Monday, May 16, 2016

Cartoons for Terrorists

     I've been called a lot of things in my life but Saint Valentine was never one of them.
     A few weeks ago, my source on Twitter gave me the email address for a girl named Fiona in Idaho (aka "The Other Maine"). She was the one who'd broken off her engagement with Joe "Dave" Chadwick, the brain-damaged Iraq War vet whose insanity and bizarre behavior was so pronounced even from 6000 miles away, she'd decided to break off the engagement.
     Assuming, wrongly as it turned out, this girl could be reasoned with, I sent her an email, summarizing what her ex had been putting me through since June of last year and asking for some context behind their breakup. Before you crinkle your eyebrows and ask me why in the world I would want to do such a thing, let me explain that we writers (and political bloggers, if we're worth our weight in Cheetos) will go to extraordinary lengths in the name of research. Remember, I'm writing a thriller in the near future featuring the Chadwick twins. No, I wasn't kidding about that.
     I was pretty low key, wasn't writing in all caps and doing the cybernetic equivalent of screaming. I had merely synopsized what her old flame had been putting my fiancee and me through and asked for context regarding their breakup. Remember, at this juncture, I thought I was writing to someone who was actually sane.
     Boy, was I wrong.
     It turns out this right wing nut bag named Fiona once worked as a volunteer for Ted "BusTED" Cruz and Mitt Romney. A couple of weeks went by and, as I expected, she never wrote back to me and there I let the matter drop.
     Then I got a series of DMs from my friend in Utah who said Fiona's head exploded when she read my email and called up "Dave" Chadwick for the first time in 12 years. Before anyone knew what had happened, she went to Weber County, Utah, they got re-engaged and now Chapped Dick's moving his semen-stained Goodwill furniture into a storage unit in Farr West along with his twin "Danny" (who's moving to Los Angeles this Wednesday, obviously to continue ducking his child support obligations to his daughter).

     Yeah, this is what Fiona thought would be a good bet with whom to spend the rest of her life. They'll make the kind of couple you just know you'll be seeing in a few months on the 5 o'clock news or reading about on Raw Story in the "Husband Shoots Wife Then Turns Gun on Himself" files. This is an overexposed photo I harvested from Chapped Dick's old blog, looking very much like the mouthless creations he'd essentially stolen from the Danish Lego corporation or an extra from some hillbilly version of a video of ZZ Top's "Sharp Dressed Man".
     And that leads me to the title of this post, the last one I will ever write about Joseph David Chadwick, the poor man's Mike Nelson.
     Among the bombshell revelations made to me of late by my Man in Utah was the incredible news that Chadwick actually got himself a literary agent and a publishing deal that's reportedly worth about six figures. I have no idea who this Israeli literary agent Ariel Levin is as she has no internet presence nor can I find any reference online to this Israeli publisher who put him in touch with this agent.
     In all fairness to Chadwick, the publishing business is gradually getting to the point in which only insiders can realistically hope for a publishing contract. The only other way to cut in line, it seems, is to have your work referred by someone who has an "in" and this is exactly how Chadwick slimed his way through the back door. Apparently, Israel also uses in-house agents and, seeing something in his mouthless creations worth cultivating, they wanted to kick back 15% to their buddy literary agent.
     Not only that, but this contract necessarily involves a relocation to Tel Aviv because they're offering him a staff job. Gee, I wonder how long it took for Chadwick to throw Granny from the train once he got wind of this deal from this Levin character? My guess: About a nanosecond, if that. Now poor Granny won't have anyone to do her lawn since Danny Boy will also be heading for greener pastures so he can better dodge his child support obligations.

