Monday, July 18, 2016

Cleveland Rocks?

(By American Zen's @mikeflannigan59, on loan from Ari)
Parma Holiday Inn, Ohio--- Frankly, I don't know what goes through my editor-in-chief's head and that especially goes for where he books me on these road trips. It kind of puts to mind the circus sideshow refugees our front man Dave Carmichael would briefly put in our lives, people who could put to shame any cast of characters in a David Lynch production.
     Indeed, this assignment for my magazine quickly became a partial reprise of my 2009 memoir, American Zen when I got a late night phone call from my old band mate, Billy Frazee. I was in the middle of packing for my red eye flight out of Logan and was leaving soon in the predawn hours. Somehow he'd sniffed out that I was going to cover the Republican convention in Cleveland (or maybe he knew since I cover both in a quadrennial ordeal) and wanted to come along.
     Now, if you haven't read my book, Billy's always had the misfortune of being a Republican and this goes all the way back to when we were teenagers playing gigs at pig roasts and weddings in 1978. For Billy, going to Cleveland this summer was a mustsee: Not only did he want to catch sight of some Republican stars but the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame is here,
     Harried as I was, I warned him that not only were a lot of mainstream Republicans like the Bushes avoiding the convention like the Zika-infested clown show it's been shaping up to be but I warned him that Ted Nugent still hadn't made the grade at the R&RHOF.
     Still, Billy wouldn't be deterred and he insisted on coming with me, even getting a plane ticket that was seated right next to me. Yes, I lead a charmed life, I know. At least I wasn't cooped up in a van with Billy and his secret .45 ACP as I was in 2008.
     But that, thus far, aside from the comedy relief the RNC Convention always promises to be, is the high point of my assignment. In order to save money, Billy insisted on sharing the room that Ari Goldstein, my editor-in-chief, so magnanimously reserved for me at the Parma Holiday Inn. And yes, that's his bike in our room in the lead image. It was either that or Billy would make me sleep outside with his precious Harley chained to my ankle.
The Toxicity in Our City
     Speaking of rock & roll and Republican politics, long before Ari had bought my coach plane ticket to Cleveland, I haven't been able to get out of my head the refrain from System of a Down's "Toxicity": "Disorder, disorder, dis-orrrr-deeeer..."
      Because if one word could define the 2016 Republican National Convention, it would be that. Right out of the gate, radical factions militant against Trump are sallying forth in their Quixotic attempt to change the rules and mortally embarrass the GOP and The Orange Man. As stated, several high profile mainstream Republicans such as the Bushes and Marco Rubio are steering clear of Cleveland as most sane Americans do any other time of the year. LeBron James and a billion dollars in campaign donations couldn't get them here.
     All this and right wing extremist groups that make my conservative buddy Billy look like Saul Alinsky on pot and purple microdot. In fact, Republican insiders are getting so jittery about these monsters they'd once gleefully fucked bareback with alacrity that they've asked the Cleveland Police Union to suspend Open Carry for the duration of the clown show (In other words, "Gun Free Zones for me, not for thee, motherfuckers.").
     As I'd warned Billy last night over the phone, the entire convention is going to be like a Trump family cookout except the pigs will be wearing three piece suits and straw boaters. They were so desperate for speakers to fill the slots they actually had to call in (and no, Ari and Constant Readers, I am not making this up) Tila Tequila, Scott Baio, Alex Jones and some woman named Michelle Van Etten, who's notorious for selling some snake oil bullshit in pill form that Alex Jones swears makes him "crazed." (Proof right there that she's selling placebos as Alex Jones doesn't need pills to make him a rage-filled pig man.) All in all, it's shaping up exactly like an infomercial for insanity.
     The rest of the speaking slots will be filled up by Trump's own relatives, which is sort of like building up hits for your own tweets by retweeting them with your other five or six accounts.
     So for the next four days, things will be rocking, or the Republican equivalent of it, at the Quicken Loans Arena. It'll take me weeks to get the sound of calliopes out of my head. I can't wait for tonight when I can finally inject some gravitas into this trip when Billy and I go to the Parma Holiday Inn lounge next door and watch Drew Carey's own quixotic quest for relevance.

(Update 1)
(Update 2)
(Update 3)
(Update 4)

(Update 5)
(Update 6)


Post a Comment

<< Home

KindleindaWind, my writing blog.

