Thursday, October 24, 2013

Tales From the Soup Nazi Kitchen

     Lou Landrum, Ex. Dir.
     The Spartanburg Soup Kitchen
     136 S Forest St
     Spartanburg, SC 29306

     (864) 585-0022

     Dear LuLu:
     I have read with eminent satisfaction your refusing the charitable efforts of some Godless atheists who have the effrontery and arrogance to volunteer their time and resources to the Spartanburg Soup Kitchen. I am, of course, speaking of those upstart atheists, Upstate Atheists, who seem to think charity can be freely handed out without first securing fealty to our Lord and Savior! As we all know, charity must be faith-based and withheld until allegiance to a God who has yet to get around to helping them (but no doubt will, some day).
     I am glad you amended your "No boundaries" policy in soliciting for volunteers because if you don't nip this atheist indoctrination in the bud, why then, anyone will be tempted to practice random acts of charity and we all know evangelicals should have that market cornered. For, as it says in Luke 6:38, "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." And who do these heathens think they are trying to shake and pour like a vodka martini their godless manna in the shit and piss-encrusted laps of these poor?
     After all, does your mission statement not state:

We Believe That:
  • Every human being should be treated with dignity and respect, therefore we treat all people that eat at the Spartanburg Soup Kitchen as our guests and everyone is welcome at our table.
  • Feeding a hungry person is the first step in addressing their needs.
  • People who are hungry may have broader issues and needs that should be recognized.
  • Our volunteers and supporters are a valued asset and we know that they are essential to our success.
  • We continue to strive to ensure every volunteer and guest has a positive and safe experience with our Soup Kitchen.
  • Everything we do is to glorify God.
     Nowhere does it say exceptions can't be made in the name of glorifying God and that preconditions don't apply. Hallelulu, Lulu!
     On your site's index page is this wonderful photograph of a groundbreaking ceremony using gold-plated shovels that would probably feed all of Spartanburg, South Carolina for a week. What a wonderful message this sends, that humble people of God are pretending to do actual work with gold shovels, symbolic of the riches that will await them. Praise South Carolina native Rev. Ike and Pat Robertson, if they but believe!

     Now, knowing what a humble, if overmade-up, servant of God you are, no doubt you would rebuff like atheist offers of charity any praise that would come your way but I say poppycock! But don't listen to me, your equally humble acolyte from afar. Let's listen, instead, to these wonderful testimonials from your Facebook fans:

     Not allowing atheists to help is wrong on any number of levels. Did you ever stop to think that you might be able to share God's love with the atheists who come to help?

Lou Landrum is a hateful moron. Won't allow atheists to help the homeless - even though they offered to not wear their shirts (and why shouldn't they wear their shirts?). She is a moron because she somehow believes atheists hang out with the devil. LMAO Lou, you need to learn what an atheist is, and you need to keep your preaching to yourself and just help people, and let others help people. Your help is NOT freely given. Your help is dependent upon people sharing your religious beliefs. Oh, and you suck.

Hello, I just read you refused the help of a secular organization, do you often refuse people who are only interested in helping feed people ? Jesus would be so ashamed of you.

Gee, I'd donate but you don't want my atheist, gay money.
Here is what the director of the Soup Kitchen, Lou Landrum, had to say about atheists: " “They can set up across the street from the Soup Kitchen. They can have the devil there with them, but they better not come across the street,” Landrum said."*** Landrum, your ignorance is only eclipsed by your hatred towards those who dont buy into your silly superstitions. You should be so proud of that lump of coal you call a heart.
Except if those that want to help and volunteer don't share your beliefs, right? Then screw them and the less fortunate they want to help out, right? Actually helping others only matters if you get to preach and shove your beliefs down their throat because THAT'S what really matters, right?
"Great news!!! We are now able to receive donations on-line!" Not `Great news, the free-thinkers/atheists are volunteering their time to help.`? I hope the hungry get mad at you when the money slows to a trickle.
You better check Goodwill out also, though. It seems that most, if not all, of these "Christian" organizations are at least partly bizarre in the way they deal with people and reality. And some are truly bizarre.
     It was revealed years after WWII that when the Russians began liberating the Nazi death camps, they withheld food from the Jews who did not swear fealty to the Soviet Empire. It is heartening to know this selective, highly conditional tough love has not completely gone out of style.

     Yours truly in Christ, north, south, east, west and thereabouts,
     JP

6 Comments:

At October 24, 2013 at 5:16 PM, Blogger Lapinbizarre said...

Like!! Is that Ms Landrum at the head of your post?

 
At October 24, 2013 at 7:42 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Obviously. Who else would it be?

 
At October 25, 2013 at 2:01 AM, Blogger Lapinbizarre said...

