Keep Your Enemies Close And Your Allies... at Arm's Length If They Eat Falafel

(By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)

Incoming! I yelled at an Iranian falafel vendor as I huffed and puffed down 42nd Street before I had to pay him for the falafel sticks I just got. I choose to look at that as not refusing to pay my fair share but as parody because that's what liberal fatheads are screaming because Trump took out one of our former allies. "World War Three is coming!", they scream while figuratively setting their long hair on fire.

     Well, let me tell you all what fractures my falafel stick: Liberal alarmism! The climate crisis, Australia's on fire, the Amazon's on fire, we're next! Boo hoo. So a few aborigines had to move their dances and chants a few feet to the left. Is it our fault koalas are so fucking slow they can't escape the flames? If I can run away from a falafel vendor, any creature on earth should be able to get a move on when they're about to get roasted!

       So now the liberals and Democrats are boasting about the fact the ungrateful Iraqi parliament that we gave them, thankyouverymuch. voted to kick out our humanitarian troops, oil companies and pseudo-military mercenaries who lovingly spent 17 years of their lives protecting their oil and gas fields from themselves and their corruption. So we tied up traffic a little bit at Nisour Sq. 13 years ago. Boo hoo! Ever see 5th Avenue during that Goddamned gay pride parade that my brother Cecil likes so much?

       Notice the Iranian parliament didn't kick us out. Oh, you may say that's only because we don't have troops in Iran but that'll change in a damned big hurry then wait and see what they do! Before you know it, those rag-headed rug munchers will be begging us to stay just like the Iraqis did.

        Instead, look what those ingrates did- They took over our football field-length embassy that we generously put in their back yard, you know, the heavily-fortified one that had anti aircraft machine gun turrets on the roof and made our own people cower in little rooms until help arrived.

     Hell, if my baby brother Cecil was there in that panic room, he would've made a helluva time of it. He would've gotten the others to make fun little forts out of the couch cushions and made 'smores by the light of the fires the Iraqis set all over the place. That would've showed them! Of course, Cecil hasn't been the same since he once ate an entire bottle of Elmer's glue-all in 1972 because it reminded him of semen and he was curious if it tasted the same.

    

     Hell, send my baby girl, Bertha, to Baghdad and she'll show those sand niggers what for! When she was in college, she was on the varsity football team and sent four offensive linemen to the hospital in one game! And, truth to tell, the poor girl needs an outlet for her rage over getting jilted by Melania when she and Barron stayed with us that time and especially since AMC canceled Women Ice Road Truckers of Alaska after just one measly season.

     The point I'm making is that, like the Trumps that love to hunt caged, dangerous animals in nature preserves, we Blubberpusses never, ever shy from danger. Why, if we weren't of a certain age, Cecil and I and Bertha, too, would be at the nearest Army recruiting office ready to report for duty (especially since Bertha and Cecil found out about the same sex communal showers in boot camp and afterwards).

     And so, like my good friend President Donald Trump, we will fight them from the boardrooms, we will fight them from the sand and water traps and we will fight them from the fake boardrooms of reality television into which the president has brilliantly turned our country.

     You poor college debt-ridden young people about to valiantly die on behalf of the Republican Party that even now in its own way fights tooth and nail hill and dale against Trump's impeachment, we salute you! War is a business, by gum, and business is good. Trump may have stolen credit for the Obama economic turnaround but he's already making America's economy great in his own right! So, thank you, General Suleimani, nice doing business with you again!