Anatomy of a Spy Network

 

 (By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)

The Deep State is everywhere!", I throatily cried as I sprayed the lens of a surveillance camera outside a falafel shop on 6th Avenue with a can of black spray paint. Well, actually, I had my chauffer spray it but on my initiative and the throaty cry was indeed my own, albeit from behind my limo's heavily-tinted, rolled-up window.

     Anyway, we conservative-Americans must all do our part to combat the spy state, aka the federal government and Hillary Clinton and great patriot John Durham had launched the latest salvo in our never-ending fight for legal opacity.

 

     

    Durham, an absolute genius at Hide the Mouth, had been toiling diligently for well over a year and has born fruit in the form of a court filing that is so shockingly brilliant in its analysis that hardly anyone can even understand it. It seems to prove, without deigning to prove with evidence or any other fact-based bias, that Hillary Clinton, the Tokyo Rose of Chappaqua, spied on the Trump campaign in 2016.

     No doubt, this is why that Kremlin-linked lawyer was at Trump Tower in June that year to speak to Junior so that she could give her expert opinion on the scope and sophistication of Hillary's spy network (she was, after all, there to dish dirt on the Doyenne of Dirty Tricks). This is part of Mr. Durham's court filing:

The Government's evidence at trial will also establish that among the Internet data Tech Executive-1 and his associates exploited was domain name system ("DNS") Internet traffic pertaining to (i) a particular healthcare provider, (ii) Trump Tower, (iii) Donald Trump's Central Park West apartment building, and (iv) the Executive Office of the President of the United States ("EOP"). (Tech Executive-1's employer, Internet Company-1, had come to access and maintain dedicated servers for the EOP as part of a sensitive arrangement whereby it provided DNS resolution services to the EOP. Tech Executive-1 and his associates exploited this arrangement by mining the EOP's DNS traffic and other data for the purpose of gathering derogatory information about Donald Trump.)

     Did you understand that? Well, I sure as shit didn't and neither did my legal department, which only goes to show that Durham is plainly playing five dimensional chess in his quest to catch the 21st century's Culper Spy Ring. As such, it seems the only interested party who has read the filing is my old buddy Donald himself, as he says from the weeds of Liz Harrington's Twitter feed.

     And the reason I have followed this breaking development so assiduously is because about 30 years ago, my family, specifically, my baby brother Cecil, was victimized by Big Brother, aka Uncle Sam.

 

     Those of you who read this byline may be aware of my kid sibling's brilliant, forward-thinking enterprise, www.cecilsprays.com, the internet's first live video sex chat room. It was a beautiful site where like-minded gentlemen could indulge in shared self-love. The talent was generously housed in an abandoned sex doll factory in the final months of Czechoslovakia's existence, the talent consisting of studly young men rather energetically spirited away from youth hostels in Eastern Europe and strenuously persuaded from frittering their lives away at some college or another.

     In the seven months of its existence, Cecil Sprays was a great financial success but sex work wasn't Cecil's only interest. There was also a scholarly side to my kid brother that few know or remember today. Of course, Uncle Sam was very well aware of his burgeoning interest in young male anatomy and physiology, that culminated in a brilliant but, alas, belatedly-published tome entitled, So Young, So Round, So Firm, So Fully-Packed. (NAMBLA Press, 2013)

     The picture above was taken just one week before the G Men of the fascist state of George H.W. Bush burst into Cecil's SoHo townhouse. It seems Cecil was quite proud of his scientific research into youthful male anatomy and, on Cecil Sprays, he shared tantalizing glimpses of his unrealized medical textbook of male anatomy under 16. This highly-specialized form of pediatric study was obviously frowned upon by the prudish, anti-science goons of the Justice Department.

     Cecil is seen above in one of his final happy moments proofreading his hand-made masterpiece and his big mistake was in posting the photographs in it on his domain and the nanny state apparently took exception to that and his crude but detailed drawings of male genitalia. In fact, Cecil was hard at work proofing the final draft when the Thought Police burst in by breaking down the door just as Cecil was in mid-ejaculation. 

    The poor boy, obviously, was distraught although he still found a way to bravely put a smile on his beautiful, jiggling face as they led him away even after being told of the prison shower rapes at Rikers Island. Yes, my baby brother is nothing if not brave. We should all endeavor to be more like him.

     The point I'm making is that I have a dog in this fight and it's my kid brother Cecil, a figure in our family so sainted and beloved that our father Ambrose couldn't bear to touch him. We now know that both Obama and Clinton spied on my old friend Donald during the most important moments of his life. What's to stop Biden from doing the same thing? Or Hunter? For God's sake, his laptop! Her emails! The birth certificate!