Assclowns of the Week #107: April Fools edition

     There are some weeks when the news cycle brings with it so many stories involving so many assclowns that it begs for the resurrection of a feature that has, admittedly, lain dormant for over four years. And, let's face it, some weeks are more momentous in a horrifying way than others. And how appropriate is it that the past week led up to April Fool's Day?

     As a preamble to this special cavalcade of assclowns, observe and be thou amazed and horrified: There's Ginni Thomas (2) for sexting Mark Meadows with violence porn; Madison Cawthorn (6) for educating America on what a "key bump" of cocaine is, and Donald Trump (5, 1) for trying to convince us he doesn't know what burner phones are despite having used them and, oh yeah, for trashing seven hours and 37 minutes of the WH call logs.

     So sit back and tell the maestro to cue the calliope as we review this week's selection of assclowns and much, much more!

10) The Georgia Senate

    While, naturally, exempting themselves from any harm from potential passionate patriots, the Georgia Senate saw fit to give concealed carry rights to Georgians even if they don't have a permit for their firearms. This bill, SB319, is the loaded gas can that Georgia Republicans think is just the trick to douse the conflagration of mass shootings to which this nation has borne witness for over a quarter of a century.

     How convenient is this bill, then, would get stovepiped straight to Brian Kemp's desk just in time for the midterm elections, a time when patriotic Caucasian-American challengers will get to show their very real concern for voting integrity toward black voters and who are now allowed to bring their most loaded, persuasive arguments to the polls without anyone knowing about it! What could possibly go wrong?

9) Herschel Walker

    Sure, meat bag Herschel Walker may have a wide lead in the GOP Senate primary polls. But that doesn't mean he's electable in the general election this November. Witness Christine O'Donnell, who shocked everyone by winning the GOP primary senate race in Delaware (albeit with just 30,000 votes) then went on to get incinerated by Chris Coons by 17 points. Well, apparently, Darwin's biggest critic was bagged lying about his academic credentials by claiming he graduated in the top 1% of his class. The problem, as CNN found, is that there's no record of Walker having graduated from the University of Georgia, in any percentile.

     Oops. Maybe Walker should have paid closer attention in biology class or maybe made friends with Lori Loughlin. Maybe she could've scored him a sheepskin so he wouldn't have to lie about having one. Then maybe the Georgia GOP wouldn't be trying to hamstring him because they suspect Trump's African American won't even make it into the electoral end zone.

8) Lauren Handy

      Next time you hear about the rabid right wing flicking spittle over ballot harvesting, ask them why they're not all in a lather over Lauren Handy's fetus harvesting. Yes, just yesterday, DC Metro Police were called to an apartment on a complaint about a potential biohazard and found something out of a David Lynch fever dream: Five aborted fetuses. Already under investigation by the FBI, Handy wouldn't speak to WUSA9 except to say that "people would freak out when they heard". Gee, Lauren, you think?! I mean, what's so unusual about people stealing fetuses from abortion clinics and storing them in coolers in their home? It's not like that's some Jeffrey Dahmer-class souvenir-gathering shit or anything.

7) Daniel Harris

     I know public defenders are expected to be shitty and a half a step ahead of suspension from State Bar Associations but Lord only knows what they were thinking when they allowed their client Daniel Harris to testify for himself on the stand. Because, really, one would be hard-pressed to find anything under God's green earth that's deader than Harris' eyes, yet Harris provided that with even deader testimony. In case the name doesn't ring a bell, Harris is one of the four so-called Wolverine Watchmen who were captured last year in Michigan in connection with a plot to kidnap and murder Governor Gretchen Whitmer.

     So, what did Danny Boy do that was potentially fatal to his defense? Oh, just, while denying he had any involvement in the plot to kidnap the governor, also admitted that he fantasized about murdering her. Yeah, you have to wonder about the wisdom of the attorneys who drew the unlucky straws that stuck them with defending a brain-dead jarhead like Harris. Or maybe they hated him so much, they deliberately tanked their own case by letting him testify on his own behalf.

6) Madison Cawthorn

     Madison Cawthorn (R-Eagles Nest), the world's most beloved Nazi tourist, now can add another credential to his travel itinerary: Sex tourist. Ordinarily, Cawthorn probably would've earned at least a dishonorable mention last week just for calling President Zelenskyy a "thug" but just days later he managed to top that big time on a Poet Warrior Society podcast when he said Republicans in their 60s and 70s invited him to sex orgies. And not just your run-of-the-mill hothouse grapes sex orgies but those featuring "key bumps" of cocaine.

