Thursday, March 1, 2018

The Intergender Wrestling Title is Not Safe

     Because Jailbird Joe Chadwick has got his sights set on it. And, unlike Andy Kaufman's stunt in the 80's, this ain't performance art.
     Today, a well-placed source gave me this tip that's the best, yet. And while I hate writing about this evolutionary dropout who's been stalking and harassing me for going on four years, how could I not write about something like this?
     That's Chadwick's GoFundMe page for funding to further his dream of being a professional wrestler. Yes, at age 37, he's trying to break into the ranks of men who are essentially steroid engorged human dinosaurs and he needs just $15,000 of your hard-earned money for him to achieve that end. (To date, he's only collected $148, $50 from his twin brother Danny, just enough for a large jar of protein powder or maybe 50 Intergender Champion tee shirts).
     Now, far be it for me to drag the stylus across any middle aged guy playing "Gonna Fly Now" while he prepares to run up and down the steps of the Weber County Sheriff's Department and get chased by Farr West's trailer park sterno bums and stray dogs. But I'm thinking this is, to put it charitably, a new career path for our Pal Joey. He's back in Farr West, to judge from the visits I've been getting lately from a certain IP address using one of XO Communications' free wifi access networks and the usual idiotic comments that get deleted unread as spam.
     I'm thinking this completely different career trajectory is a response to getting shit-canned from King Solomon, which graciously allowed Chadwick to fail upward after he couldn't cut it as a content creator and was made an executive that essentially consisted of him screaming on the phone to elderly authors and extorting money from them to get their own rights back.
     Even though Jailbird Joe never told his so-called fan base about it, he never mentioned that sweet deal at Masada/King Solomon or his move to Israel (His profile on GoFundMe lists him in Ogden, Utah). I think maybe this time, actually mentioning that gig that he got 23 months ago would be an equivocation. Because leave it to Dickhead Dave Chadwick to fuck up the sweetest gig that he ever had handed to him in his privileged, right wing excuse of a life.
     So, are you listening, Vince McMahon? There's a new wrestler in town and all he needs is $14,852 more to realize his dream of maybe tag teaming with his other obsessive interest, Becky Lynch. He needs money for training, for theme music (Like this, for instance). After all, we've seen novelty wrestlers such as midgets. Why not open a division for mental flyweights?


At April 7, 2018 at 12:43 PM, Anonymous Basement Dweller 22 said...

So let me get this straight. Dumbass got fired from a six figure job, came crawling back to the United States in disgrace and decided to become... a professional wrestler? You couldn't get away with this plot twist in one of his stupid comics! We've seen pictures of this little twat, he doesn't fit the profile of a professional wrestler. What the hell is wrong with this person? Why would he go instantly to professional wrestling? And where's his gold digger wife? None of this makes any sense. So much to catch up on!

At April 7, 2018 at 2:40 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Well, not exactly. Since I'd written this article, I'd heard from a mutual friend who knew what was going on. Cheesedick got that contract from Masada two years ago through his old private school chum, some "agent" named Ariel Levin. Even back then, Masada was positioning themselves to be bought out by a larger entity. Chadwick eventually got signed to a bigger contract netting him $200,000 a year for essentially doing nothing but screaming at Masada's authors and telling them they'd have to pay through the nose to get back the rights to their books that Masada, then renamed King Solomon, had chosen to unpublish. Since Chadwick was signed to a new three year deal last year, that meant his and the other contracts were bought out by the new entity, meaning he's sitting on a pile of cash amounting to about $600,000. Essentially, it was wingnut welfare. He was never actually expected to turn out content they could actually take to the market.

And still, he's never told his so-called readers about the Israeli deal from two years ago, the move to Israel and now he's trying to get them to subsidize his pipe dream of being a middle aged pro wrestler. Which is pretty typical for Chadwick.

P.S. Our mutual acquaintance, who used to work for Chadwick, got fired from his job at Masada when it became known he was feeding me confidential and proprietary information. He had to get a job in the UK with some insurance company. When the buyout happened early this year, the CEO, some scumbag named Schlomo Goldbloom, called the company in England as he had one foot out the door and got him fired from that job, too. Looks like when Chadwick landed comfortably at Masada, he floated up to the mother ship because after a short while, there were nothing but fellow right wing scumbags cut from the same rotten piece of wholecloth as Chadwick. When the money runs out, and it will, fast, you won't see gold digger Fiona sticking around too long unless another big pile of money falls into Chadwick's lap.

At April 8, 2018 at 8:57 PM, Anonymous Basement Dweller 22 said...

Holy shit! So what happens if he actually makes it into the WWE?!