All Time Classics

  • Our Worse Half: The 25 Most Embarrassing States.
  • The Missing Security Tapes From the World Trade Center.
  • It's a Blunderful Life.
  • The Civil War II
  • Sweet Jesus, I Hate America
  • Top Ten Conservative Books
  • I Am Mr. Ed
  • Glenn Beck: Racist, Hate Monger, Comedian
  • The Ten Worst Music Videos of all Time
  • Assclowns of the Week

  • Links to the first 33 Assclowns of the Week.
  • Links to Assclowns of the Week 38-63.
  • #106: The Turkey Has Landed edition
  • #105: Blame it on Paris or Putin edition
  • #104: Make Racism Great Again Also Labor Day edition
  • #103: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Toilet edition
  • #102: Orange is the New Fat edition
  • #101: Electoral College Dropouts edition
  • #100: Centennial of Silliness edition
  • #99: Dr. Strangehate edition
  • #98: Get Bentghazi edition
  • #97: SNAPping Your Fingers at the Poor edition
  • #96: Treat or Treat, Kiss My Ass edition
  • #95: Monumental Stupidity double-sized edition
  • #94: House of 'Tards edition
  • #93: You Da Bomb! edition.
  • #92: Akin to a Fool edition.
  • #91: Aurora Moronealis edition.
  • #90: Keep Your Gubmint Hands Off My High Pre'mums and Deductibles! edition.
  • #89: Occupy the Catbird Seat/Thanksgiving edition.
  • #88: Heil Hitler edition.
  • #87: Let Sleeping Elephants Lie edition.
  • #86: the Maniacs edition.
  • #85: The Top 50 Assclowns of 2010 edition.
  • #(19)84: Midterm Madness edition.
  • #83: Spill, Baby, Spill! edition.
  • #82: Leave Corporations Alone, They’re People! edition.
  • #81: Hatin' on Haiti edition.
  • #80: Don't Get Your Panties in a Twist edition.
  • #79: Top 50 Assclowns of 2009 edition.
  • #78: Nattering Nabobs of Negativism edition.
  • #77: ...And Justice For Once edition.
  • #76: Reading Tea Leaves/Labor Day edition.
  • #75: Diamond Jubilee/Inaugural Edition
  • #74: Dropping the Crystal Ball Edition
  • #73: The Twelve Assclowns of Christmas Edition
  • #72: Trick or Treat Election Day Edition
  • #71: Grand Theft Autocrats Edition
  • #70: Soulless Corporations and the Politicians Who Love Them Edition
  • Top 10 Things Donald Trump Said to President Obama
  • Paul Ryan's Top Ten Conditions on Running for the Speakership
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Mitt Romney Won't Run for President in 2016
  • Top 10 Results of the NYPD's Work Slowdown
  • Top 10 Secret Service Security Breaches
  • Top 10 LA Radio Shows That Are Rated Higher Than Rush Limbaugh's
  • Top 10 Reasons Operation American Spring Went Flat
  • Top Ten Facts of the MH370 Air Disaster
  • Top 10 Tips for GOP Congressmen Running Against Women
  • Top 10 Signs Walmart's Mistreating its Workers
  • Top 10 Diversions John McCain Found During Syria Hearing
  • Top 10 George Zimmerman Excuses for Speeding.
  • Top 10 Reasons Paula Deen Got Fired by the Food Network
  • Top Ten Ways Pope Francis is Deviating From Convention
  • Top 10 Reasons For the Pope's Resignation
  • Top 10 Emails Hacked From the Bush Family's Email Accounts
  • Top 10 Lies Told by Mitt Romney at the 2nd Debate.
  • Top 10 Examples of How Hard the Campaign Trail is on Ann D. Romney.
  • Top 10 Ways to Tell The Boston Red Sox Are Finished.
  • Top 10 Things Mitt May be Hiding in His Tax Returns.
  • Top 10 Events at the Romney Olympics.
  • Mitt Romney's Top 10 Wild & Crazy Moments.
  • Top Ten Reasons Why Dick Cheney Got a Heart Transplant.
  • Top 10 Facts About Tonight's New England/Denver Game.
  • My Top 10 Resolutions.
  • Top 10 Rejected Slogans of the Romney Campaign.
  • Top 10 Reasons Herman Cain Suspended His Campaign.
  • Top 10 Trending Topics on Twitter During #OWS Eviction.
