Thursday, July 13, 2017

So We Outsourced an Election. Boo Hoo!

(By Cyril Blubberpuss)

     "You know things are going to Hell in a hand basket without the lotion," I said to one of my associates while making a five year-old Wall Street bootblack shine my wingtips with his tongue, "when liberal snowflakes are bawling about the last election."
     And it's a fair enough point to make. I mean, we've been outsourcing elections since both parties began letting foreign corporate cash tunnel their way into the electoral process through "ghost corporations" and "straw donors", American branches of foreign companies, 527's and money laundering schemes. Hell, some of the biggest money launderers are my pals at JP Morgan Chase and other white shoe banks. But I'm not here to dwell on that.
     What the Trump administration did was a stroke of genius: They outsourced the hacking of the election to the Russians... while making them pay for it! OK, it can't be said Trump isn't making any pelf from the Russians through Bayrock with this sweet President gig. But I'm not going to dwell on that, either.
     All I'm saying is Trump got the Russkies to do on their dime what the Democrat National Committee would've been stupid enough to pay beaucoup bucks for (and did) to skew the election. You read that right- While Camp Clintonista was paying a million bucks for professional basement dwellers to become relevant for the only time in their Cheetos-smeared lives, Trump got Putin to hack our election and pay for every penny of it!
     Now, folks, if that isn't fiscal responsibility, I dunno what is!
     And where would we be without this wonderful partnership with the Russians? We'd be saddled with vagina voters and crypto feminists overlooking anything and everything done by Queen Hillary just because she would've been the first female President. Think of the nightmare of the job glut and $230 billion surplus left behind by her husband and you'll see what I mean.
     Nyet, you won't hear me saying anything negative about our Russian brothers and sisters, comrades, because they've always been good to our family. You may recall an anecdote I'd told some time early this year about my kid brother Cecil and his business partners in Eastern Europe. Well, to illustrate my broader point, I have another:

     Partly out of, uh, humility, I guess you'd call it, I never related this tale about Cecil's startup enterprise which was the first video sex chat room ( on the internet. Much of the talent he'd obtained was from Eastern European hostels. They were college-aged boys who thought they were just going on a boring trip through Eastern Europe and the newly-liberated Russia until Cecil's, uh, recruiters, I guess you'd call them, gave them the opportunity of a lifetime.
     I'll gloss over the details because you don't need to hear of the recruitment methods by his Russian friends and the abandoned sex doll factory in what used to be Yugoslavia from which these sex performers would work their erotic magic.
     What I will say is that, largely through the efforts of his Russian business partners (who would later go to work for rich powerful Russians uncharitably named "oligarchs"), Cecil for a short time was rolling in the dough. Back then, $50 would get you a 20 minute private session with some Eastern European Adonis, 80% of which would wind up in CeeCee's bank account.
     It all came crashing down when a Croatian college sophomore had the effrontery and ingratitude to escape from his employer when he got sick and tired of being fed only the best roadkill from Yugoslavia's highways and paid fifty cents for every dollar he generated for the company. He fled, buck naked, during a private session and alerted the law enforcement authorities, who then contacted the FBI.
     Poor Cecil was in mid-ejaculation when the Bureau and ICE came barreling through his SoHo apartment door (You try stopping during that blessed moment) to serve my baby brother with a search warrant. I had mentioned my team of attorneys valiantly tried to keep Cecil from getting sent to Riker's Island (He was strangely enthusiastic about going there once other prisoners told him about the nightly prison shower rapes).
     Well, many of those attorneys came from the former USSR and were allowed to practice law here in the US after taking some brush-up courses at Jerry Falwell's Liberty University and passing the Puerto Rican bar exam. These highly skilled attorneys were extremely adept at getting their clients off by persuading witnesses not to testify in some trivial capital crimes cases. (Some of them even took a permanent vacation.)
     The point I'm making is that the Russians are hard-working, selfless individuals who will do anything to accomplish living the American Dream (albeit on their terms). And what Donald Trump did for the Russians was nothing short of Messianic: He allowed them to live the American Dream by taking part in an honest-to-God American presidential election, without any fanfare and even getting them to subsidize the entire operation.
     And if that isn't a testament to a master deal maker, I don't know what is, folks.


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