Friday, May 17, 2013

Obama's Bulworth Moment

     The New York Times yesterday published a piece quoting Obama aides as saying the president often fantasizes about having a Bulworth moment. Obviously, that will never happen because while Obama would be shooting from the hip, he'd also be shooting himself in the foot because he's also the cause or at least the owner of many of the problems facing us today.
     However, to liberals who have longed to hear Obama speak his mind about Republicans, it's just as tempting as it is to the president to speculate on what he'd say. George Washington delivered a memorable farewell address loaded with advice we've, tragically, ignored. Dwight Eisenhower, just a few days before he made way for Kennedy, warned us about the "rise of the military-industrial complex", another lesson we've, even more tragically, ignored.
     Yet, while Obama has done absolutely nothing to significantly change the country he'd inherited from a walking brain stem (and in some ways, he's made it worse), it can't be said the Republican Party has been going out of its stumble-footed way to help him achieve some lasting and meaningful legacy. The Republicans yesterday voted for the 37th time to repeal ObamaCare without once during this 113th Congress passed or even proposed a jobs bill. They screamed about birth certificates, gay marriage, about a fictional national registry for gun owners (which isn't a bad idea, btw), death panels, everything but the one thing Americans are most concerned about: Jobs. Solid gun control measures (As of this writing, 4154 Americans have died from gun-related violence just since Sandy Hook last December.).
     The idea of Obama going all Bulworth at the end of his presidency is to a writer like me like a slow hanging curve ball or a fat, batting practice fastball to a slugger. So let's just pretend Obama isn't the worst president in American history and blithely pretend, as all too many of us do, as if drones, the NDAA, a perpetually high unemployment rate and caving to the GOP's every whim never happened. Let's all pretend that Obama is a legitimate victim, a statesman who really just tried but failed to do the right thing purely because of Republican obstructionism. This is what I imagine he'd say in his farewell address in January 2017:

     "My fellow Americans:
     "For these past eight years, it has been my distinct honor and privilege to serve as your president. As my career in public service winds down, I have taken this opportunity to deliver this farewell address.
     "This administration had achieved several great things in the time allotted to me but so many more great things could have been achieved were it not for the pin-headed meat puppets of the Koch brothers, Wall Street, NOM and other evangelical nutjob organizations, Goldman Sachs and the National Rifle Association. And by pin-headed meat puppets, I mean the Republican Party.
     "Now, the racist cock goblins of the Republican Party have been throwing every stumbling block and conspiracy theory out there and hoping they'd make at least one stick regardless of how detrimentally this would affect the nation. During my first term, I had to endure charges of being Muslim, being born in Kenya and et cetera. In my second term, I had to hear conspiracy theories about Benghazi, about the IRS in Cincinnati, about my Justice Department seizing the AP's phone records.
     "None of them stuck even while they tried to undermine my initiatives for sensible immigration reform, job creation and modest gun control measures. Instead, they gave us sequestration then voted for exceptions to sequestration so they could make their flights in time while unemployment benefits got cut by 11% and children in Head Start couldn't go to class.
     "Fucking doofuses like Paul Ryan voted to cut well over a quarter of a billion dollars from the embassy security budget then when Benghazi got attacked, suddenly it was my fault. Like Jackie Robinson his first two years in the majors, I had endure this bullshit with good grace and act presidential so the aforementioned racist cock goblins of the GOP wouldn't string me up on the nearest elm like it was 1800 Alabama instead of 1600 Pennsylvania. But now, in the waning hours of the presidency, I give this farewell address to say first and foremost that the Republicans can suck my black 10-inch cock.
     "Yes, suck on that big black puppy, for helping to keep America in the Dark Ages, for trying to deny women reproductive health care and contraception, for trying to deny same sex couples the right to marry, for trying to repeal even the watered-down Affordable Care Act, child labor laws, the Civil Rights Act, the Voting Rights Act and for outsourcing so many American jobs that they've practically turned this once-great nation into one of minimum wage-earning drones selling beef jerky at 7-11. Buff my black bishop and take it easy on the back stroke.
     "The 111th, 112th and 113th Congresses will go down in history as the three worst in American history thanks in large measure to the Grand Old Party. Thanks to upholstered fossils like John McCain, this country that used to lead the planet in science, medicine, mathematics and a whole spectrum of scientific and technical disciplines has become a mockery. As with the previous administration led by a dry drunk, wet-brained freak, they've waged war on all the sciences including but not limited to meteorology, medicine, astronomy, anthropology to the point where I was amazed every day of my administration the Republican-led House didn't try to make official an Act proclaiming the fucking earth is flat. Really, kudos for recognizing it isn't and for accepting gravity.
     "And instead of working with this administration on a jobs bill that would put Americans back to work and off unemployment and welfare and food stamps, instead of actually acting on the jobs platform they'd run on in 2010 and 2012, all we heard were 'Tax cuts!' and 'Benghazi!' and a whole raft of hood ornament issues designed to obfuscate the truth from being known and to supplant real legislation that could've pulled this country out of the mess that my special needs predecessor got us into.
     "So every Republican from John Boehner on down can suck on my Alabama blacksnake until it spits all over the Capitol for doing their level-headed best for trying to take down my administration over trifles and Tea Bagger conspiracy theories oozing from Alex Jones' sweat glands. The right wing portion of the Supreme Court can polish my big black newel post for Citizen's United, erroneously redefining the 2nd Amendment and for wiping their fat asses with the Constitution. Justice Clarence Thomas can swallow my Dannon cannon in complete silence. He makes me ashamed I'm half black.
     "My fellow Americans, we still have many different tough roads to travel and they're made rockier and darker than ever by the highwaymen of the Republican Party who will not be satisfied until they've filched and pocketed every last penny from your pockets and off the eyes of your dead relatives. These ventriloquist dummies of the Koch brothers, white shoe Wall Street firms and virtually every billionaire on the planet have held this nation back for so long it's a miracle we still have the capacity to make fire. They should all go down on the 99% one at a time so we can all cum together in righteous rage and indignation at what these prehistoric peckerheads have done to you.
     "In conclusion, my fellow Americans, it has been my honor to serve you as your president these past eight years. Good night and God bless."