  • Top 10 Herman Cain Pickup Lines.
  • Top 10 Changes Since Anthony Weiner Decided to Resign.
  • Top 10 Inaccuracies re bin Laden's Death.
  • Top 10 Ways to Prevent a TSA Patdown.
  • Top Ten Things Not to Say When You're Pulled Over.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Bowed Out of the Presidential Race.
  • Top 10 Ways Evangelicals Will Prepare for the Rapture II.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Today's Parliament Inquiry into News Corp.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why There Was No Vote on the Debt Ceiling Last Night.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Dick Cheney's Upcoming Memoir.
  • Top Ten Ways Americans Will Observe the 10th Anniversary of 9/11.
  • Top Ten Advances in Women's Rights in Saudi Arabia.
  • Top Ten Inaccuracies in Bill O'Reilly's Book About Lincoln.
  • Top Ten Suggestions From the Cat Food Commission.
  • Top Ten Worst Moments in George W. Bush's Presidency.
  • Top Ten Facts in George W. Bush's Memoir.
  • Top Ten Reasons Terry Jones Postponed His Koran Burning
  • Top 10 Causes for Dick Cheney's Congestive Heart Failure
  • Top Ten Ways That Jan Brewer Will Celebrate Cinco de Mayo
  • Top Ten Demands in Sarah Palin's Contract
  • Top Ten Whoppers in Karl Rove's New Book
  • Top 10 Items Left Behind in Rush Limbaugh's Apartment
  • Top Ten Things Barack Obama said to Rush Limbaugh in the Hospital
  • Top Ten Bizarre Promos Offered by the New Jersey Nets
  • Top 10 Bush Executive Orders Labor Wants President Obama to Repeal
  • George W. Bush's Top Ten Lesser Achievements
  • Empire Of The Senseless.
  • Conservative Values for an Unsaved World.
  • Esquire's Charles Pierce.
  • Brilliant @ Breakfast.
  • The Burning Platform.
  • The Rant.
  • Mock, Paper, Scissors.
  • James Petras.
  • Towle Road.
  • Avedon's Sideshow (the new site).
  • At Largely, Larisa Alexandrovna's place.
  • The Daily Howler.
  • The DCist.
  • Greg Palast.
  • Jon Swift. RIP, Al.
  • God is For Suckers.
  • The Rude Pundit.
  • Driftglass.
  • Newshounds.
  • William Grigg, a great find.
  • Brad Blog.
  • Down With Tyranny!, Howie Klein's blog.
  • Wayne's World. Party time! Excellent!
  • Busted Knuckles, aka Ornery Bastard.
  • Mills River Progressive.
  • Right Wing Watch.
  • Earthbond Misfit.
  • Anosognosia.
  • Echidne of the Snakes.
  • They Gave Us a Republic.
  • The Gawker.
  • Outtake Online, Emmy-winner Charlotte Robinson's site.
  • Skippy, the Bush Kangaroo
  • No More Mr. Nice Blog.
  • Head On Radio Network, Bob Kincaid.
  • Spocko's Brain.
  • Pandagon.
  • Slackivist.
  • WTF Is It Now?
  • No Blood For Hubris.
  • Lydia Cornell, a very smart and accomplished lady.
  • Roger Ailes (the good one.)
  • BlondeSense.
  • The Smirking Chimp.
  • Hammer of the Blogs.
  • Vast Left Wing Conspiracy.
  • Argville.
  • Existentialist Cowboy.
  • The Progressive.
  • The Nation.
  • Mother Jones.
  • Vanity Fair.
  • Citizens For Legitimate Government.
  • News Finder.
  • Indy Media Center.
  • Lexis News.
  • Military Religious Freedom.
  • McClatchy Newspapers.
  • The New Yorker.
  • Bloggingheads TV, political vlogging.
  • Find, the next-best thing to Nexis.
  • Altweeklies, for the news you won't get just anywhere.
  • The Smirking Chimp
  • Don Emmerich's Peace Blog
  • Wikileaks.
  • The Peoples' Voice.
  • CIA World Fact Book.
  • IP address locator.
  • Tom Tomorrow's hilarious strip.
  • Babelfish, an instant, online translator. I love to translate Ann Coulter's site into German.
  • Newsmeat: Find out who's donating to whom.
  • Wikipedia.
  • Uncyclopedia.
  • Icasualties
  • Free Press
  • YouTube
  • The Bone Bridge.
  • Powered by Blogger