Why I'd Rather Suck Mitt Romney's Dick Than Vote For Obama

By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative

During a rainy day in New York recently, I was thinking as I walked on a crippled Occupy protester's back on the way to my limo that, while I'm not one of those Nancy boys, I would actually suck on Mitt Romney's cock before voting for Obama again.

Thank God it shouldn't have to come to that, although, just between you and me, the prospect of both voting for Romney and sucking on his cock leaves a weird taste in my mouth, the kind you would get if you sucked on a plastic golf tee for no accountable reason.

Now, I know what you libs and fulltime, professional cocksuckers are going to say: "Shouldn't Prosperity for America be supporting Obama, too, considering we're in the middle of a bull market, housing sales are up, industry regulations have lagged behind the first three and a half years of even the Bush administration, CEO pay is higher than ever and the 1% is 13% richer now than it was four years ago?"

Poppycock, balderdash and dressage horse hockey!

You'll note I said I wouldn't vote "for Obama again." Yes, four years ago, I decided after some fruitless soul-searching that I'd vote for the glib, articulate guy from Illinois instead of the ambulatory mummy with the Stepford Sally Field running mate.

Why, you ask, would a rock-ribbed conservative-American commit such a shocking act of apostasy, of treason, of treachery? Well, it's simple when you think about it. It wasn't so much Obama I was voting for. #1, I'd never vote for a Kenyan (and I know the same Four Seasons dishwasher that Ann Coulter does, a guy from Nigeria who has a relative in Kenya whose second cousin knows a guy who'll swear that Obama was born there. Yes, those wily Africans began creating their Nairobi Candidate nearly half a century before the last general election). #2, it wasn't Obama I was voting for but Biden.

Yes, Biden! Biden, he's my man. And if his home state can't incorporate my various shell companies, no one can. It was Biden who'd essentially midwifed that bankruptcy bill back in 2005 that drove liberals into a tizzy. As well as having a cock more massive than a toddler's arm, Ole Hair Plugs knows which side his bread is buttered on.

Delaware, the other Rhode Island, has three things going for it: Being a dumping ground for Trenton, New Jersey, interstate toll booths every 50 yards and, best of all, the state with far more papers of incorporation than all the other 49 states combined. There are more corporate secrets locked away in Delaware than fucking Iron Mountain and Dick Cheney's old heart combined. And I thought ole Joe was going to have my back, all our backs. What the fuck, Dick Cheney actually ran the country, we all know that. He once told me he used to send Bush out for coffee and pastry at the Dunkin' Donuts in Arlington, Virginia during every energy and national security meeting.

If anything, I thought Biden would make the same power grab Cheney did considering the old fuck was in the senate for 6 terms while Obama was a freshman. But Biden turned out to be another Hubert Humphrey lap dog only with a hotter wife.

So what's my problem and why am I figuratively now prepared to don knee pads and polish Romney's Mormon knob before I would ever vote for Obama-Biden again? Because they haven't given us everything, yet, and we're impatient. Like Romney, in 2010, I came dangerously close to paying 14% on my largely capital gains dividends and I am not taking the risk of having that happen again. Mitt did a damned selfless thing in not claiming almost $2,000,000 of his deductions for last year, thereby artificially bloating his tax rate and paying about half, HALF! as much in federal income and capital gains taxes as Rafalca's groomer or the illegals who'd worked on his front lawn in Belmont. Mitt's deductions died for the sins of the 47%, for fuck's sake, and voting for Obama would only bring us that much closer to that happening again.

The only problem I have with Romney (OK, I have two, #1 being his barely restrained honey badger of a wife. Ann could scare the shit out of that ceiling-crawling black-eyed little nip in The Ring movies) is his brutal honesty when he thinks he's behind closed doors. Of course we all feel the same way he does. Of course everyone who votes for Obama is a tax dodger (I'm living proof of that) but must you be so obvious about it, Willard?

Another thing: If you want to look more Mexican, start by toning down the makeup. Last week, you looked like a free crash test dummy figurine that came inside a bag of Cheetos.