     Yes, the scum of the earth is suddenly living a life of all aces and he partially has me to thank.
     Because if I hadn't written that email to his ex Fiona weeks ago, she never would've called him and he would've gone off to Israel alone so he could draw cartoons for a terrorist rogue nation that apparently is suffering a dearth of bad, derivative cartoons. So where's my thanks?
     There will be none forthcoming. Even though Chapped Dick cleaned his trailer, got rid of the body odor and even threw away all the pictures lining his laptop monitor of WWE wrestler Becky Lynch (Boy, that must've hurt because let's just say Pal Joey didn't need tape or glue to get them to stick to the edge of his monitor). He's got an agent, he's got a publisher and he's engaged to a fellow right wing, Palestine-hating moron. And they're now on their way to Israel, after a stopover in Idaho, which, for evolutionary dropouts like Joe and Fiona, is like floating up to the mother ship.
     Now, ordinarily, I wouldn't begrudge another their success. While I can't say I'm overjoyed to see others getting a literary agent before me, it's not as if writers are actually in competition with each other. True, we're all going for a thimbleful or two of the rapidly shrinking advance pool that seems to fill the in-ground pools of right wing morons and hacks who largely don't write their own books. But we're not really in competition with each other.
     But when a stinking (literally, stinking, from what others say about him), right wing stalker, jailbird and cultural hack like Chadwick gets an agent and a contract while I'm still getting boilerplate from flunkies... Well, that's proof positive that God is dead and rotting in heaven. And this is the forensic proof.
     And apparently the future Mrs. Chadwick is still spitting nails at me, much moreso than Chadwick himself. Apparently, she resents the fact that I told the truth about her man and that the truth is embarrassing in the extreme.
     Plus, one has to wonder about the suspicious timing of Fiona's voluntary reinsertion into the semen-flecked world of Joe Chadwick at pretty much the exact moment he had a six figure contract waved under his nose by some Israeli publisher. Do the words Gravy and Train ring a bell? How about Gold and Digger?
     So, this is just to let Pal Joey know he's still in my thoughts and that sometime in the near future, he'll be further immortalized along with his semi-vestigial twin John when I finish my thriller starring the Brothers Chadwick. I don't expect the stalking to cease and if I start getting a shitload of hits from Israel, I'll know exactly where they're coming from and I'll let his employers know what he's doing when he should be churning out inferior cartoons for them on the company dime.
     So, the least deserving person I know is now blessed with love and is living a (literally) cleaner life thanks to the efforts of yours truly. He and Fiona deserve each other and they can continue spitting venom at Palestine across the west bank after they trade one worthless, arid desert for another. Maybe in lieu of a mirror, they can fornicate under a huge poster of the baleful, well-fed face of Bibi Netanyahu on the ceiling. Let your imagination run wild.
     Still, a little appreciation would've been nice.


At May 17, 2016 at 4:11 AM, Anonymous CC said...

Can you say "Stockholm" and "syndrome"?

At least grandma will have $2,000 more each month to hire a better caretaker.

At May 17, 2016 at 12:11 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Sorry, Becky Lynch, this one is off the shelf.

At May 17, 2016 at 12:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm still trying to figure out what this guy has done to "stalk" you. From the looks of this post, it is you who is the cyber-bully. Your obsession with this Chadwick character has taken over your mind and blinded you to the fact that the very thing you have accused him of, you are now guilty of far far worse.

Ask yourself "What harm has Dave Chadwick actually done to me?" From all the posts I've read about him -- not much. Reading your blog? Not stalking? Leaving reviews for your books? Not stalking. But what you've described above is worlds beyond anything you've accused him of.

You're a hateful, creepy, obsessive, small minded man who is lashing out against the world. Chadwick just happened to be in your sights. You've tried to take him down and you couldn't. You're lucky he doesn't call the cops on you.

At May 17, 2016 at 12:44 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Obviously, you lack basic reading comprehension skills or are willfully blind to the truth because you, too, have harbored this irrational hatred of me. Either way, it's a waste of electricity to move my fingers responding to you and I put up your stupid-ass comment solely to provide context.

But when a guy clicks on my blog's various links over 200 times a day, then gives one star ratings to that person's books on Goodreads that he's neither bought nor read and writes fake one star reviews of the same books on Amazon, then that's creepy, stalking, bizarre behavior. Just because you willfully have a blind spot to that doesn't mean it isn't true. If I was a stalker, I'd call or text Chadwick even as he's way to Idaho Falls to marry that right wing nut job Fiona but I won't. As it is, the last week of Chapped Dick's life is like an extended Benny Hill sketch speeded up triple time.

And I'm content to just sit back and watch it from a distance.

In the meantime, I have three letters that'll change your life. You ready? You listening?

RIF. Reading is Fundamental.

Now fuck off and stop embarrassing yourself, douchebag.

At May 17, 2016 at 4:05 PM, Anonymous D. Mann said...

How long have you been reading this blog? JP has outlined multiple times that these two man-children have gone out of their way to make his life miserable. And he's absolutely right about them. You know how I know? Because I know them. Personally. You can't do what they've done and expect there to be no consequences. JP is totally within his rights to post whatever he wants about them - plus they deserve it. I should know.

I assume you know them too, Anon, otherwise you wouldn't be defending the obviously indefensible. Did they let you take over their lawn duties up at grandma's house for 2 grand a month?

If not, you might want to hop on that action, since you probably don't have a real job. And no, blowing the brothers Chadwick for $50 a pop ($75 if you blow them both a the same time) doesn't count as legitimate employment.