Wouldn't want to meet her in a dark alley, but bet she runs a tight ship where the kitchen is concerned. Why is it that those who's people have suffered most from irrational, illegal discrimination think they have the right to throw their weight around when they have the whip hand?

 
At October 25, 2013 at 8:44 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

For people such as this, it's not really about charity, it's about religious primacy, which is 180 degrees from what their Christ taught.

 
At October 28, 2013 at 6:24 PM, Blogger LanceThruster said...

Well said, JP!

 
At October 28, 2013 at 6:29 PM, Blogger LanceThruster said...

“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn’t help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we’ve got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don’t want to do it.” – Stephen Colbert

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

All Time Classics

  • Our Worse Half: The 25 Most Embarrassing States.
  • The Missing Security Tapes From the World Trade Center.
  • It's a Blunderful Life.
  • The Civil War II
  • Sweet Jesus, I Hate America
  • Top Ten Conservative Books
  • I Am Mr. Ed
  • Glenn Beck: Racist, Hate Monger, Comedian
  • The Ten Worst Music Videos of all Time
  • Assclowns of the Week

  • Links to the first 33 Assclowns of the Week.
  • Links to Assclowns of the Week 38-63.
  • #104: Make Racism Great Again Also Labor Day edition
  • #103: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Toilet edition
  • #102: Orange is the New Fat edition
  • #101: Electoral College Dropouts edition
  • #100: Centennial of Silliness edition
  • #99: Dr. Strangehate edition
  • #98: Get Bentghazi edition
  • #97: SNAPping Your Fingers at the Poor edition
  • #96: Treat or Treat, Kiss My Ass edition
  • #95: Monumental Stupidity double-sized edition
  • #94: House of 'Tards edition
  • #93: You Da Bomb! edition.
  • #92: Akin to a Fool edition.
  • #91: Aurora Moronealis edition.
  • #90: Keep Your Gubmint Hands Off My High Pre'mums and Deductibles! edition.
  • #89: Occupy the Catbird Seat/Thanksgiving edition.
  • #88: Heil Hitler edition.
  • #87: Let Sleeping Elephants Lie edition.
  • #86: the Maniacs edition.
  • #85: The Top 50 Assclowns of 2010 edition.
  • #(19)84: Midterm Madness edition.
  • #83: Spill, Baby, Spill! edition.
  • #82: Leave Corporations Alone, They’re People! edition.
  • #81: Hatin' on Haiti edition.
  • #80: Don't Get Your Panties in a Twist edition.
  • #79: Top 50 Assclowns of 2009 edition.
  • #78: Nattering Nabobs of Negativism edition.
  • #77: ...And Justice For Once edition.
  • #76: Reading Tea Leaves/Labor Day edition.
  • #75: Diamond Jubilee/Inaugural Edition
  • #74: Dropping the Crystal Ball Edition
  • #73: The Twelve Assclowns of Christmas Edition
  • #72: Trick or Treat Election Day Edition
  • #71: Grand Theft Autocrats Edition
  • #70: Soulless Corporations and the Politicians Who Love Them Edition
  • Top 10 Things Donald Trump Said to President Obama
  • Paul Ryan's Top Ten Conditions on Running for the Speakership
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Mitt Romney Won't Run for President in 2016
  • Top 10 Results of the NYPD's Work Slowdown
  • Top 10 Secret Service Security Breaches
  • Top 10 LA Radio Shows That Are Rated Higher Than Rush Limbaugh's
  • Top 10 Reasons Operation American Spring Went Flat
  • Top Ten Facts of the MH370 Air Disaster
  • Top 10 Tips for GOP Congressmen Running Against Women
  • Top 10 Signs Walmart's Mistreating its Workers
  • Top 10 Diversions John McCain Found During Syria Hearing
  • Top 10 George Zimmerman Excuses for Speeding.
  • Top 10 Reasons Paula Deen Got Fired by the Food Network
  • Top Ten Ways Pope Francis is Deviating From Convention
  • Top 10 Reasons For the Pope's Resignation
  • Top 10 Emails Hacked From the Bush Family's Email Accounts
  • Top 10 Lies Told by Mitt Romney at the 2nd Debate.
  • Top 10 Examples of How Hard the Campaign Trail is on Ann D. Romney.
  • Top 10 Ways to Tell The Boston Red Sox Are Finished.
  • Top 10 Things Mitt May be Hiding in His Tax Returns.
  • Top 10 Events at the Romney Olympics.