At April 8, 2018 at 9:43 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Please. He's not going anywhere. He's back in Tiberius, Israel and he's trying to break into the wrestling circuit there. Have you seen the guys who break into pro wrestling? They're as big as dinosaurs. He'd get his ass kicked by the women in the WWE. This is one gig he's not going to be able to con his way into.

At April 9, 2018 at 12:59 PM, Anonymous Basement Dweller 22 said...

I’ve seen some smaller wrestlers on those shows in recent years even though I’m nowhere near a regular viewer. They have what they call a cruiserweight division, and if he’s a good enough athlete, I don’t see how he doesn’t have as much of a chance as any of them. Not saying he’s gonna make it, I’m just saying if he suddenly becomes a star, what are we gonna be able to do about that?

At April 9, 2018 at 1:47 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

I don't give a shit what this right wing retard wants to do with his life, as long as he stops shoehorning mine into it. Actually, I'm all for him pursuing a career that promises lots of irreversible spinal damage.

At April 9, 2018 at 8:20 PM, Anonymous Basement Dweller 22 said...

Has he been harassing you lately at all?

At April 9, 2018 at 8:42 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

No. He's probably too busy having Fiona rubbing liniment on his back while he's fantasizing about Jessica Lynch. But, like a bad penny or a herpes sore, he'll be back.

At April 10, 2018 at 4:33 PM, Anonymous Basement Dweller 22 said...

Harsh! I think he’s awful, but I’m not sure if he deserves to get physically injured.

At April 10, 2018 at 6:40 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Have you read all the posts I've been writing about him over the years? If not, do a search on this blog on Dave Chadwick or Sugar Ray Dodge to get the full story. Do you have any idea of what he's done to us, at how much he's frightened my fiancee, how much time and energy he's expended over us, at the sheer damage he's done to innocent people? I'm talking at least one friend of mine who's now dead because of Chadwick. I know some things about him and his similar behavior toward others that I haven't even put on this blog. Trust me, he deserves everything karma can dish out.

At April 13, 2018 at 6:59 PM, Anonymous Basement Dweller 22 said...

Well, you probably know him better than anybody on Earth, so I will trust your judgment on this one.

At April 13, 2018 at 8:10 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

I'd rather it not be that way. It's like being an expert on herpes simplex or chlamydia.

At April 28, 2018 at 3:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are utterly clueless. You have no clues. None. You are the dumbest man on the planet.

At April 28, 2018 at 4:14 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Hey, Cheesedick, welcome back! I knew Fiona's recent illness wouldn't keep a herpes sore like you down for good. Tell Fiona she can avoid scares like the one you just had a week ago if she just stops biting her tongue or puncturing her poison gland. The poor couriers who have to wait on you hand and foot try to avoid doing runs to your house in Tiberius. After all, they call your wife the "Black Widow" ever since she got one of them fired for a minor technicality when she didn't get exactly, precisely what she wanted.

But as for me being clueless and the "stupidest man alive": Did I make up that GoFundMe page that pulled in a whopping $148 (over a third of which was donated by your twin brother Danny who's still trying to cadge funding for his B movie, Tomb of the Spaceman.)? No, you're thinking of yourself and the good old days when you used to make up fake Twitter accounts and blogs for the purpose of, I don't know, "satirizing" me?

Dude, I will always be one step ahead of you and know what is going on, just as I know what idiocies you will say and commit even before you do. You can deny all you want that I know everything about you and Mrs. Black Widow but you know what I'm saying is the truth.

Or, as President John Adams said in 1770 while defending the British soldiers involved in the Boston Massacre: "Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence."

You, dear boy, will always be a right wing halfwit (or am I being tautological? I think so) and I will always be superior to you in every conceivable way. Now, unless your latest vacation isn't over, yet, don't you have some half Nelsons to practice?

At April 28, 2018 at 4:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amazing. Not only is everything you said wrong, it could not possibly be wronger. Keep on believing bullcrap told to you by ol' HB and see how far it gets you, and it certainly isn't one step ahead of me. You never have been ahead of me, bro. Never, not once. The only reason you "know" the things you do is because I have allowed it. You only know what I want you to know.

But hey, keep showing all your cards at the drop of a hat thinking it'll scare me. Firstly, it doesn't, and secondly, now you have nothing again. So predictable. What's that you like to say? Oh yeah. My mind contains yours. Your mind is my playground. I hold it in the palm of my hand. It makes me so happy that you are this stupid, it brings me so much pleasure knowing how stupid you are that I can't even describe it. If only you knew the whole truth, that would be the only way it would get better. But not yet. I'm holding onto that one.