Get bent, anon, I for one couldn't be happier they're gone. The city suddenly smells better and I know why.

At May 17, 2016 at 9:50 PM, Anonymous The Mole said...

I am the provider of all this information, at it is all absolutely true and correct! I don't know what to say beyond that. Anybody who would condone this behavior is just as bad as the newly formed mr and Mrs Chadwick.

At May 20, 2016 at 12:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, let me get this straight.

The guy reviewed your books and reads your blog, which you consider stalking. You, on the other hand, have, by your own admission, have somebody spying on him for you, you're writing a book about him and his brother as sort of immature, petty revenge, you contacted his ex-fiance to get dirt on him, and you write endlessly about him. You are aware of all his movements and proudly declare them. You post VERY questionable information regarding his private life, something he has never done to you. It is you who is attempting to involve law enforcement for activities that are in now way illegal. It is you who is publicly attacking him and his new wife with absolutely no provocation.

It is clear who is obsessed with who, and it's you who are obsessed with him. His questionable behavior is dwarfed by yours. In fact, there is no questionable or illegal behavior on his part. Your actions, however, are quite actionable should he ever decide to press charges against you in civil court. The activities described constitute libel, conspiracy and harassment. At the very least, this is doxing and cyberbullying. Chadwick has never once harmed you. Your intentions, on the other hand, are petty, malicious and wholly unnecessary.

You, Robert Crawford, are an unhinged, rage and hate filled, bigoted lunatic. You say Chadwick's behavior is obviously deranged and that those who point out that it isn't have an irrational hatred of YOU! That, sir, is paranoia and projection. Put up your actions against his and any sane person will see you as the aggressor and the one who is truly guilty of deranged behavior. Chadwick's actions come nowhere near yours.

It's nobody fault but your own that you are not a successful in your literary endeavors. Because Chadwick has found a small measure of success has not bearing on why you're a failure. Your failure is on you and his successes are on him. Have you ever considered that maybe you're just a bad writer? Maybe you're not as great as you've convinced yourself you are. Have you ever considered that maybe being published might never happen, and that maybe you don't really need to be published to be happy and have self-worth? You ought to maybe consider these possibilities.

And Fiona owes you absolutely nothing for her newfound happiness. Her happiness happened in SPITE of your deranged behavior, not because of it. It is clear that these two people never stopped loving each other, and when the chance you reunite presented itself, it was they who chose to get back together. Your involvement is incidental.

You will most likely ad-hom me in your response, accuse me of ignoring glaring facts, and that I am one of Chadwick's flying monkeys sent here to engage you in his stead. I'm just calling all this like I see it, and you'll dismiss this analysis because it doesn't meet your deranged view of how the world actually works. I feel sorry for you because you will never be happy, because you have convinced yourself that others are holding you back and are the real reasons behind your failures. Nobody is holding you back but you, and this bizarre obsession with David Chadwick is but a symptom of your inherent self-defeating mindset.

At May 20, 2016 at 11:02 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

See what I have to put up with, guys?

Listen up, sport,and I'll type real slowly so your reptilian brain can follow-

If you go to someone's blog 600-700 times day, that's not a legitimate readership. That's stalking and trolling. When the same person goes to your blog hundreds of times a day every day for months on end, that's trolling and stalking.

When someone keeps putting up the same fake one star review of a book they neither bought nor read no matter how many times Amazon takes it down, that is trolling and stalking.

When they then go to your Goodreads page and puts up fake one star ratings of books that, again, they neither bought nor read, that is trolling and stalking.

And when I shut this blog down and go blog elsewhere then someone follows me there because they are absolutely obsessed with every single thing I write, then that is trolling stalking. Obviously, you're too brain dead to see the difference.

I know that, whoever you are, your "defense" of Chadwick is motivated and driven only by a pure pathological hatred, if not obsession, with me. But others who personally know these miscreants have commented here and have confirmed every single thing I said. They offered to funnel me information because they loathe the Chadwicks for the same reasons I and so many others do.

And when you troll, stalk, harass and try to ruin someone's book sales for no other reason than pure spite, then you cannot reasonably expect there not to be some push back if not comeuppance.

And yeah, Fiona and Joe owe me all their happiness. I don't write that letter, Joe continues jerking off to Becky Lynch photos in his reeking trailer. Believe me, I wish I could say otherwise, as I do not like the idea of providing with them so much happiness. But that is a fact and all the head-shaking does not change history and the laws of cause and effect.

