Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Assessing the Opposition


"Okay, Libya. President Obama supported the uprising, correct? President Obama called for the removal of Gaddafi. Just wanted to make sure we're talking about the same thing before I say, 'Yes, I agreed. No, I didn't agree'. I do not agree with the way he handled it for the following reason. Nope, that's a different one." - Herman Cain to the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel editorial board.

It takes a special man that can make even liberals appreciate the foreign policy genius of a George W. Bush and Herman Cain is that man. And while the Simple Simons of the Southern Strategy are mesmerized by this Pieman/Confidence Man, the rest of us have to also take this clown seriously because, against all rhyme or reason, everyone else seems to take him seriously.

Personally, I don't how the editorial board of the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel could refrain from laughing out loud at Cain in this train wreck of an interview about Libya. It brought to mind George Bush's interview with a Boston reporter in which the Governor of Texas didn't know the first name of Pakistan's dictator and Sarah Palin's now legendary interview with Katie Couric that, of course, was all Couric's fault.

Essentially, in his explication of what he would've done about Libya and Gadaffi, Cain just kept shuffling around the words "assessment", "opposition" and a few clauses and prepositions in ever-varying ways and hoped it would at least suspiciously sound like a semi-cogent answer. But to anyone paying even cursory attention, it was screamingly obvious that the Pieman in this case is the Simple Simon and that, by conspicuous relief, George W. Bush was a fucking foreign policy wonk on a par with Joe Biden.

Miss him, yet? Uh, not quite. But we're getting there.

Cain's spokesman JD Gordon didn't exactly put oil on the water when he said,
"The video is being taken out of context. He was taking questions for about 30 to 40 minutes on four hours of sleep. He didn't say anything wrong or in accurate; it just took him a while to recall the specifics of Libya.

“It just took him a while to gain his bearings.”

Uh huh. Like we're supposed to believe that the President of the United States will always be allowed to function on no less than 8 hours of sleep a night and that foreign policy blunders will always be forgiven by the world community on grounds of lack of sleep.

Let's go on a Scroogian tour to an alternate reality more horrible than any that Newt Gingrich ever sweated out of his corpulent mind in which Herman Cain is the President of the United States last month.


The Oval Office, October 2011
3 AM

"Day-am! Whose ass I hafta invade before a man can get his eight hours?"
"Mr. President, the Libyan rebels have just taken the capital city of Tripoli."
"Trip... what? I thought Tripoli be in Italy!"
"Uh, no sir. It's the capital of Libya."
"OK, who's who?"
"Sir?"
"I said who's who? Who's the good guys and who be the bad guys?"
"Uh, Mr. President, it's not advisable to look at geopolitical terms in black and white. The rebels are..."
"Just answer me one question, Mr. Joe College: Are we with Gadaffi or against him? 'Cuz I don't remember Bush ever meeting 'im."
"Even if he did, Mr. President, it wouldn't necessarily be relevant to the current situation. International politics tends to be fluid and..."
"Ah-ight, ah-ight, spare me the lecture, Sheepskin Boy. Are we with the motherfucker or are we against him?"
"At this moment, sir, international opinion is against him."
"So that means we be with the rebels, right?"
"That's our official position, sir. However, as I'd said earlier, it's not that cut and dry. The rebels are attempting to overthrow a longstanding government in a fervor to bring back Sharia law..."
"Wait a minute... Is Gadaffi the one who dresses like an old lady if she was possessed by Michael Jackson?"
"Sir?"
"Or is that a different sand nigger I be thinking of?"
"..."
"Wassmatta, College Boy? Cat gotcha tongue? It's 3:05 in the damn mornin'. Why can't those Middle Eastern motherfuckers go by American time?"
"Mr. President, Libya's in northern Africa."
"You lecturing me, Mr. Sassy Pants? I'm President Herman Cain, bitch! How can they be African? Mr. Potato Head Gadaffi's even whiter than Michael Jackson was when he made Bad."
"Trust me, sir. Libya's in North Africa. Check the globe in the corner."
"You check the globe in the corner, Big Man on Campus!"
"Bottom line is, sir, pending field reports from the commanders on the ground, we'll need to assess whether NATO's troops are adequately positioned to support the rebel troops."
"Man, it's too early for this shit. Someone tell the kitchen to send down a pizza."
(White House aide phones for pizza to an incredulous chef.)
"Now, we have to assess the opposition. Gadaffi's the opposition, right? Hey, I heard on Drudge that the rebels were the same ones be killing our boys in Iraq four years ago. You hear that rumor, too?"
"Yes, sir. Some of the rebels are."
"So how we supposed to know who the fucking opposition is?"
"..."
"Damn, boy, you sound like Rick Perry when he had that brain fart. Bbbbrrrpppp. Sound like that, kinda watery-like. Bbbbrrrrpppppp. Heh.65 years-old and I still love that sound."
"Mr. President, the Libyan situation?"
"Well, I ain't seen the assessment yet so I can't assess the, uh, opposition. You sure them motherfuckers are in North Africa? 'Cuz next thing you'll be telling me, Mexico's in North America."
"Uh, actually, sir..."
"Don't you tell me that, man. Since when's Mexico in North America?"
"Since always, sir. Mr. President, perhaps we should invite over Vice President Buster Douglas and Secretary of State Palin to..."
"Secretary Palin? What she know 'bout foreign policy? Dumb bitch think she an expert on foreign policy 'cuz she once had lunch at the Russian Tea Room."
"Well, you nominated her, sir. The senate confirmed her."
"Well, now, let's look at the assessment of the, uh, opposition. Say, if we help overthrow Gadaffi, that'll set woman's rights back about 1000 years, won't it?"
"That's one possible scenario, sir."
"And that'll mean they can't file sexual harassment charges, right?"
"Uh, possibly. But..."
"Sound good to me!"

Choose wisely next November, people.

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