Lost But Not Regained
Understandably, I've been missing my grandson terribly, especially since his mother lost her job, moved out of town then lost her car for reasons beyond her control. So I looked to my camcorder for any videos that I hadn't uploaded to Youtube and found these two gems.
The first one, "Gavin the filmmaker", I didn't even know about. Somehow, my grandson had gotten ahold of my portable camcorder (that he still calls a phone because it looks like a bulky cell phone) and I truly don't remember him shooting this video. But I thank the Powers That Be that he didn't delete this as he did with all too many of my other videos.
The second, longer one, while it may be equally happy and lighthearted, is made almost unbearably poignant in light of recent events. It was when everyone was still living together at the old house and it would seem to suggest that we were all one big happy, family. We may have been big but were definitely not happy in the long term.
However, illusions are, if anything, more precious than real life. This video, while it may seem unremarkable to anyone outside the family, nonetheless shows that grownups bent over with cares, worries and fears, can still pretend the world is a happy, bright place when their children want to play with them. That we can simplify our lives for a few minutes at a time and forget about deficits, politics, crushing debt and creditors and everything else when our little loved ones appear at our knees with mischief in their eyes.
I miss those moments when I would stop being a blogger or a harassed boyfriend and just revel in the simple joy of being a grandfather and marveling at how incalculably precious and impossibly perfect that little boy is.
But, with the most penetrating sadness, my eyes mist up when I look at the second video because I now understand how lost paradise, however dogeared and tarnished it may have been, can never be regained.