Friday, September 5, 2014

The (Better) Half Has Never Been Told: A book review by Cyril Blubberpuss, Esq

     Since the golf ball cleaner on the links was busted and I was waiting for my caddy to suck my Titleists clean, I was thinking about a book I'd read recently by some liberal named Edward Baptist. It's called, The Half Has Never Been Told: Slavery and the Making of American Capitalism. Now, as if that wasn't a provocative enough title with its call for class warfare, it seems as if the limp-wristed Economist, which published a review of the book, has pulled it under some politically correct liberal faux outrage.
     The libs, most of them coming from Crooks and Liars (including a couple of comments from the left wing loon who runs this dump), are outraged that the Economist's anonymous reviewer rightly asked for both sides to be heard. No doubt, if any of the white slave owners who employed these sons of the soil were still around, they'd give a different perspective of the entire issue of so-called "slavery".
     For instance, they'd be quick to add that they were not the ones who'd gone to the Dark Continent and earnestly persuaded the blacks to leave their ancestral homeland for the honor of toiling on our cotton fields to prop up what would soon become the most powerful economy on earth. In fact, the plantation owners who'd graciously employed them paid dearly out of their own pockets to give these people steady jobs and help them achieve the American Dream. And I'm sure tearing their families apart on the auction block cost their masters dearly in man hours as the ungrateful new immigrants screamed and gnashed their white teeth when they should've shown some damned professionalism by starting their new jobs.
     I'm sure, if they were still around to defend themselves, some of the overseers would tell us of how difficult their jobs were and how they were forced to "motivate" the slower, lazier people, including women who had given birth in the cotton fields just minutes before, with their bullwhips. They would say what a moral sacrifice they'd made by having sex with these women so their children would be whiter and given faster access to the aforementioned American Dream.
     I haven't a doubt, if we could interview them, that these Southern Captains of Industry would give a more fair and balanced account of how they'd fed and housed these people for four centuries and even went to war and sacrificed over 300,000 of their dearest blood for the right to continue giving work to people who otherwise would've been frittering away their time in Africa dancing the Watusi and piercing their noses. If it wasn't for so-called slavery, there would be no Black History Month, no NAACP and no Aunt Jemima pancake mix.
     So, in the interests of fairness, it is vitally important the Economist reinstate the review with its author's call for some parity. No doubt, if Mr. Baptist chooses to write a book about the Holocaust, he'll "conveniently" leave out the perspective of the prison guards and Commandants who also gave the Jews steady work for the glory of the Free Market.

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