This Valentine's Day, Let's Indulge Ourselves...

      ...in an extended metaphor, shall we?

     You have a mansion. A big, beautiful mansion that's nearly 250 years-old. The artifacts within are just as old. You'd think no one would dare touch that house with ill intent. Then, 13 months ago, someone did.

     There was a violent break-in, a clearcut case of B&E. Windows were smashed, doors broken down, security systems were ripped out, your office rifled and trashed, and, yes, some of your most cherished antiques were briefly spirited away. The people entrusted with the security of your house gave guided recon tours when you weren't home for the same assholes who would break in the next day.

     You know it doesn't take a genius to put two and two together and know right off the bat that the man who'd cravenly sent in his thugs to invade your home is the same crazy old man who swears that house is his and that you stole it from him. He'd been making these batshit pronouncements for two months. He'd publicly called for these thugs to break into your mansion and even promised he'd be right there beside them (he wasn't. An infamous germaphobe, he's an expert at keeping his hands clean).

     A year later, the same asshole is walking around your house in circles. He hasn't yet announced his intention to break into your house again but you know that moment is coming. He's loudly recruiting experts to break into your estate again, better experts. Safe crackers, second story men, crowbar artists and even an arsonist or two. Oh, yeah. It's on again. But when?

     Your alarm system, the Electoral Count Act, goes back to 1887 but it's still effective. Or so you'd think. But with this housebreaker-by-proxy, you can't be too careful so you have to start thinking about installing some redundancies. There are also laws prohibiting home invasions, robberies, breaking and entering and so forth. But the ones committing those crimes are thumbing their noses at those laws and are being rewarded with light sentences and police forbearance that strangely eludes people of a darker complexion.

     You can complain to the police but all they'll tell you is that the housebreaker-by-proxy has a perfect right to walk around your house as long as he doesn't encroach on your property even if he keeps screaming about how your house was stolen from him and is threatening in no uncertain terms to break into it again.

     So, what are your options?

     Well, if this was a real-world scenario, you'd have the aforementioned piece of shit followed by guys with baseball bats with nails pounded into them and bicycle chains until he gets the message. Or, if necessary, you'd slice the motherfucker's tendons just beneath the ankles so he can't stalk you around the neighborhood any more.

     In the real world, you also have another alarm system: It's called the 14th amendment and the third paragraph of the owner's manual states,

"No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice President, or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States, or under any state, who, having previously taken an oath, as a member of Congress, or as an officer of the United States, or as a member of any state legislature, or as an executive or judicial officer of any state, to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof. But Congress may by a vote of two-thirds of each House, remove such disability."

      In other words, if glass is broken, break glass in an emergency. They're using it in North Carolina against one of the motherfuckers who somehow and almost valiantly rose above his disability to break into your home and, if successful, could be used against the piece of shit who'd orchestrated the entire home invasion in the first place.