    It's hard to imagine Cawthorn knowing what a "key bump" of cocaine is unless he'd actually witnessed them at these Republican bacchanals. Then, after turning a blind eye and a deaf ear to Cawthorn speaking at Trump's January 6 rally, calling an allied head of state a thug and bragging about carrying weapons on him at all times, suddenly Kevin McCarthy got personally involved by having a talk with Madison. Because this is Republicans we're talking about, here. And heaven forbid that Republicans would find themselves on the wrong side of any sexual scandal.

5) Donald Trump

     Despite the fact that Trump had been seen using burner phones and that he was quoted as explaining to John Bolton what burner phones were and why they were used and that better mobsters than Trump have been using burners for years, he thinks we're stupid enough to swallow his lie that he doesn't know what burner phones are. For a paranoid asshole like Trump, who infamously never texts or emails and habitually uses other peoples' cell phones, that would be like the Mayflower Madam not knowing what a penis is.

4) Robin Vos

      If the phrase "rat fucker" ever makes it out of the Urban Dictionary and into Merriam Webster or the Oxford English Dictionary, it should append to the definition Wisconsin Assembly Speaker Robin Vos' picture with a citation reading, "See Vos, Robin." Because, really, what is there to say about a guy who set a bloated right wing hack like Michael Gableman loose on the Wisconsin countryside to truffle-hunt for voter fraud that doesn't exist then refuses to release pertinent records when ordered to by court order and has to get cited for contempt of court?

3) Sal Bonaccorso

     "Who the fuck is Sal Bonaccorso?" you might justifiably ask. Ordinarily, the answer would be, "A low-octane right wing nobody" and that answer would suffice. Bonaccorso is the mayor of Clark Township, New Jersey who was caught on tape, along with the Chief of Police and several other town officials, making derogatory statements about black people and female cops. We know this because several conversations going back several years were released by a former police lieutenant named Antonio Manata who'd secretly recorded the mayor and other officials then threatened to expose them in court.

     Just out of the goodness of their hearts, they then decided to shell out $400,000 to Manata, who I'm sure didn't ask for a penny in shakedown money. Well, despite getting the 400 grand of payola, Manata released the tapes, anyway, because he claims they're screwing him out of his pension in retaliation for the tapes. When the scandal broke, Hizzoner immediately fell back on the tried-and-true tactic used by racists since time immemorial: "I have many, many Black friends in my life." He also said he was "offended" by being exposed as a racist.

2) Ginni Thomas

     Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus and, if we're extra good little boys and girls this year, he'll bring down the chimney an indictment to slap on your fat ass.

     Among the trove of information provided to the J6 Committee by Mark Meadows, who opened then tried to shut the barn door after all the horses had run out, were some interesting texts from Ginni Thomas (R-Do You Know Who My Husband Is?). Here are some samples: “Biden crime family & ballot fraud co-conspirators (elected officials, bureaucrats, social media censorship mongers, fake stream media reporters, etc) are being arrested & detained for ballot fraud right now & over coming days, & will be living in barges off GITMO to face military tribunals for sedition.” “Do not concede. It takes time for the army who is gathering for his back.”

     Then Meadows responded with something straight out of the King James Bible: “Evil always looks like the victor until the King of Kings triumphs. Do not grow weary in well doing. The fight continues.” The texts prove that both Thomas, the wife of a sitting Justice on the SCOTUS, and Trump's chief of staff were no different from all these other Dominionist, Qanon whack jobs of which we already have in overabundance. This wouldn't be half as bad were it not for the fact that it seems Uncle Thomas seems to agree with wifey on all things, among them a refusal to recuse himself in cases in which evidence against his wife would come up. So, yeah, let's talk about "judicial activism", assholes.

1) Donald Trump

    It's bad enough to be compared to Richard Nixon for anything. It's even worse when Nixon compares favorably to you. Because Nixon deprived us of just 18½ minutes of American history, Donald Trump deprived us, and the January 6 Committee, of over seven and a half hours of White House phone logs for January 6, 2021.

    CNN's headline on this matter is misleading. While technically, the call logs may be complete, it doesn't mean that White House documentation wasn't deliberately circumvented. After all, the White House switchboard, which literally goes all the way back to the Kennedy administration, can't track communications from devices such as cell phones. We know from other sources that Trump had made several phone calls to specific people during the seven hour and 37 minute-long gap in the records. Trump spends more time on the phone than a 15 year-old girl. It's inconceivable that, during the first time the Capitol was sacked in 207 years, that Trump wouldn't be on the phone with anyone.

     So, yeah, while the call log for January 6th may be complete, it only proves the seven and a half hour-long gap was deliberately carved out of the call log.