Monday, August 31, 2009

An Open Letter to the Great State of Texas


If you feel that strongly about it, then just go. Please. Just... just get the fuck out of our union. If you feel that strongly about taking stimulus money designed to save and create jobs, to free up credit liquidity to get our economy going again, then don't go away angrily. Just go.

You have been an embarrassment to our nation long enough. Personally, I'd rather replace the state of Texas with Puerto Rico or an erstwhile-inhabited desert island in Fiji so we don't have to put up your constant irrationally egotistical boasting about how everything in Texas is bigger and better (despite never having fielded a World Series-winning team yet inflicting Connecticut Yankee George W. Bush on the rest of the world).

We're sick and tired of hearing new about you yahoos executing innocent men (and Supreme Court Justice Tony Scalia said that's lawful so no problem there) then launching a forensic investigation that would exonerate him only 5 years after you killed the man.

If you don't like your Social Security, if you don't like your government-run Medicare and Medicaid, if you don't like annual federal disbursements that help fund your schools and institutions of higher learning, your police and fire departments and other civil and social service agencies, if you don't like being included in transportation and infrastructure funding bills, if you don't like the billions in earmarks that your legislators have been getting for you all these decades, then fuck you. More for us.

Texas collectively has always struck me as that overweight, unrefined country bumpkin uncle who shows up only when there's free BBQ at the patriarch's house, the one the rest of the family can't stand but tolerates because, while you may be the farting, belching, ball-scratching, family-loathing right wing uncle, you've always been our farting, belching, ball-scratching, family-loathing right wing uncle. Yet, if you were serious about just never coming around again to eat our food, drink our beer and clog our toilet, then hardly any of us would shed a tear.

But know this: If for any arcane reason al Qaeda had considered your infrastructure critical enough to attack on September 11th, we would've been there in a heartbeat. If God forbid Galveston had again been struck by a hurricane like Katrina four years ago, we would've been there. If Timothy McVeigh had decided, instead, to bomb a federal building in Texas instead of Oklahoma City, we would've been there for our American brothers and sisters.

We would've started huge internet campaigns and relief organizations to supplement the federal response. We would've dispatched our local fire and law enforcement officials to help your people, volunteers would've poured in from all over the country to help out. Doctors and nurses and paramedics and ordinary volunteers would've put their lives on hold to help triage and treat the victims regardless of the nature of the emergency and the risks to our safety. We are Americans. That is what we do. The federal government would've stepped in with emergency funds and the president would've declared parts of Texas a disaster area, even if it would've taken FEMA five days to get there. We would've even rescued your pets.

But if you want to take your 24,326,974 people out of the union badly enough, if you honestly think that everywhere outside of your purloined state constitutes the entire United States, if you'd rather fly your Lone Star flag in lieu of the Stars and Stripes, if you are that determined then I guess we cannot stop you. If you want to further weaken the military infrastructure of the rest of our nation and make yourselves that much more vulnerable, fucking A. Go for it.

But we would've loved you as our fellow Americans. We would've put our lives in danger to help you Texans in the event of a catastrophe. We saw it in New York City. We saw it in New Orleans. And you would've seen it anywhere disaster would've struck your state.


At August 31, 2009 at 2:26 PM, Blogger Black Beauty said...

I don't know what to say. I am a Texan. I am a democrat, and I didn't for our idiot governor. He does not speak for me or a great majority of Texans. Just the fringe.

I would rather vote an amoeba then vote Perry worthless ass back in office. Most of the major cities are decent and don't suffer from teh stoopid like Governor Goodhair and his dittoheads. Hopefully we will voting his ass out of office very soon.

At August 31, 2009 at 2:42 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Black Beauty:

As I told Blue Texan on Firedoglake, this is not intended for the blue citizens of Texas. This isn't for the progressives or liberals or for the moderates or independents who aren't calling for secession or civil war.

This for the yahoos that you see in that video shot in Austin, allegedly the most liberal city in the whole state.

At August 31, 2009 at 2:57 PM, Blogger Hill said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At August 31, 2009 at 3:00 PM, Blogger Hill said...

Not all of us Texans are, as you put it, "Texas collectively has always struck me as that overweight, unrefined country bumpkin uncle who shows up only when there's free BBQ at the patriarch's house, the one the rest of the family can't stand but tolerates because, while you may be the farting, belching, ball-scratching, family-loathing right wing uncle, you've always been our farting, belching, ball-scratching, family-loathing right wing uncle. Yet, if you were serious about just never coming around again to eat our food, drink our beer and clog our toilet, then hardly any of us would shed a tear."

Matter of fact, about 1/2 of the population of this state identifies themselves as liberals/progressives.

And I am certainly not an overweight, unrefined country bumpkin uncle.


Ditto for what Black Beauty said.


At August 31, 2009 at 3:12 PM, Blogger Fearguth said...

As a native Texan (born in 1942 in Corpus Christi), I have to agree with JP that Texas hasn't distinguished itself since the days of Sam Rayburn. And he died 48 years ago.

At August 31, 2009 at 3:16 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...


That's why I said "collectively." The rednecks pretty much unfairly characterize the state and people from outside the state tend to think the same way. Of course, I know that isn't true. I went to AF basic in San Antonio in 1977 and know of a quite a few progressive bloggers from Texas (although I'm not so sure that half the state identifies itself as liberal/progressive).

But if they do secede and you guys want to keep your US citizenship, the other 49 states would be glad to have you if you decide to relocate.

At August 31, 2009 at 7:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been told the birds in Texas fly upside down......Because there's nothing worth shitting on in the state.

At August 31, 2009 at 8:06 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

I'd give that the rejoinder it deserves but I can't stop laughing long enough to type for long...

At August 31, 2009 at 9:59 PM, Blogger daveawayfromhome said...

Good news! Kinky Friedman is going to run again, and has decided to do it right this time, running as a Democrat instead of as an independent and splitting the progressive vote. 'Bout time we had a Democratic candidate that was more interesting than oatmeal.
Hopefully we can soon close the chapter on Rentboy Rick and all the dimwitted yahoos that his governorship has encouraged.

At September 1, 2009 at 12:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wonder if Mexico would take it back for a small fee?


At September 1, 2009 at 4:41 AM, Blogger Jill said...

This may be the best post you've ever done. Bravo!

At September 1, 2009 at 8:04 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...


Maybe if the fee was in the form of a cash for clunkers-style program, maybe.

At September 3, 2009 at 4:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"If God forbid Galveston had again been struck by a hurricane like Katrina four years ago, we would've been there."

But, but..they were NOT there for Katrina. Still waiting.........


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