Kava-naw?! Kava-YES!

(By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)

Thank God we didn't let the women win this one!" I said to my secretary as I flaunted my Harvey Weinstein tie in the face of a homeless woman, "With this Goddamned #Metoo movement, next thing you know pink pussy-capped women will expect the right to vote!"

     Brett Kavanaugh had just been painfully extruded out of the Judiciary Committee like a dry turd and I was in a mood to celebrate. After stuffing a few IOU's in the garter of a pissed off stripper on 42nd Street, I began to think of the bigger picture of what a Justice Kavanaugh would bring to the Supreme Court.

     For starters, he'd bring an unabashed manliness and masculinity to the Supreme Court that's been sorely lacking in government until my buddy Donald got elected President by a full 25% of the nation. And, sad to say, that masculinity that woman libbers like to smear as "toxic" is mostly missing in my own family. But I'll get to my kid brother Cecil in a minute.

     Brett Kavanaugh is a real man, like men were back in a bygone age when men were men and women were honored to copulate with them whether or not they consented. And not only is Judge Kavanaugh unashamed to be a man, he also is a humble one. I admit, I almost choked on a bite of chocolate brioche when I heard him say, despite all anecdotal evidence to the contrary, that he remained a virgin even when he finished law school.

     Even if that were true, it certainly wasn't from lack of trying. His problem was in trying to get his cherry popped when he was well on his illustrious goal of drinking 100 kegs of beer. The 15 year-old Christine Blasey Ford could've been more accommodating when the future judge was, with his wing man Mark Judge's helpful assistance, trying to introduce her to her womanhood.

     Imagine how easily a real man like Brett Kavanaugh would put the three women on the High Court in their place (Well, I'd recommend a thorough regimen at the gym before taking on that Ginsburg character). Roe vs Wade would fall like a house of cards in the wind once Kavanaugh weighs in on it. Who needs that liberal ideology when interpreting federal law? Stare decisis? What the fuck is that? Kavanaugh probably hasn't read Latin since he last pounded down a rack of Dos Equis.

     Anyway, since the suffragettes and Temperance Society biddies began booming their bass drums down 5th Avenue in the 19th century, American masculinity has been slowly, almost imperceptibly eroded down to a nub. Now you see Nancy boys screaming themselves hoarse during their damned Pride parades (while my kid brother Cecil, still under house arrest, looks down on them from his penthouse apartment with tears in his eyes).

     And Cecil knows our family history as well as any of us Blubberpusses. He knew he had a family tradition of manliness to live up to and that he wasn't quite up to the task. There was our own father Ambrose Blubberpuss, who wasn't just a corporate titan on Wall Street but even rose to become a one quarter term US Congressman during the Great Depression.

     Yes, sadly, Daddy only got to serve six months in his first term when some uppity secretaries and pages took umbrage at him massaging himself in front of them. To show how emasculated we'd become even back then, every Republican Congressman and Senator, men from his own party! voted to impeach him.

     And, as confused as I am as to why, it seems that after me, the most masculine presence in our 5th Avenue townhouse is my daughter Bertha.

     I really do wish she'd grow out of that tomboy phase, get a wax job on her upper lip and stop wearing clothes like wife beaters and cargo pants. As it is, she now spends her time pumping iron to Ruth Bader Ginsburg's workout video and sweating and breathing a little more heavily than should be allowed. On the plus side, it's a good thing that she's now suddenly taken an interest in the law and even mentions her life-long dream of spending a weekend with Elena Kagan in a remote cabin upstate, no doubt to pick her brain about the finer points of tort reform.

     However, this is about Brett Kavanaugh, a man whose masculinity is so communicable even that Nancy boy Lindsey Graham found his set for about 30 seconds and screamed about the liberal Democrats doing to Brett what his own party did to Merrick Garland and then some a couple of years ago. Soon this spread to Chairman Chuck Grassley and Orrin Hatch, even though they're older than Pompeii. Soon every male on the Judiciary was in an alpha male uproar over Brett Kavanaugh, one of their own, getting token resistance from Democrats.

     Hell, Kavanaugh's got testosterone and God only knows what other hormones squirting out of every orifice in his body. In fact, if I was an underaged girl naive about male motivations during keggers, I'd probably let him drunkenly paw at my clothes like a motor-challenged bear.

     The court's been full of effete intellectuals for too long. It's time we take a blunt force trauma approach to the law, especially when liberal precedents like Roe v Wade are up for grabs. And with a little luck, maybe we can bring back the Fugitive Slave Act of 1850 and have some more Dred Scott decisions.

     Because what good is it being on the highest court in the land when one has to painstakingly explicate and quantify one's every single judicial ruling when a dull, blunt, impenetrable mind fueled by blind rage is called for?