Hope you're having a great weekend writing garbage novels that will never get published. Have fun wasting your life, loser!

At April 28, 2018 at 5:12 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Hey, Chapped Dick, you're a fine one to be talking about anyone writing books that no one will publish. What was the reason for your derivative Mystery Science Storybook winding up in a ditch? Oh, yeah. Copyright infringement. And what was the reason for Amazon rejecting it a second time while you were "working" at Masada/King Solomon? Oh yea. Copyright infringement again. Or did I make that up?

And that, boys and girls, is how you fail your way up the food chain and become the latter day definition of the Peter Principle. When it involves lots of money, it's called "wingnut welfare."

And it's that wingnut welfare of which you still haven't divulged to your very few victims when you beg money from them. Never once have you told them about the six figure contract over two years ago (or was I making that up?), the move to Israel so you can have all your living expenses subsidized including couriers (or did I make that up?). And you certainly haven't told them you're sitting on a pile of money amounting to well over a half a million bucks after the buyout (At $200,000 a year and you being signed to your wingnut welfare contract through 2020, that comes out to about $600,000, not including benefits and perks, or did I make that up?).

The only thing that amazes me about you, Jailbird Joe, is how much denial you can live in while still functioning in the real world. You claim whatever I know is what you've "allowed" me to know but you had no idea that Schlomo was going to send out that email about Fiona's recent illness (or did I make that up, as well?).

The fact is, you can shake your pointy head all you want but you know that everything I've said about you and your gold digger Black Widow wife is absolutely on the mark despite your denials and public blustering. You can continue deluding yourself into thinking you're smarter than me and that my mind is your playground.

And HB is no longer my source for these things and you can fool yourself into thinking that's not true. But we haven't spoken since that scumbag Goldbloom got him fired from that job in the UK after the buyout and he had one foot out the door (Or did I make that up or did you allow me to know that?). I have lots of sources and I do not even have to look for them, you right wing toad, because people all over the world hate you so fucking much, they find me and volunteer this information.

Now, if you'll excuse me, we're done here. I have real work to do.

At April 28, 2018 at 6:06 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Oh, one more thing before I permanently leave you gasping in the dust, dickhead:

The refugees of Masada (their word, not mine) formed their own publishing company in Israel. It's based on a hybrid model, a publishing term of which I'm sure even a moron like you can understand. When they're not making you and Fiona the butt of endless jokes and memes and setting the editorial table on a roar, they're publishing real books that aren't derivative of 90's comedy shows on the SyFy Channel or things that sound as if they were extruded from the hind end of Simon & Schuster's Threshold Editions. And despite the money that would be involved in such a startup hybrid publishing venture, I'm giving some serious thought to letting them publish my latest novel. And how ironic would that be?

That my next publishing contract would be extended by the refugees of a right wing sewer mill that once employed an out-of-work, no talent bum like you?

The irony's more delicious than ambrosia.

At December 19, 2018 at 12:13 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Hey, cheesedick, where are those wonderful one star hit pieces on my books you've been furiously writing this past week in between your deathless opuses that offer quaint alternatives to humor and basic literacy? Seems they were taken down today. Maybe your sham account "Kindle Reader" got terminated after my nearly 3200 Facebook friends and others in the nearly 70 writers groups to which I belong reported them and your buddy in Israel "Daniel Cohen" reported for abuse. Maybe you should spend less time stalking me on Facebook and all over the internet and reporting me for "violating Community Standards" and spending more time tending to the shambles that is your life.

Oh, that reminds me- Have you been in touch with Erik Peterson, Art Director at Rifftrax? Yeah, after he got a rather long letter and about 50 file attachments from me detailing our wonderfully unnecessary relationship, he'd decided not to use any more of your, well, what passes for artwork. And, oh yeah, I'm afraid he's got some more bad news for you. I might as well break it to you now since I obviously got your attention:

"This is clearly an important issue, and I want to make sure it gets our full attention. That means of course doing our due diligence, so I hope you understand that we may need to take a bit of time to go through this process. Luckily (in relative terms, at least) his only association with us is that he runs a fan-centric "Wiki" cataloging our business on the Wikia platform, and he is an owner/moderator of one of our Facebook groups. The latter should be easy enough to take control away from him, if need be, while the former is entirely under his control. That being said, we do not send any traffic there, so any visitors he gets are purely from his own promotion.

So, thanks again for letting us know what Mr. Chadwick is up to. We'll look into this right away, and I will let you know what happens."

I also told him to tell Mike, Kevin and Bill to steer clear of you like the fucking plague you are. Sucks to be you these days, doesn't it?


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