Monday, May 16, 2016

Cartoons for Terrorists

     I've been called a lot of things in my life but Saint Valentine was never one of them.
     A few weeks ago, my source on Twitter gave me the email address for a girl named Fiona in Idaho (aka "The Other Maine"). She was the one who'd broken off her engagement with Joe "Dave" Chadwick, the brain-damaged Iraq War vet whose insanity and bizarre behavior was so pronounced even from 6000 miles away, she'd decided to break off the engagement.
     Assuming, wrongly as it turned out, this girl could be reasoned with, I sent her an email, summarizing what her ex had been putting me through since June of last year and asking for some context behind their breakup. Before you crinkle your eyebrows and ask me why in the world I would want to do such a thing, let me explain that we writers (and political bloggers, if we're worth our weight in Cheetos) will go to extraordinary lengths in the name of research. Remember, I'm writing a thriller in the near future featuring the Chadwick twins. No, I wasn't kidding about that.
     I was pretty low key, wasn't writing in all caps and doing the cybernetic equivalent of screaming. I had merely synopsized what her old flame had been putting my fiancee and me through and asked for context regarding their breakup. Remember, at this juncture, I thought I was writing to someone who was actually sane.
     Boy, was I wrong.
     It turns out this right wing nut bag named Fiona once worked as a volunteer for Ted "BusTED" Cruz and Mitt Romney. A couple of weeks went by and, as I expected, she never wrote back to me and there I let the matter drop.
     Then I got a series of DMs from my friend in Utah who said Fiona's head exploded when she read my email and called up "Dave" Chadwick for the first time in 12 years. Before anyone knew what had happened, she went to Weber County, Utah, they got re-engaged and now Chapped Dick's moving his semen-stained Goodwill furniture into a storage unit in Farr West along with his twin "Danny" (who's moving to Los Angeles this Wednesday, obviously to continue ducking his child support obligations to his daughter).

     Yeah, this is what Fiona thought would be a good bet with whom to spend the rest of her life. They'll make the kind of couple you just know you'll be seeing in a few months on the 5 o'clock news or reading about on Raw Story in the "Husband Shoots Wife Then Turns Gun on Himself" files. This is an overexposed photo I harvested from Chapped Dick's old blog, looking very much like the mouthless creations he'd essentially stolen from the Danish Lego corporation or an extra from some hillbilly version of a video of ZZ Top's "Sharp Dressed Man".
     And that leads me to the title of this post, the last one I will ever write about Joseph David Chadwick, the poor man's Mike Nelson.
     Among the bombshell revelations made to me of late by my Man in Utah was the incredible news that Chadwick actually got himself a literary agent and a publishing deal that's reportedly worth about six figures. I have no idea who this Israeli literary agent Ariel Levin is as she has no internet presence nor can I find any reference online to this Israeli publisher who put him in touch with this agent.
     In all fairness to Chadwick, the publishing business is gradually getting to the point in which only insiders can realistically hope for a publishing contract. The only other way to cut in line, it seems, is to have your work referred by someone who has an "in" and this is exactly how Chadwick slimed his way through the back door. Apparently, Israel also uses in-house agents and, seeing something in his mouthless creations worth cultivating, they wanted to kick back 15% to their buddy literary agent.
     Not only that, but this contract necessarily involves a relocation to Tel Aviv because they're offering him a staff job. Gee, I wonder how long it took for Chadwick to throw Granny from the train once he got wind of this deal from this Levin character? My guess: About a nanosecond, if that. Now poor Granny won't have anyone to do her lawn since Danny Boy will also be heading for greener pastures so he can better dodge his child support obligations.

