Monday, March 26, 2012

If Literary Agents Had Been With Us Through History


I've been saying for years now that literary agents with their solipsism, greed, elite attitudes and general, all-around stupidity in matters literary and otherwise, are slowly but surely destroying our literary culture and heritage. What follows below are what some of the greatest writers in history would've faced if literary agents had been indispensable from the outset or if these writers were trying to make their mark today. These are actual responses that I and other writers have heard from literary agents of late as to why we were beneath consideration for representation and this writer has no confidence that his legendary predecessors would've been any more immune.

Dear Mr. Tolstoy:

We have read your proposal for your novel, War and Peace, and, while we recognize its merits, we have to regrettably decline an opportunity to read more. Today's market being the way it is, we simply do not feel we can place a book that's over 100,000 words. We have recently had to decline other massive projects by people such as Margaret Mitchell and Steig Larsen. Our recommendation is to cut roughly 80% of the novel and resubmit it. But we wish you the best luck in all your future endeavors.

Dear Mr. Dickens:

After careful consideration of your book, Oliver Twist, we have to decline your offer to have our agency represent you. As stated in our submission guidelines on our website, and as we'd recently had to tell a horror writer in Bangor, Maine, we cannot with sufficient enthusiasm try to market books that place children in danger. But we wish you the best of luck in your future publishing endeavors.

Dear Mr. Homer:

We have received and carefully reviewed your presentation for your epic poem, The Iliad. We are obliged to decline reading the rest of your project because poetry simply does not sell in today's market. But we wish you the best in all your future endeavors...

Dear Mr. Philip K. Dick:

Re: Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

We have read with some interest your proposal in a subgenre of science fiction that you've labeled "cyberpunk." As we have told another writer, William Gibson, your work lacks credibility in that you do not have an internet presence, hence a marketing platform. Today's market being the way it is, if you cannot guarantee at least hardcover sales of 5000 by having a specific threshold of followers on certain social networking sites, we cannot take you seriously. Try setting up accounts on Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and try us again. We wish all the best in your future endeavors, etc...

Dear Dr. Johnson:

We've read your submission for your project, A Dictionary of the English Language and, while the erudition cannot be faulted, we have to decline extending an offer of representation. Number one, we do not represent nonfiction and, number two, we must say that your bellicose attitude in uncharitably bringing up the observation that the modern world has taken away an author's patrons and replaced them with literary agents is perhaps the reason why you remain unpublished. But we wish you good luck in your future endeavors.

Dear Mrs. Shelley:

While we think your science fiction project, Frankenstein, has many merits, we feel we cannot wholeheartedly embrace your book with the enthusiasm necessary to place it with a publisher. This is a highly subjective business and while we cannot delve into why we're passing on this, allow us to suggest making the Frankenstein monster a zombie or vampire who's hunted by a historical figure, such as Abraham Lincoln. Good luck in your future endeavors...

Dear Ms. Carson:

We have received your nonfiction project, Silent Spring and had immediately declined it for being liberal, alarmist propaganda. Global warming and effects of pollution are mere theories and there isn't a market for your unsupported allegations. Good luck in your future endeavors...

Dear Mr. Bradbury:

No. There is no market for short stories.

Dear Mr. Shakespeare:

Obviously, you did not read our guidelines on our official website, which categorically states that we do not represent poets or playwrights. Try converting your projects Hamlet, Othello and MacBeth into novels under 100,000 words and make the characters more compelling. For instance, Hamlet's constant dithering and lack of clear motivation left us unsatisfied. Reduce the body count at the end to leave room for a sequel. Just some ideas. We wish you the best in all your future publishing endeavors...

Dear Matthew, Mark, Luke and John:

Thank you for your collaborative biography on the life of Christ. We usually don't give detailed critiques on properties we decline but we were particularly impressed with Jesus' ascent to heaven. Perhaps you'd have better luck placing this biography if you turned Jesus into a zombie (Given the popularity of AMC's The Walking Dead, you'd be smart to jump on the bandwagon). And his ascent to heaven would make him a flying zombie, which would give the zombie subgenre a novel twist. Just something to consider. With much luck on your future endeavors, we remain, etc, etc etc...

4 Comments:

At March 26, 2012 at 5:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you get another rejection letter? I'm pretty sure the problem stems from the fact that I appreciate and enjoy your writing. If I like something it's destined to failure.
Sorry,
Mike in Moo Hampshire

 
At March 26, 2012 at 5:20 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

No, Mike, I've long since given up on agents and I'm just concentrating, in my spare time, on writing new novels. This was just an amusing idea I had when I got up this morning. I actually sent this off to about a dozen of the more disrespectful lit agencies that've already rejected my work.

Btw, a certain stalker from Seattle should know I'm still not reading much less moderating and approving his snide little comments no matter how many he's written. That poor, pathetic bastard really does go to extraordinary lengths to get my attention even though I'm treating him the same exact way 60% of literary agents treat me: With utter cold contempt.

 
At March 27, 2012 at 5:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I’m sure you’re aware of self-publishing websites like the one I used. I’m not a writer, but I did publish a book, The Recollections, Observations, Opinions and Confessions of a Plain Nobody. I prepared the manuscript and had a few copies printed. I did it for my deceased grandmother. I wish she were alive to see it. I still have tons of material and someday I will get around to publishing the rest of her stories. “Hank Sharkey and Mingo”, “A Monument to May Bethy”, “The Three Untouchables” and others. The cool thing about self publishing is you can get 1 hard copy if that’s all you want. I ordered 20 and gave most of them to family. No one else bought a copy, but I didn’t expect to sell any. I know you have higher and well deserved expectations.

http://www.lulu.com/shop/sidney-e-waters/the-recollections-observations-opinions-and-confessions-of-a-plain-nobody/hardcover/product-4789843.html;jsessionid=7892C388ACE15A4513D299701568853D

Mike

 
At March 27, 2012 at 5:55 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

The cover's beautiful enough to pass for being professionally done by a real publisher. Good for you. Have you ever considered trying to publish it on Nook or Kindle?

