Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Douchebags on Parade

Today's runoff election to decide who will be the junior senator of Massachusetts features more douchebags than Amsterdam's red light district. In one corner wearing the blue trunks, you have douchebag extraordinaire Attorney General Martha Coakley, who hasn't had the slightest problem in her long legal career with putting the wrong people behind bars.

In the other corner, wearing nothing, is even bigger douchebag State Senator Scott Brown, a man who's so nakedly, dare I say it, corrupt that he would make Tom DeLay blush and genuflect.

Below the ring apron holding a folding chair and waiting for Coakley to turn her back is perhaps the biggest douchebag of all, "The Tea Party Candidate" Joseph L. Kennedy, no relation to the douchebag Kennedys of Hyannisport. Kennedy bristles at the thought of being called a "spoiler" (they all do) but the fact is this particular douchebag knows he hasn't a chance and is telling reporters he's hoping to leach off votes from the Coakley campaign.

Either way, if you're a registered Massachusetts voter, you have three choices of douchebags. The only question is which is the smallest douchebag and who would do the least damage to our commonwealth and our country as a whole.

How did we get to this sorry state? How can Massachusetts, with a Democratic governor, a Democratic majority in the state capitol on Beacon Hill, two Democratic senators for the last several decades and every one of our ten congressmen being Democrats, a state with the reputation of being the bluest of the blue states... how come we couldn't field a better Democrat during the primaries than Martha Coakley, a USA PATRIOT Act-loving bag o' douche who would put her own grandmother behind bars if she thought it would wring out one more misguided vote for her campaign?

Well, part of the problem is, despite enjoying an undeserved reputation for being navy blue on the partisan map, registered independents here actually outnumber Democrats. While Republicans are, as you would expect, in the minority, making up only 15% of our voting bloc, only 35% are Democrats. The other half are independents, independents who, for decades, voted in almost exclusively cut-and-run Republican governors, male versions of Sarah Palin, for decades on end.

Maybe the better-qualified Democratic candidates were reticent about stepping into Ted Kennedy's very big shoes and that's understandable. But personal timidity makes for a very poor excuse when a national health care bill is in very real danger of being shelved well into this year when Scott Brown has already vowed to be the spoiler without having even read the entire Senate version.

Perhaps every one of our congressmen were afraid of losing their seniority in the House and their chairmanships. Marty Meehan, my old congressman, certainly would've made a very good fit and he wouldn't have had anything to lose since he retired and went into education. And while I don't think Teddy's seat should be a family heirloom, his widow Vicki would've made an intriguing candidate.

But there are certainly others who were no more obscure than Scott Brown, a guy whose main claim to fame was having his bubble-brained daughter Ayla on American Idol, a show that demonstrates on a weekly basis more devotion to democracy than our own democratic process.

And look where we are now because not a single one of the state's qualified democrats decided to step up to the plate: Barack Obama's signature domestic issue is now up for grabs and breathless right wing pundits are saying a Coakley loss will cost him the authority of his still-nascent presidency. The President had to rush to Massachusetts this weekend on Bill Clinton's coattails to stump for a candidate who couldn't even safeguard a 30 point lead because more and more the few democratic voters still willing to vote for Coakley are turned off by her every time she opens her big mouth.

Massachusetts, once a hotbed of liberal lionism, the home of Ted Kennedy, Tip O'Neill and other liberal stalwarts, has become a pale synecdoche of the Democrats on Capitol Hill- timorous, spineless, wimpy and genuinely baffled when they see an Olympic-class douchebag like Scott Brown stick up his hazel snout like the maggot that he is and sniff the air of opportunity.

And because of that timorousness, tonight we will elect one douchebag to the United States Senate. Either it will be a nakedly, brazenly corrupt tool of Wall Street like Scott Brown and we can wave bye bye to any chance of passing even a modicum of health care reform or a police state-enabling douchebag like Martha Coakley who has been to crime in Massachusetts that George W. Bush was to terrorism recruitment. And to you spineless Democrats in my adopted state, I say,

Thanks, assholes. None of you have any right to complain who gets to fart in Teddy's old seat for the next six years.


At January 19, 2010 at 10:54 AM, Blogger Pryme said...

JP, I was wondering what your opinion was on both Josh Marshall and Jon Perr, who gave their own reasons for Mass' current political landscape.

At January 19, 2010 at 11:06 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Josh Marshal said nothing but let "JC" do his talking. Perr's analysis, a regurgitation of actual poll work, sounds pretty spot-on, too.

Neither post even begins to answer or even ask why we couldn't field a better candidate than Martha Coakley, a woman who started her campaign with no money in her war chest and no other experience in state politics other than her still-new position as AG.

I mean, the woman has about as much warmth and charisma as a case of brain cancer.

At January 19, 2010 at 11:29 AM, Blogger Pryme said...

Thanks. I figured who better to ask then someone who's actually in the state in question?

My observation-based theory is the Democrats (the career establishment types, not the voters) got lazy and relied on the Kennedy Dynasty to win them yet another election. They felt (much like a coach who just won back-to-back championships) that they could pick anyone off the street, slap a "Do It For Ted" sticker on them, call them a Democrat, and still pull out a victory.

I personally never bought into this "the Democrats need 60 votes" logic because (as Stewart pointed out the other night) Bush did pretty much what he wanted to without a filibuster-proof majority.

At January 19, 2010 at 12:09 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Stewart nailed Coakley and the Democrats that night, didn't he? Heh heh.

At January 19, 2010 at 1:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you realize its been almost five months since Ted Kennedy has had a drink....thats the longest hes been on the wagon since he was 13 years old.

At January 19, 2010 at 2:04 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

And do you realize it's been almost five hours since Scott Brown's acted like a total douche and a plastic, squeaking fuck doll for Wall Street? The pressure must be killing him.

At January 19, 2010 at 4:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"A plactic squeaking fuck doll for Wall Street?"

My,my are'nt we a bit testy or a bit jealous of Mr.Brown.Maybe somewhat envious of anyone successful.

At January 19, 2010 at 5:21 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Jealous? Jealous?! Oh, please. I'd rather live in poverty for the rest of my life than be a Republican douchebag like Scott Brown for a single minute. There are some things that money can't buy... such as self-respect and decency.

At January 19, 2010 at 5:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Looks like your getting your wish.About the poverty thing.

At January 19, 2010 at 5:44 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

I wouldn't be so sure about that... bonehead.

At January 19, 2010 at 6:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

a little known Kennedy historic fact:

Eveyone knows the eldest Kennedy brother Joe was killed while serving during World War II.

Its also common knowledge he was the one selected by Joe senior to eventually run for president

After young Joe's tragic death the senior Kennedy turned to his son John to carry the family political torch.

The truth is John never really wanted anything to do with politics.In fact young John always wanted to be involved in sports.

JFK's fondest dream was to be a professional boxer,but as we found out...rim shot here...he could'nt take a shot to the head!

I'm here all week....tip your waiters!

At January 20, 2010 at 10:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yup, as I thought, combing through the comments, deleting anything you find unfavorable.
So you can use your blog to attack your ex, but you check and delete any comment you find uncomplimentary. Sad.
You really should think about heading West. Why stay in some Puritan hell-hole where the people don't think like you?
With your background, you would be the toast of the town in Eastern Oregon. C'mon out!


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