     Yes, the scum of the earth is suddenly living a life of all aces and he partially has me to thank.
     Because if I hadn't written that email to his ex Fiona weeks ago, she never would've called him and he would've gone off to Israel alone so he could draw cartoons for a terrorist rogue nation that apparently is suffering a dearth of bad, derivative cartoons. So where's my thanks?
     There will be none forthcoming. Even though Chapped Dick cleaned his trailer, got rid of the body odor and even threw away all the pictures lining his laptop monitor of WWE wrestler Becky Lynch (Boy, that must've hurt because let's just say Pal Joey didn't need tape or glue to get them to stick to the edge of his monitor). He's got an agent, he's got a publisher and he's engaged to a fellow right wing, Palestine-hating moron. And they're now on their way to Israel, after a stopover in Idaho, which, for evolutionary dropouts like Joe and Fiona, is like floating up to the mother ship.
     Now, ordinarily, I wouldn't begrudge another their success. While I can't say I'm overjoyed to see others getting a literary agent before me, it's not as if writers are actually in competition with each other. True, we're all going for a thimbleful or two of the rapidly shrinking advance pool that seems to fill the in-ground pools of right wing morons and hacks who largely don't write their own books. But we're not really in competition with each other.
     But when a stinking (literally, stinking, from what others say about him), right wing stalker, jailbird and cultural hack like Chadwick gets an agent and a contract while I'm still getting boilerplate from flunkies... Well, that's proof positive that God is dead and rotting in heaven. And this is the forensic proof.
     And apparently the future Mrs. Chadwick is still spitting nails at me, much moreso than Chadwick himself. Apparently, she resents the fact that I told the truth about her man and that the truth is embarrassing in the extreme.
     Plus, one has to wonder about the suspicious timing of Fiona's voluntary reinsertion into the semen-flecked world of Joe Chadwick at pretty much the exact moment he had a six figure contract waved under his nose by some Israeli publisher. Do the words Gravy and Train ring a bell? How about Gold and Digger?
     So, this is just to let Pal Joey know he's still in my thoughts and that sometime in the near future, he'll be further immortalized along with his semi-vestigial twin John when I finish my thriller starring the Brothers Chadwick. I don't expect the stalking to cease and if I start getting a shitload of hits from Israel, I'll know exactly where they're coming from and I'll let his employers know what he's doing when he should be churning out inferior cartoons for them on the company dime.
     So, the least deserving person I know is now blessed with love and is living a (literally) cleaner life thanks to the efforts of yours truly. He and Fiona deserve each other and they can continue spitting venom at Palestine across the west bank after they trade one worthless, arid desert for another. Maybe in lieu of a mirror, they can fornicate under a huge poster of the baleful, well-fed face of Bibi Netanyahu on the ceiling. Let your imagination run wild.
     Still, a little appreciation would've been nice.


At May 17, 2016 at 4:11 AM, Anonymous CC said...

Can you say "Stockholm" and "syndrome"?

At least grandma will have $2,000 more each month to hire a better caretaker.

At May 17, 2016 at 12:11 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Sorry, Becky Lynch, this one is off the shelf.

At May 17, 2016 at 12:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm still trying to figure out what this guy has done to "stalk" you. From the looks of this post, it is you who is the cyber-bully. Your obsession with this Chadwick character has taken over your mind and blinded you to the fact that the very thing you have accused him of, you are now guilty of far far worse.

Ask yourself "What harm has Dave Chadwick actually done to me?" From all the posts I've read about him -- not much. Reading your blog? Not stalking? Leaving reviews for your books? Not stalking. But what you've described above is worlds beyond anything you've accused him of.

You're a hateful, creepy, obsessive, small minded man who is lashing out against the world. Chadwick just happened to be in your sights. You've tried to take him down and you couldn't. You're lucky he doesn't call the cops on you.

At May 17, 2016 at 12:44 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Obviously, you lack basic reading comprehension skills or are willfully blind to the truth because you, too, have harbored this irrational hatred of me. Either way, it's a waste of electricity to move my fingers responding to you and I put up your stupid-ass comment solely to provide context.

But when a guy clicks on my blog's various links over 200 times a day, then gives one star ratings to that person's books on Goodreads that he's neither bought nor read and writes fake one star reviews of the same books on Amazon, then that's creepy, stalking, bizarre behavior. Just because you willfully have a blind spot to that doesn't mean it isn't true. If I was a stalker, I'd call or text Chadwick even as he's way to Idaho Falls to marry that right wing nut job Fiona but I won't. As it is, the last week of Chapped Dick's life is like an extended Benny Hill sketch speeded up triple time.

And I'm content to just sit back and watch it from a distance.

In the meantime, I have three letters that'll change your life. You ready? You listening?

RIF. Reading is Fundamental.

Now fuck off and stop embarrassing yourself, douchebag.

At May 17, 2016 at 4:05 PM, Anonymous D. Mann said...

How long have you been reading this blog? JP has outlined multiple times that these two man-children have gone out of their way to make his life miserable. And he's absolutely right about them. You know how I know? Because I know them. Personally. You can't do what they've done and expect there to be no consequences. JP is totally within his rights to post whatever he wants about them - plus they deserve it. I should know.