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

KindleindaWind, my writing blog.

All Time Classics

  • Our Worse Half: The 25 Most Embarrassing States.
  • The Missing Security Tapes From the World Trade Center.
  • It's a Blunderful Life.
  • The Civil War II
  • Sweet Jesus, I Hate America
  • Top Ten Conservative Books
  • I Am Mr. Ed
  • Glenn Beck: Racist, Hate Monger, Comedian
  • The Ten Worst Music Videos of all Time
  • Assclowns of the Week

  • Links to the first 33 Assclowns of the Week.
  • Links to Assclowns of the Week 38-63.
  • #106: The Turkey Has Landed edition
  • #105: Blame it on Paris or Putin edition
  • #104: Make Racism Great Again Also Labor Day edition
  • #103: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Toilet edition
  • #102: Orange is the New Fat edition
  • #101: Electoral College Dropouts edition
  • #100: Centennial of Silliness edition
  • #99: Dr. Strangehate edition
  • #98: Get Bentghazi edition
  • #97: SNAPping Your Fingers at the Poor edition
  • #96: Treat or Treat, Kiss My Ass edition
  • #95: Monumental Stupidity double-sized edition
  • #94: House of 'Tards edition
  • #93: You Da Bomb! edition.
  • #92: Akin to a Fool edition.
  • #91: Aurora Moronealis edition.
  • #90: Keep Your Gubmint Hands Off My High Pre'mums and Deductibles! edition.
  • #89: Occupy the Catbird Seat/Thanksgiving edition.
  • #88: Heil Hitler edition.
  • #87: Let Sleeping Elephants Lie edition.
  • #86: the Maniacs edition.
  • #85: The Top 50 Assclowns of 2010 edition.
  • #(19)84: Midterm Madness edition.
  • #83: Spill, Baby, Spill! edition.
  • #82: Leave Corporations Alone, They’re People! edition.
  • #81: Hatin' on Haiti edition.
  • #80: Don't Get Your Panties in a Twist edition.
  • #79: Top 50 Assclowns of 2009 edition.
  • #78: Nattering Nabobs of Negativism edition.
  • #77: ...And Justice For Once edition.
  • #76: Reading Tea Leaves/Labor Day edition.
  • #75: Diamond Jubilee/Inaugural Edition
  • #74: Dropping the Crystal Ball Edition
  • #73: The Twelve Assclowns of Christmas Edition
  • #72: Trick or Treat Election Day Edition
  • #71: Grand Theft Autocrats Edition
  • #70: Soulless Corporations and the Politicians Who Love Them Edition
  • Top 10 Things Donald Trump Said to President Obama
  • Paul Ryan's Top Ten Conditions on Running for the Speakership
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Mitt Romney Won't Run for President in 2016
  • Top 10 Results of the NYPD's Work Slowdown
  • Top 10 Secret Service Security Breaches
  • Top 10 LA Radio Shows That Are Rated Higher Than Rush Limbaugh's
  • Top 10 Reasons Operation American Spring Went Flat
  • Top Ten Facts of the MH370 Air Disaster
  • Top 10 Tips for GOP Congressmen Running Against Women
  • Top 10 Signs Walmart's Mistreating its Workers
  • Top 10 Diversions John McCain Found During Syria Hearing
  • Top 10 George Zimmerman Excuses for Speeding.
  • Top 10 Reasons Paula Deen Got Fired by the Food Network
  • Top Ten Ways Pope Francis is Deviating From Convention
  • Top 10 Reasons For the Pope's Resignation
  • Top 10 Emails Hacked From the Bush Family's Email Accounts
  • Top 10 Lies Told by Mitt Romney at the 2nd Debate.
  • Top 10 Examples of How Hard the Campaign Trail is on Ann D. Romney.
  • Top 10 Ways to Tell The Boston Red Sox Are Finished.
  • Top 10 Things Mitt May be Hiding in His Tax Returns.
  • Top 10 Events at the Romney Olympics.
  • Mitt Romney's Top 10 Wild & Crazy Moments.
  • Top Ten Reasons Why Dick Cheney Got a Heart Transplant.
  • Top 10 Facts About Tonight's New England/Denver Game.
  • My Top 10 Resolutions.
  • Top 10 Rejected Slogans of the Romney Campaign.
  • Top 10 Reasons Herman Cain Suspended His Campaign.
