Orange is the New Antiblack

(By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)

Poor, poor Republicans. When their presidential field still looked like a party at the 19th hole at Augusta with an embittered hostess and a black waiter, they had a choice between someone who could make them richer and someone who could make them even richer. The latter, of course, is Donald Trump. And now that he has the field all to himself, Republicans are clutching their pearls and whatever passes for their testicles. And I do not feel sorry for them one Goddamned bit.

      The Republican field was very diverse this year. You had a woman who laid off 30,000 people, you had the token black, hell, you even had two Cubans at the same time! You had your pick of the litter. You had Catholics, you had Baptists, you even had a guy with bad hair who prays to the Aqua Buddha! But, oh, no. Even with all that Republican diversity, you still couldn't get behind one guy who didn't powder his perpetually inflated neck wattles orange.

     So, Trump's got the Big Red Tent all to himself and now you're whining about your lack of a choice and how he scares you like Ted Cruz scares his five year-old daughter Caroline. He brings out the racists like a fumigation brings out the roaches and termites and you fear that he will damage the Republican brand like Fat Man or Little Boy damaged Hiroshima and Nagasaki. With no one else in the field, a brokered convention is a pipe dream.

     But really, if Trump has even a passing resemblance to the brand, he will make you rich one way or the other. And chances are he'll make you richer the old fashioned Republican way: Tax avoidance. After all, how do you think Trump became a billionaire? Well, it certainly helped when Mayors Rudy and Bloomberg gave Trump one break after another totaling $200,000,000 in unpaid taxes so he could continue erecting phallic-shaped structures with his name all over the place.

    And he can and will do the same for you even though he doesn't owe you or any bank or corporation or lobbyist or special interest group or 527 or Super PAC a Goddamned thing. That's the great thing about having a billionaire for President- He can buy his way into the White House without worrying about the note being called in.

     Trump will make you richer through tax avoidance just because he's a prick. You're welcome.

     Don't worry. The Donald has your back. Don't think for a minute his plans for your portfolios and tax returns will ever include the screaming goobers who watch NASCAR and the WWE. Trump's entire campaign hasn't just been the rebirth of the Southern Strategy but the creation of the Northern, Midwestern and Western Strategies. And we all remember how well the Southern Strategy worked for those mouth breathers since Nixon, right? Wink, wink.

     Yes, you'll get richer and your local country clubs will suddenly get whiter than John McCain's fat, pasty ass. And while it's true more Mexicans are leaving the United States than entering, President Trump will make sure that trend continues. Then he'll build a wall stretching from California to Texas to make sure they stay in and make the beaners pay for it.

     So, what are you complaining about? He's even got a smoking hot trophy wife and it would be the first time in American history we'll know what the First Lady's tits will look like. His son Donald Trump, Jr. will be balefully skulking the halls of the Executive Mansion ensuring loyalty to his father. And look how well that turned out the last time that happened.

     So, yeah. You got Trump and Romney or Sarah Palin or a flour sack with Ronald Reagan's face scrawled on it isn't riding over the horizon at the 11th hour to save the day. You wanted more tax breaks, you wanted a whiter America while having a browner servant class small enough to be controlled, you wanted Mexicans and Muslims banned from entering our pristine shores, well you got it.

     What's the problem? It's not your kids that'll be going to fight the wars he'll start. Wars are for poors.