So, whoever the fuck you are, "Anonymous", you cowardly cunt, do us a favor and slink back into the shadows where you belong. You are in the minority here and you know nothing about me and how DARE you presume to know my mental and emotional states as well as foretell my future? Yeah, my life could be better but I'm not nearly as miserable as you persist in believing I am. I'm very happy with the woman I have, someone who at least isn't a right wing nut job like Fiona. But the way I look at it, it was very good that I brought them together because at least this way, they're eventually only going to make two people miserable instead of four.


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

All Time Classics

  • Our Worse Half: The 25 Most Embarrassing States.
  • The Missing Security Tapes From the World Trade Center.
  • It's a Blunderful Life.
  • The Civil War II
  • Sweet Jesus, I Hate America
  • Top Ten Conservative Books
  • I Am Mr. Ed
  • Glenn Beck: Racist, Hate Monger, Comedian
  • The Ten Worst Music Videos of all Time
  • Assclowns of the Week

  • Links to the first 33 Assclowns of the Week.
  • Links to Assclowns of the Week 38-63.
  • #104: Make Racism Great Again Also Labor Day edition
  • #103: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Toilet edition
  • #102: Orange is the New Fat edition
  • #101: Electoral College Dropouts edition
  • #100: Centennial of Silliness edition
  • #99: Dr. Strangehate edition
  • #98: Get Bentghazi edition
  • #97: SNAPping Your Fingers at the Poor edition
  • #96: Treat or Treat, Kiss My Ass edition
  • #95: Monumental Stupidity double-sized edition
  • #94: House of 'Tards edition
  • #93: You Da Bomb! edition.
  • #92: Akin to a Fool edition.
  • #91: Aurora Moronealis edition.
  • #90: Keep Your Gubmint Hands Off My High Pre'mums and Deductibles! edition.
  • #89: Occupy the Catbird Seat/Thanksgiving edition.
  • #88: Heil Hitler edition.
  • #87: Let Sleeping Elephants Lie edition.
  • #86: the Maniacs edition.
  • #85: The Top 50 Assclowns of 2010 edition.
  • #(19)84: Midterm Madness edition.
  • #83: Spill, Baby, Spill! edition.
  • #82: Leave Corporations Alone, They’re People! edition.
  • #81: Hatin' on Haiti edition.
  • #80: Don't Get Your Panties in a Twist edition.
  • #79: Top 50 Assclowns of 2009 edition.
  • #78: Nattering Nabobs of Negativism edition.
  • #77: ...And Justice For Once edition.
  • #76: Reading Tea Leaves/Labor Day edition.
  • #75: Diamond Jubilee/Inaugural Edition
  • #74: Dropping the Crystal Ball Edition
  • #73: The Twelve Assclowns of Christmas Edition
  • #72: Trick or Treat Election Day Edition
  • #71: Grand Theft Autocrats Edition
  • #70: Soulless Corporations and the Politicians Who Love Them Edition
  • Paul Ryan's Top Ten Conditions on Running for the Speakership
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Mitt Romney Won't Run for President in 2016
  • Top 10 Results of the NYPD's Work Slowdown
  • Top 10 Secret Service Security Breaches
  • Top 10 LA Radio Shows That Are Rated Higher Than Rush Limbaugh's
  • Top 10 Reasons Operation American Spring Went Flat
  • Top Ten Facts of the MH370 Air Disaster
  • Top 10 Tips for GOP Congressmen Running Against Women
  • Top 10 Signs Walmart's Mistreating its Workers
  • Top 10 Diversions John McCain Found During Syria Hearing
  • Top 10 George Zimmerman Excuses for Speeding.
  • Top 10 Reasons Paula Deen Got Fired by the Food Network
  • Top Ten Ways Pope Francis is Deviating From Convention
  • Top 10 Reasons For the Pope's Resignation
  • Top 10 Emails Hacked From the Bush Family's Email Accounts
  • Top 10 Lies Told by Mitt Romney at the 2nd Debate.
  • Top 10 Examples of How Hard the Campaign Trail is on Ann D. Romney.
  • Top 10 Ways to Tell The Boston Red Sox Are Finished.
  • Top 10 Things Mitt May be Hiding in His Tax Returns.
  • Top 10 Events at the Romney Olympics.
  • Mitt Romney's Top 10 Wild & Crazy Moments.
  • Top Ten Reasons Why Dick Cheney Got a Heart Transplant.