  • Top 10 Trending Topics on Twitter During #OWS Eviction.
  • Top 10 Herman Cain Pickup Lines.
  • Top 10 Changes Since Anthony Weiner Decided to Resign.
  • Top 10 Inaccuracies re bin Laden's Death.
  • Top 10 Ways to Prevent a TSA Patdown.
  • Top Ten Things Not to Say When You're Pulled Over.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Bowed Out of the Presidential Race.
  • Top 10 Ways Evangelicals Will Prepare for the Rapture II.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Today's Parliament Inquiry into News Corp.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why There Was No Vote on the Debt Ceiling Last Night.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Dick Cheney's Upcoming Memoir.
  • Top Ten Ways Americans Will Observe the 10th Anniversary of 9/11.
  • Top Ten Advances in Women's Rights in Saudi Arabia.
  • Top Ten Inaccuracies in Bill O'Reilly's Book About Lincoln.
  • Top Ten Suggestions From the Cat Food Commission.
  • Top Ten Worst Moments in George W. Bush's Presidency.
  • Top Ten Facts in George W. Bush's Memoir.
  • Top Ten Reasons Terry Jones Postponed His Koran Burning
  • Top 10 Causes for Dick Cheney's Congestive Heart Failure
  • Top Ten Ways That Jan Brewer Will Celebrate Cinco de Mayo
  • Top Ten Demands in Sarah Palin's Contract
  • Top Ten Whoppers in Karl Rove's New Book
  • Top 10 Items Left Behind in Rush Limbaugh's Apartment
  • Top Ten Things Barack Obama said to Rush Limbaugh in the Hospital
  • Top Ten Bizarre Promos Offered by the New Jersey Nets
  • Top 10 Bush Executive Orders Labor Wants President Obama to Repeal
  • George W. Bush's Top Ten Lesser Achievements
  • Empire Of The Senseless.
  • Conservative Values for an Unsaved World.
  • Esquire's Charles Pierce.
  • Brilliant @ Breakfast.
  • The Burning Platform.
  • The Rant.
  • Mock, Paper, Scissors.
  • James Petras.
  • Towle Road.
  • Avedon's Sideshow (the new site).
  • At Largely, Larisa Alexandrovna's place.
  • The Daily Howler.
  • The DCist.
  • Greg Palast.
  • Jon Swift. RIP, Al.
  • God is For Suckers.
  • The Rude Pundit.
  • Driftglass.
  • Newshounds.
  • William Grigg, a great find.
  • Brad Blog.
  • Down With Tyranny!, Howie Klein's blog.
  • Wayne's World. Party time! Excellent!
  • Busted Knuckles, aka Ornery Bastard.
  • Mills River Progressive.
  • Right Wing Watch.
  • Earthbond Misfit.
  • Anosognosia.
  • Echidne of the Snakes.
  • They Gave Us a Republic.
  • The Gawker.
  • Outtake Online, Emmy-winner Charlotte Robinson's site.
  • Skippy, the Bush Kangaroo
  • No More Mr. Nice Blog.
  • Head On Radio Network, Bob Kincaid.
  • Spocko's Brain.
  • Pandagon.
  • Slackivist.
  • WTF Is It Now?
  • No Blood For Hubris.
  • Lydia Cornell, a very smart and accomplished lady.
  • Roger Ailes (the good one.)
  • BlondeSense.
  • The Smirking Chimp.
  • Hammer of the Blogs.
  • Vast Left Wing Conspiracy.
  • Argville.
  • Existentialist Cowboy.
  • The Progressive.
  • The Nation.
  • Mother Jones.
  • Vanity Fair.
  • Citizens For Legitimate Government.
  • News Finder.
  • Indy Media Center.
  • Lexis News.
  • Military Religious Freedom.
  • McClatchy Newspapers.
  • The New Yorker.
  • Bloggingheads TV, political vlogging.
  • Find, the next-best thing to Nexis.
  • Altweeklies, for the news you won't get just anywhere.
  • The Smirking Chimp
  • Don Emmerich's Peace Blog
  • Wikileaks.
  • The Peoples' Voice.
  • CIA World Fact Book.
  • IP address locator.
  • Tom Tomorrow's hilarious strip.
  • Babelfish, an instant, online translator. I love to translate Ann Coulter's site into German.
  • Newsmeat: Find out who's donating to whom.
  • Wikipedia.
  • Uncyclopedia.
  • Icasualties
  • Free Press
  • YouTube
  • The Bone Bridge.
  • Powered by Blogger