 

Post a Comment

<< Home

KindleindaWind, my writing blog.

All Time Classics

  • Our Worse Half: The 25 Most Embarrassing States.
  • The Missing Security Tapes From the World Trade Center.
  • It's a Blunderful Life.
  • The Civil War II
  • Sweet Jesus, I Hate America
  • Top Ten Conservative Books
  • I Am Mr. Ed
  • Glenn Beck: Racist, Hate Monger, Comedian
  • The Ten Worst Music Videos of all Time
  • Assclowns of the Week

  • Links to the first 33 Assclowns of the Week.
  • Links to Assclowns of the Week 38-63.
  • #106: The Turkey Has Landed edition
  • #105: Blame it on Paris or Putin edition
  • #104: Make Racism Great Again Also Labor Day edition
  • #103: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Toilet edition
  • #102: Orange is the New Fat edition
  • #101: Electoral College Dropouts edition
  • #100: Centennial of Silliness edition
  • #99: Dr. Strangehate edition
  • #98: Get Bentghazi edition
  • #97: SNAPping Your Fingers at the Poor edition
  • #96: Treat or Treat, Kiss My Ass edition
  • #95: Monumental Stupidity double-sized edition
  • #94: House of 'Tards edition
  • #93: You Da Bomb! edition.
  • #92: Akin to a Fool edition.
  • #91: Aurora Moronealis edition.
  • #90: Keep Your Gubmint Hands Off My High Pre'mums and Deductibles! edition.
  • #89: Occupy the Catbird Seat/Thanksgiving edition.
  • #88: Heil Hitler edition.
  • #87: Let Sleeping Elephants Lie edition.
  • #86: the Maniacs edition.
  • #85: The Top 50 Assclowns of 2010 edition.
  • #(19)84: Midterm Madness edition.
  • #83: Spill, Baby, Spill! edition.
  • #82: Leave Corporations Alone, They’re People! edition.
  • #81: Hatin' on Haiti edition.
  • #80: Don't Get Your Panties in a Twist edition.
  • #79: Top 50 Assclowns of 2009 edition.
  • #78: Nattering Nabobs of Negativism edition.
  • #77: ...And Justice For Once edition.
  • #76: Reading Tea Leaves/Labor Day edition.
  • #75: Diamond Jubilee/Inaugural Edition
  • #74: Dropping the Crystal Ball Edition
  • #73: The Twelve Assclowns of Christmas Edition
  • #72: Trick or Treat Election Day Edition
  • #71: Grand Theft Autocrats Edition
  • #70: Soulless Corporations and the Politicians Who Love Them Edition
  • Empire Of The Senseless.
  • Christwire.org: Conservative Values for an Unsaved World.
  • Esquire's Charles Pierce.
  • Brilliant @ Breakfast.
  • The Burning Platform.
  • The Rant.
  • Mock, Paper, Scissors.
  • James Petras.
  • Towle Road.
  • Avedon's Sideshow (the new site).
  • At Largely, Larisa Alexandrovna's place.
  • The Daily Howler.
  • The DCist.
  • Greg Palast.
  • Jon Swift. RIP, Al.
  • God is For Suckers.
  • The Rude Pundit.
  • Driftglass.
  • Newshounds.
  • William Grigg, a great find.
  • Brad Blog.
  • Down With Tyranny!, Howie Klein's blog.
  • Wayne's World. Party time! Excellent!
  • Busted Knuckles, aka Ornery Bastard.
  • Mills River Progressive.
  • Right Wing Watch.
  • Earthbond Misfit.
  • Anosognosia.
  • Echidne of the Snakes.
  • They Gave Us a Republic.
  • The Gawker.
  • Outtake Online, Emmy-winner Charlotte Robinson's site.
  • Skippy, the Bush Kangaroo
  • No More Mr. Nice Blog.
  • Head On Radio Network, Bob Kincaid.
  • Spocko's Brain.
  • Pandagon.
  • Slackivist.
  • WTF Is It Now?
  • No Blood For Hubris.
  • Lydia Cornell, a very smart and accomplished lady.
  • Roger Ailes (the good one.)
  • BlondeSense.
  • The Smirking Chimp.
  • Hammer of the Blogs.
  • Vast Left Wing Conspiracy.
  • Argville.
  • Existentialist Cowboy.
  • The Progressive.
  • The Nation.
  • Mother Jones.
  • Vanity Fair.
  • Salon.com.
  • Citizens For Legitimate Government.
  • News Finder.
  • Indy Media Center.
  • Lexis News.
  • Military Religious Freedom.
  • McClatchy Newspapers.
  • The New Yorker.
  • Bloggingheads TV, political vlogging.
  • Find Articles.com, the next-best thing to Nexis.
  • Altweeklies, for the news you won't get just anywhere.
  • The Smirking Chimp
  • Don Emmerich's Peace Blog
  • Wikileaks.
  • The Peoples' Voice.
  • Dictionary.com.
  • CIA World Fact Book.
  • IP address locator.
  • Tom Tomorrow's hilarious strip.
  • Babelfish, an instant, online translator. I love to translate Ann Coulter's site into German.
  • Newsmeat: Find out who's donating to whom.
  • Wikipedia.
  • Uncyclopedia.
  • anysoldier.com
  • Icasualties
  • Free Press
  • YouTube
  • The Bone Bridge.
  • Powered by Blogger