I assume you know them too, Anon, otherwise you wouldn't be defending the obviously indefensible. Did they let you take over their lawn duties up at grandma's house for 2 grand a month?

If not, you might want to hop on that action, since you probably don't have a real job. And no, blowing the brothers Chadwick for $50 a pop ($75 if you blow them both a the same time) doesn't count as legitimate employment.

Get bent, anon, I for one couldn't be happier they're gone. The city suddenly smells better and I know why.

At May 17, 2016 at 9:50 PM, Anonymous The Mole said...

I am the provider of all this information, at it is all absolutely true and correct! I don't know what to say beyond that. Anybody who would condone this behavior is just as bad as the newly formed mr and Mrs Chadwick.

At May 20, 2016 at 12:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, let me get this straight.

The guy reviewed your books and reads your blog, which you consider stalking. You, on the other hand, have, by your own admission, have somebody spying on him for you, you're writing a book about him and his brother as sort of immature, petty revenge, you contacted his ex-fiance to get dirt on him, and you write endlessly about him. You are aware of all his movements and proudly declare them. You post VERY questionable information regarding his private life, something he has never done to you. It is you who is attempting to involve law enforcement for activities that are in now way illegal. It is you who is publicly attacking him and his new wife with absolutely no provocation.

It is clear who is obsessed with who, and it's you who are obsessed with him. His questionable behavior is dwarfed by yours. In fact, there is no questionable or illegal behavior on his part. Your actions, however, are quite actionable should he ever decide to press charges against you in civil court. The activities described constitute libel, conspiracy and harassment. At the very least, this is doxing and cyberbullying. Chadwick has never once harmed you. Your intentions, on the other hand, are petty, malicious and wholly unnecessary.

You, Robert Crawford, are an unhinged, rage and hate filled, bigoted lunatic. You say Chadwick's behavior is obviously deranged and that those who point out that it isn't have an irrational hatred of YOU! That, sir, is paranoia and projection. Put up your actions against his and any sane person will see you as the aggressor and the one who is truly guilty of deranged behavior. Chadwick's actions come nowhere near yours.

It's nobody fault but your own that you are not a successful in your literary endeavors. Because Chadwick has found a small measure of success has not bearing on why you're a failure. Your failure is on you and his successes are on him. Have you ever considered that maybe you're just a bad writer? Maybe you're not as great as you've convinced yourself you are. Have you ever considered that maybe being published might never happen, and that maybe you don't really need to be published to be happy and have self-worth? You ought to maybe consider these possibilities.

And Fiona owes you absolutely nothing for her newfound happiness. Her happiness happened in SPITE of your deranged behavior, not because of it. It is clear that these two people never stopped loving each other, and when the chance you reunite presented itself, it was they who chose to get back together. Your involvement is incidental.

You will most likely ad-hom me in your response, accuse me of ignoring glaring facts, and that I am one of Chadwick's flying monkeys sent here to engage you in his stead. I'm just calling all this like I see it, and you'll dismiss this analysis because it doesn't meet your deranged view of how the world actually works. I feel sorry for you because you will never be happy, because you have convinced yourself that others are holding you back and are the real reasons behind your failures. Nobody is holding you back but you, and this bizarre obsession with David Chadwick is but a symptom of your inherent self-defeating mindset.

At May 20, 2016 at 11:02 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

See what I have to put up with, guys?

Listen up, sport,and I'll type real slowly so your reptilian brain can follow-

If you go to someone's blog 600-700 times day, that's not a legitimate readership. That's stalking and trolling. When the same person goes to your blog hundreds of times a day every day for months on end, that's trolling and stalking.

When someone keeps putting up the same fake one star review of a book they neither bought nor read no matter how many times Amazon takes it down, that is trolling and stalking.

When they then go to your Goodreads page and puts up fake one star ratings of books that, again, they neither bought nor read, that is trolling and stalking.

And when I shut this blog down and go blog elsewhere then someone follows me there because they are absolutely obsessed with every single thing I write, then that is trolling stalking. Obviously, you're too brain dead to see the difference.

I know that, whoever you are, your "defense" of Chadwick is motivated and driven only by a pure pathological hatred, if not obsession, with me. But others who personally know these miscreants have commented here and have confirmed every single thing I said. They offered to funnel me information because they loathe the Chadwicks for the same reasons I and so many others do.