  • Mitt Romney's Top 10 Wild & Crazy Moments.
  • Top Ten Reasons Why Dick Cheney Got a Heart Transplant.
  • Top 10 Facts About Tonight's New England/Denver Game.
  • My Top 10 Resolutions.
  • Top 10 Rejected Slogans of the Romney Campaign.
  • Top 10 Reasons Herman Cain Suspended His Campaign.
  • Top 10 Trending Topics on Twitter During #OWS Eviction.
  • Top 10 Herman Cain Pickup Lines.
  • Top 10 Changes Since Anthony Weiner Decided to Resign.
  • Top 10 Inaccuracies re bin Laden's Death.
  • Top 10 Ways to Prevent a TSA Patdown.
  • Top Ten Things Not to Say When You're Pulled Over.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Bowed Out of the Presidential Race.
  • Top 10 Ways Evangelicals Will Prepare for the Rapture II.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Today's Parliament Inquiry into News Corp.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why There Was No Vote on the Debt Ceiling Last Night.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Dick Cheney's Upcoming Memoir.
  • Top Ten Ways Americans Will Observe the 10th Anniversary of 9/11.
  • Top Ten Advances in Women's Rights in Saudi Arabia.
  • Top Ten Inaccuracies in Bill O'Reilly's Book About Lincoln.
  • Top Ten Suggestions From the Cat Food Commission.
  • Top Ten Worst Moments in George W. Bush's Presidency.
  • Top Ten Facts in George W. Bush's Memoir.
  • Top Ten Reasons Terry Jones Postponed His Koran Burning
  • Top 10 Causes for Dick Cheney's Congestive Heart Failure
  • Top Ten Ways That Jan Brewer Will Celebrate Cinco de Mayo
  • Top Ten Demands in Sarah Palin's Contract
  • Top Ten Whoppers in Karl Rove's New Book
  • Top 10 Items Left Behind in Rush Limbaugh's Apartment
  • Top Ten Things Barack Obama said to Rush Limbaugh in the Hospital
  • Top Ten Bizarre Promos Offered by the New Jersey Nets
  • Top 10 Bush Executive Orders Labor Wants President Obama to Repeal
  • George W. Bush's Top Ten Lesser Achievements
  • Empire Of The Senseless.
  • Christwire.org: Conservative Values for an Unsaved World.
  • Esquire's Charles Pierce.
  • Brilliant @ Breakfast.
  • The Burning Platform.
  • The Rant.
  • Mock, Paper, Scissors.
  • James Petras.
  • Towle Road.
  • Avedon's Sideshow (the new site).
  • At Largely, Larisa Alexandrovna's place.
  • The Daily Howler.
  • The DCist.
  • Greg Palast.
  • Jon Swift. RIP, Al.
  • God is For Suckers.
  • The Rude Pundit.
  • Driftglass.
  • Newshounds.
  • William Grigg, a great find.
  • Brad Blog.
  • Down With Tyranny!, Howie Klein's blog.
  • Wayne's World. Party time! Excellent!
  • Busted Knuckles, aka Ornery Bastard.
  • Mills River Progressive.
  • Right Wing Watch.
  • Earthbond Misfit.
  • Anosognosia.
  • Echidne of the Snakes.
  • They Gave Us a Republic.
  • The Gawker.
  • Outtake Online, Emmy-winner Charlotte Robinson's site.
  • Skippy, the Bush Kangaroo
  • No More Mr. Nice Blog.
  • Head On Radio Network, Bob Kincaid.
  • Spocko's Brain.
  • Pandagon.
  • Slackivist.
  • WTF Is It Now?
  • No Blood For Hubris.
  • Lydia Cornell, a very smart and accomplished lady.
  • Roger Ailes (the good one.)
  • BlondeSense.
  • The Smirking Chimp.
  • Hammer of the Blogs.
  • Vast Left Wing Conspiracy.
  • Argville.
  • Existentialist Cowboy.
  • The Progressive.
  • The Nation.
  • Mother Jones.
  • Vanity Fair.
  • Salon.com.
  • Citizens For Legitimate Government.
  • News Finder.
  • Indy Media Center.
  • Lexis News.
  • Military Religious Freedom.
  • McClatchy Newspapers.
  • The New Yorker.
  • Bloggingheads TV, political vlogging.
  • Find Articles.com, the next-best thing to Nexis.
  • Altweeklies, for the news you won't get just anywhere.
  • The Smirking Chimp
  • Don Emmerich's Peace Blog
  • Wikileaks.
  • The Peoples' Voice.
  • Dictionary.com.
  • CIA World Fact Book.
  • IP address locator.
  • Tom Tomorrow's hilarious strip.
  • Babelfish, an instant, online translator. I love to translate Ann Coulter's site into German.
  • Newsmeat: Find out who's donating to whom.
  • Wikipedia.
  • Uncyclopedia.
  • anysoldier.com
  • Icasualties
  • Free Press
  • YouTube
  • The Bone Bridge.
  • Powered by Blogger