  • Top 10 Facts About Tonight's New England/Denver Game.
  • My Top 10 Resolutions.
  • Top 10 Rejected Slogans of the Romney Campaign.
  • Top 10 Reasons Herman Cain Suspended His Campaign.
  • Top 10 Trending Topics on Twitter During #OWS Eviction.
  • Top 10 Herman Cain Pickup Lines.
  • Top 10 Changes Since Anthony Weiner Decided to Resign.
  • Top 10 Inaccuracies re bin Laden's Death.
  • Top 10 Ways to Prevent a TSA Patdown.
  • Top Ten Things Not to Say When You're Pulled Over.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Bowed Out of the Presidential Race.
  • Top 10 Ways Evangelicals Will Prepare for the Rapture II.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Today's Parliament Inquiry into News Corp.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why There Was No Vote on the Debt Ceiling Last Night.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Dick Cheney's Upcoming Memoir.
  • Top Ten Ways Americans Will Observe the 10th Anniversary of 9/11.
  • Top Ten Advances in Women's Rights in Saudi Arabia.
  • Top Ten Inaccuracies in Bill O'Reilly's Book About Lincoln.
  • Top Ten Suggestions From the Cat Food Commission.
  • Top Ten Worst Moments in George W. Bush's Presidency.
  • Top Ten Facts in George W. Bush's Memoir.
  • Top Ten Reasons Terry Jones Postponed His Koran Burning
  • Top 10 Causes for Dick Cheney's Congestive Heart Failure
  • Top Ten Ways That Jan Brewer Will Celebrate Cinco de Mayo
  • Top Ten Demands in Sarah Palin's Contract
  • Top Ten Whoppers in Karl Rove's New Book
  • Top 10 Items Left Behind in Rush Limbaugh's Apartment
  • Top Ten Things Barack Obama said to Rush Limbaugh in the Hospital
  • Top Ten Bizarre Promos Offered by the New Jersey Nets
  • Top 10 Bush Executive Orders Labor Wants President Obama to Repeal
  • George W. Bush's Top Ten Lesser Achievements
  • Empire Of The Senseless.
  • Conservative Values for an Unsaved World.
  • Esquire's Charles Pierce.
  • Brilliant @ Breakfast.
  • The Burning Platform.
  • The Rant.
  • Mock, Paper, Scissors.
  • James Petras.
  • Towle Road.
  • Avedon's Sideshow (the new site).
  • At Largely, Larisa Alexandrovna's place.
  • The Daily Howler.
  • The DCist.
  • Greg Palast.
  • Jon Swift. RIP, Al.
  • God is For Suckers.
  • Hullabaloo, Digby's place.
  • The Rude Pundit.
  • Driftglass.
  • Newshounds.
  • William Grigg, a great find.
  • Brad Blog.
  • Down With Tyranny!, Howie Klein's blog.
  • Wayne's World. Party time! Excellent!
  • Busted Knuckles, aka Ornery Bastard.
  • Mills River Progressive.
  • Right Wing Watch.
  • Earthbond Misfit.
  • Anosognosia.
  • Echidne of the Snakes.
  • They Gave Us a Republic.
  • The Gawker.
  • Outtake Online, Emmy-winner Charlotte Robinson's site.
  • The artist formerly known as Politits. The politics are still liberal.
  • Skippy, the Bush Kangaroo
  • No More Mr. Nice Blog.
  • Head On Radio Network, Bob Kincaid.
  • Spocko's Brain.
  • Pandagon.
  • Slackivist.
  • WTF Is It Now?
  • No Blood For Hubris.
  • Lydia Cornell, a very smart and accomplished lady.
  • Roger Ailes (the good one.)
  • BlondeSense.
  • The Smirking Chimp.
  • Hammer of the Blogs.
  • Vast Left Wing Conspiracy.
  • Argville.
  • Existentialist Cowboy.
  • The Progressive.
  • The Nation.
  • Mother Jones.
  • Vanity Fair.
  • Citizens For Legitimate Government.
  • News Finder.
  • Indy Media Center.
  • Lexis News.
  • Military Religious Freedom.
  • McClatchy Newspapers.
  • The New Yorker.
  • Bloggingheads TV, political vlogging.
  • Find, the next-best thing to Nexis.
  • Altweeklies, for the news you won't get just anywhere.
  • The Smirking Chimp
  • Don Emmerich's Peace Blog
  • Wikileaks.
  • The Peoples' Voice.
  • CIA World Fact Book.
  • IP address locator.
  • Tom Tomorrow's hilarious strip.
  • Babelfish, an instant, online translator. I love to translate Ann Coulter's site into German.
  • Newsmeat: Find out who's donating to whom.
  • Wikipedia.
  • Uncyclopedia.
  • Icasualties
  • Free Press
  • YouTube
  • The Bone Bridge.
  • Powered by Blogger