Dear Eugene

A letter that I just had to send to Eugene Delgaudio, noted repressed homosexual:

"OK, listen up, you pathetic, homophobic asswipe:

At first, you were amusing. I'd written a long, satirical post about you a year or two ago. Jon Stewart had briefly mentioned you on The Daily Show but your 15 minutes had long since passed. You became tiresome and unfit even for parody. I unsubscribed to your updates, to which I'd never subscribed, in the first place. Months passed. Then earlier this year, I found that I'd been resubscribed, again, without making any effort on my own part to do so.

Seconds after I send this to you, I will unsubscribe yet again then block your email address but before I do this, I need to tell you something:

Your feverish, sweaty, bug-eyed conspiracies about Obama-sponsored homosexual Coup de têtes and warehouses filled with homosexual propaganda (that, for some reason, you were allegedly trolling in the dead of night) immediately reveal you as a closeted homosexual. A recent scientific study conclusively proved that those most loudly railing about the LGBT community are more often than not repressed self-loathing homosexuals such as yourself. To paraphrase the bromide, the squeakiest wheel gets the semen.

Unfortunately for the LGBT community, you are not the colorful, sweet gay man who loves and accepts everyone at face value and simply wants the same rights as every other tax-paying American citizen. No, you are the dark side of homosexuality. You are the self-repressing, self-loathing kind who not only denies who he is, but you would seek to deny basic, inalienable rights to your fellow homosexuals. You seem to believe in your funhouse mirror of a mind that, if I loathe myself and my own kind loudly and long enough, I will eventually expunge the gayness in me.


You are to the rest of the gay community as fellow gay-baiter Fred Phelps is to the Democratic Party: An embarrassment, so much so that Phelps' affiliation with our party tempts us into forming another party into which he and his inbred ilk, hopefully, will not follow us.

The homosexual community does not need people like you in its midst. There's nothing you can do about being gay, no matter what Marcus Bachmann and other repressed "Pray the gay away" gay men say. I would think, with North Carolina's noxious Amendment One passing by a 61-39% margin last night, you'd be elated. But apparently, self-loathing fags such as yourself won't be appeased until others like you are eradicated from the earth.

But here's a clue, moron: Gay and bisexual people like me have been around since the dawn of human history and will be around as long as mankind endures. And the sooner you accept that as a matter of immutable fact, the sooner you can come out and swish around in a mesh shirt in the Castro while singing show tunes between sips of your wine spritzer.

Or you can do the truly decent thing and walk past the Castro, muse on what could've been and take that last long step off the Golden Gate Bridge. Don't forget to tie a cinder block or two around your neck for good measure.