Friday, May 17, 2013

Obama's Bulworth Moment

     The New York Times yesterday published a piece quoting Obama aides as saying the president often fantasizes about having a Bulworth moment. Obviously, that will never happen because while Obama would be shooting from the hip, he'd also be shooting himself in the foot because he's also the cause or at least the owner of many of the problems facing us today.
     However, to liberals who have longed to hear Obama speak his mind about Republicans, it's just as tempting as it is to the president to speculate on what he'd say. George Washington delivered a memorable farewell address loaded with advice we've, tragically, ignored. Dwight Eisenhower, just a few days before he made way for Kennedy, warned us about the "rise of the military-industrial complex", another lesson we've, even more tragically, ignored.
     Yet, while Obama has done absolutely nothing to significantly change the country he'd inherited from a walking brain stem (and in some ways, he's made it worse), it can't be said the Republican Party has been going out of its stumble-footed way to help him achieve some lasting and meaningful legacy. The Republicans yesterday voted for the 37th time to repeal ObamaCare without once during this 113th Congress passed or even proposed a jobs bill. They screamed about birth certificates, gay marriage, about a fictional national registry for gun owners (which isn't a bad idea, btw), death panels, everything but the one thing Americans are most concerned about: Jobs. Solid gun control measures (As of this writing, 4154 Americans have died from gun-related violence just since Sandy Hook last December.).
     The idea of Obama going all Bulworth at the end of his presidency is to a writer like me like a slow hanging curve ball or a fat, batting practice fastball to a slugger. So let's just pretend Obama isn't the worst president in American history and blithely pretend, as all too many of us do, as if drones, the NDAA, a perpetually high unemployment rate and caving to the GOP's every whim never happened. Let's all pretend that Obama is a legitimate victim, a statesman who really just tried but failed to do the right thing purely because of Republican obstructionism. This is what I imagine he'd say in his farewell address in January 2017:

     "My fellow Americans:
     "For these past eight years, it has been my distinct honor and privilege to serve as your president. As my career in public service winds down, I have taken this opportunity to deliver this farewell address.
     "This administration had achieved several great things in the time allotted to me but so many more great things could have been achieved were it not for the pin-headed meat puppets of the Koch brothers, Wall Street, NOM and other evangelical nutjob organizations, Goldman Sachs and the National Rifle Association. And by pin-headed meat puppets, I mean the Republican Party.
     "Now, the racist cock goblins of the Republican Party have been throwing every stumbling block and conspiracy theory out there and hoping they'd make at least one stick regardless of how detrimentally this would affect the nation. During my first term, I had to endure charges of being Muslim, being born in Kenya and et cetera. In my second term, I had to hear conspiracy theories about Benghazi, about the IRS in Cincinnati, about my Justice Department seizing the AP's phone records.
     "None of them stuck even while they tried to undermine my initiatives for sensible immigration reform, job creation and modest gun control measures. Instead, they gave us sequestration then voted for exceptions to sequestration so they could make their flights in time while unemployment benefits got cut by 11% and children in Head Start couldn't go to class.
     "Fucking doofuses like Paul Ryan voted to cut well over a quarter of a billion dollars from the embassy security budget then when Benghazi got attacked, suddenly it was my fault. Like Jackie Robinson his first two years in the majors, I had endure this bullshit with good grace and act presidential so the aforementioned racist cock goblins of the GOP wouldn't string me up on the nearest elm like it was 1800 Alabama instead of 1600 Pennsylvania. But now, in the waning hours of the presidency, I give this farewell address to say first and foremost that the Republicans can suck my black 10-inch cock.
     "Yes, suck on that big black puppy, for helping to keep America in the Dark Ages, for trying to deny women reproductive health care and contraception, for trying to deny same sex couples the right to marry, for trying to repeal even the watered-down Affordable Care Act, child labor laws, the Civil Rights Act, the Voting Rights Act and for outsourcing so many American jobs that they've practically turned this once-great nation into one of minimum wage-earning drones selling beef jerky at 7-11. Buff my black bishop and take it easy on the back stroke.
     "The 111th, 112th and 113th Congresses will go down in history as the three worst in American history thanks in large measure to the Grand Old Party. Thanks to upholstered fossils like John McCain, this country that used to lead the planet in science, medicine, mathematics and a whole spectrum of scientific and technical disciplines has become a mockery. As with the previous administration led by a dry drunk, wet-brained freak, they've waged war on all the sciences including but not limited to meteorology, medicine, astronomy, anthropology to the point where I was amazed every day of my administration the Republican-led House didn't try to make official an Act proclaiming the fucking earth is flat. Really, kudos for recognizing it isn't and for accepting gravity.
     "And instead of working with this administration on a jobs bill that would put Americans back to work and off unemployment and welfare and food stamps, instead of actually acting on the jobs platform they'd run on in 2010 and 2012, all we heard were 'Tax cuts!' and 'Benghazi!' and a whole raft of hood ornament issues designed to obfuscate the truth from being known and to supplant real legislation that could've pulled this country out of the mess that my special needs predecessor got us into.
     "So every Republican from John Boehner on down can suck on my Alabama blacksnake until it spits all over the Capitol for doing their level-headed best for trying to take down my administration over trifles and Tea Bagger conspiracy theories oozing from Alex Jones' sweat glands. The right wing portion of the Supreme Court can polish my big black newel post for Citizen's United, erroneously redefining the 2nd Amendment and for wiping their fat asses with the Constitution. Justice Clarence Thomas can swallow my Dannon cannon in complete silence. He makes me ashamed I'm half black.
     "My fellow Americans, we still have many different tough roads to travel and they're made rockier and darker than ever by the highwaymen of the Republican Party who will not be satisfied until they've filched and pocketed every last penny from your pockets and off the eyes of your dead relatives. These ventriloquist dummies of the Koch brothers, white shoe Wall Street firms and virtually every billionaire on the planet have held this nation back for so long it's a miracle we still have the capacity to make fire. They should all go down on the 99% one at a time so we can all cum together in righteous rage and indignation at what these prehistoric peckerheads have done to you.
     "In conclusion, my fellow Americans, it has been my honor to serve you as your president these past eight years. Good night and God bless."

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