, he can't talk to me like that. I'm richer...
Schieffer: Shut the fuck up, Governor. Mr. President, please continue.
Obama: Thank you, Bob. Now, this lying piece of plastic dog shit sitting on my right has been putting a lot of crapola out there and, as usual, none of it's true. Oh, there may be particles of truth in what he's saying much in the same way you see corn kernels in your stool after eating corn on the cob the night before. But let's set the record straight: I did indeed on 9/12 condemn the attack in Benghazi on 9/11 as an act of terror. You and your flying monkey squadron have been making hay out of the fact that I didn't specifically say the attack on the embassy in Benghazi was an act of terror or that I didn't use the word terrorism and have even feigned ignorance that I was even talking about Benghazi. (Turns to Romney)
Well, why the fuck did you think I was in the Rose Garden to begin with, stupid? So the White House press corps could photograph me smelling the fucking things? And if the act of terror to which I was alluding wasn't about the embassy attack, then what the fuck did you think I was talking about? You porking Ann in your magical fundie undies during your Baron-Does-the-Scullery-Maid role-playing sex games?
At least I got the timeline right. You couldn't even do that while you skipped to the nearest microphone right after the stroke of midnight to bone-fuck those poor people who lost their lives in that attack just to score political brownie points. And you right wing mouth-breathers are faux-outraged over me supposedly waiting 14 days to even use the word "terror" when you losers had eight years to get bin Laden and didn't!
Oh, and by the way, Willard, "Benghazi" is one word, not two. And it wasn't a 1950's TV medical drama.
Romney: Oh, yes it was!
Obama: Secondly, I don't even know why we bothered with this charade. Foreign policy? After your overseas trip last August, you showed you had less foreign policy experience and aptitude than Joe Biden's cock. You managed to piss off every country you ever went to and even some you didn't. I thought you Republicans were supposed to be great at foreign policy. Nixon and Reagan must be puking their rotten guts out in a pond of fire and brimstone right now listening to you and your button-eyed, granny-killing Eddie Haskel clone from Cheeseville.
Romney: Bob, I must protest! He can't treat me like this...!
Obama: Willard, you see that Secret Service agent standing at stage left? The one glaring at you, with his right hand in his blazer? His wife just left him today. I wouldn't piss him off any more, if I were you.
Now, to move on: I got us out of Iraq and I'm getting us out of Afghanistan in less than two years. If you had your way, we'd be in Afghanistan for so long even the fucking Taliban would eventually be wearing tie-dyed Jimi Hendrix tee shirts. You'd have our military in more countries than motherfucking McDonald's.
Romney: Tagg, you worthless piece of shit! Where are you?! Do something! Tagg?
Obama: In summation, it's abundantly obvious that the sum total of my opponent's foreign policy experience is in shipping jobs by the bale to China and visiting his money in seven offshore tax havens. I actually can't believe I'm standing on the same stage for the third time in a row with this silicon-based serial liar. (Points at Romney, chuckling) I mean, Jesus, Mitt, you're the best the Republican Party could come up with even though you guys had over three years? I have got to be the luckiest son of a bitch in American politics since LBJ! Thank you.
Schieffer: And so ends the third and final presidential debate...