And when you troll, stalk, harass and try to ruin someone's book sales for no other reason than pure spite, then you cannot reasonably expect there not to be some push back if not comeuppance.

And yeah, Fiona and Joe owe me all their happiness. I don't write that letter, Joe continues jerking off to Becky Lynch photos in his reeking trailer. Believe me, I wish I could say otherwise, as I do not like the idea of providing with them so much happiness. But that is a fact and all the head-shaking does not change history and the laws of cause and effect.

So, whoever the fuck you are, "Anonymous", you cowardly cunt, do us a favor and slink back into the shadows where you belong. You are in the minority here and you know nothing about me and how DARE you presume to know my mental and emotional states as well as foretell my future? Yeah, my life could be better but I'm not nearly as miserable as you persist in believing I am. I'm very happy with the woman I have, someone who at least isn't a right wing nut job like Fiona. But the way I look at it, it was very good that I brought them together because at least this way, they're eventually only going to make two people miserable instead of four.

At May 28, 2017 at 10:23 PM, Anonymous Shaun said...

You don't know me, but every thing about this blog post is predicated on the assumption of a single element that has absolutely no basis in reality and that is the idea that Mr. Chadwick and Fiona are man and wife.

They are not married.

Let me repeat that. They are not married.

How can I know this? Because Fiona has been married to me for the last 12 years. Even though I have not seen her since she ran off with Chadwick, we are still, in fact, still married. Fiona is my wife, not Mr. Chadwick's.

Long story short, our marriage had entered a rough patch because I no longer wished to associate myself with the Mormon church and my political views were no longer aligned. About a year prior to this, she had thrown me out of our home and since the lease was in her name, I was legally prohibited from returning. But I firmly believed that we could get past our differences because we loved each other and did not want our marriage to end.

Things were getting better. We were speaking again, we had started the reconciliation process, and everything was looking bright. I was fully convinced that we were on our way to completely repairing our life together. Then, one day, everything stops. She would not answer and return my phone calls, text messages or emails. She just disappeared and not one of her friends or family members would even acknowledge my attempts to communicate with her or them, I was left completely in the cold for months.

Then in March, 10 months after her disappearance, I get served with divorce papers out of the blue from her family's attorney. I have refused to sign them until I was told exactly what had happened to her. When I found out she had moved to Israel with her ex-boyfriend, I hit the roof. I refuse to sign the papers until she calls me herself and explains everything. I deserve that at least. I have learned more from this blog post about what happened than anything anybody has told (or more accurately refused to tell) me in the past year!

Fiona is my wife, not Chadwick's, and I'll be damned if I am going to give her up to him without a fight. I don't know if I'll win or lose, but I will not accept this notion that my wife is married to another man when in fact she is not.

At May 28, 2017 at 11:35 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

March 10th this year or last year? Your answer is very important. I've largely moved on from the situation I'd described here just over a year ago. At first glance, it would appear as if Chadwick has too, especially after it became known he was directly responsible for a young man's death in New Mexico late last year and that I made it known to him I knew he is responsible and that I WILL ensure he pays for it in one way or another. However, like a herpes sore, he comes back every few months when even his Israeli fan base doesn't sufficiently stroke his ego. Hopefully he'll see this when he resumes stalkng me through my archives. If you want to continue this dialogue further, write a comment with your email address then I'll delete it and protect your privacy (I employ comment management). Then, once I'm convinced you're for real, we'll talk some more.

At May 29, 2017 at 12:10 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Please forgive me if I insulted you, Shaun. It's just that people misrepresent themselves online, as I'm sure you know. And Chadwick would stoop to anything (and has) to get a rise out of me. Please don't take my caution personally. I'll email you at length tomorrow. If you're in Idaho, then you'll know you're in a different time zone. I live in the east, so it's late here. We'll talk later.

At June 6, 2017 at 2:27 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Shaun is so much better off without you. Without intending to, you actually did him a favor.

At August 24, 2017 at 1:21 PM, Anonymous EWH said...

Such a typical Chadwick story. It doesn't surprise me in the least that this happened the way it did. The fact that he's making six figures now is kind of mind blowing, I'd like to know more about that. But that he basically stole a guy's wife and ran off to Israel, typical Chadwick. He was exactly this way in the Army, an opportunistic, overambitious little weasel, willing to do anything to get what he wanted without regard for anybody he doesn't consider his friend. He hasn't changed a bit.


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