Wednesday, December 25, 2013

It's a Blunderful Life

(Editor's note: When in doubt, bring back the classics, such as this gem from 2005. Enjoy and Happy Holidays.)

(CAMERA PULLS UP from the Failey ranch and travels up through the sky until it is above the falling snow and moving slowly toward a firmament full of stars. As the camera stops we hear the following voices talking, and as each voice is heard, one of the stars twinkles brightly.)

“I wouldn’t have gotten those six budget-busting tax breaks if it wasn’t for George Failey.”

“Conservative evangelicals wouldn’t be back on the map but for George Failey.”

“George Failey made it possible for the Gulf Coast to make a fresh start.”

“Thanks heavens George Failey woke up on 9/11 and attacked someone for it.”

Franklin: “Oh, shit. George Failey’s fucking up again.”
Joseph: “Looks like George needs a guardian angel.”
Franklin: “That wet-brained, coke-addled fuckup? He’d need a platoon of guardian angels, plus air support. Who do we have?”
Joseph: “With the Republicans about to lose their majority, all our guardian angels are booked up for the next twenty years. However…”
Franklin: “However…”?
Joseph: “Well, we just brought up Karl Odbody.”
Franklin: “Oh, sweet Jesus. He wouldn’t even be up here if Old Scratch didn’t start a work release program in Hades just to get rid of him. Still, if he’s all we got…”
Joseph: “‘Fraid so.”
Franklin: “Karl. Karl Odbody!”
Karl Odbody: “Yes, sir!”
Franklin: “What took you so long?”
Karl: “Sorry, sir. I was plant… er, finding a bug in my new office. I think JFK planted it.”
Joseph: “Look, never mind that. We have a mission for you. George Failey needs you. See him down there?”
Karl: “You mean the one who just fell off his kid’s tricycle?”
Franklin: “That’s the one.”
Karl: “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”
Franklin: “No, we’re not. If anyone ever needed to be saved, it’s George Failey.”
Karl: (Jesus, every shit job that comes down the pike.) “Alright, I’ll give him some sympathy, maybe some therapy, zippity do-dah, and I’ll…”
Joseph: “No, Karl. Not this time. This one needs special attention.”
Franklin: “Actually, he has our attention because he has special needs. Now go down to earth and help out George.”
Karl: “Yes, sir.” (Fucking assholes. How about asking me to win the mid-term elections for the Republicans, while you’re at it?)
Joseph: “Now, hold on, Karl. If you’re going to save this bird, you might as well know something about him. Pull up a cloud and sit down…”

This is George Failey as a boy, the oldest of the four Failey brothers. Even then, George had big ambitions.

“I wish I had a million bazillion dollars, plus stock options… Hot dog!”

This is George Failey all grown up (Well, technically) the day his inheritance kicked in. His Dad runs the Building and Loan in Dedford Falls. George has bigger dreams and ambitions than ever and wants to build things all over the country, like oil derricks and refineries. Then again, George also wants to be an spaceman and a rodeo clown. George is about to go on a world-wide fishing trip.

George: “I once caught a perch this big, even though the looters in New Orleans were scaring away the fish.”

George never had to worry about working a day in his life because Dad ran the Building and Loan and was helped by Cousin DeLay, Cousin Hughes and his brother Paul. When George, Jr. got in trouble, Dad always bailed him out to make sure he kept his record clean in case he had to take over the family dynasty

George is a child of privilege and as a consequence he’s easily bored and distracted. George never found out what he wants in life except for scotch and pretzels. Still, even though George has blundered from one failed enterprise to another, you gotta give him credit for never giving up. And Pop Failey, ever the supportive, loving parent, always indulged him.

Ma Failey: “Don’t you think you ought to go upstairs and tell them to do that Yale hazing ritual more quietly?”
Pa Failey: “Oh, let them alone. I wish I was up there with them. “
(off camera) “No, not the coat hanger! (Ssssss!) Agh! It burns, it burns!!” (George and Jeb laugh.)
Ma Failey: (chuckling) “Boys will be boys. And these hazing skills may serve him in good stead later on in life…”

When people needed homes built and rebuilt, they went to Pop Failey’s Building and Loan. It was a wonderful arrangement: Mr. Richard Potter would knock down their homes citing pre-emptive reasons and management change and the Faileys would loan people the money to rebuild. Their clients include the citizens of Iraq and New Orleans.

But there was a reason why George was never permitted to run the Building and Loan. You see, George is a fuckup especially when it comes to money. We have it on good authority that his mother’s umbilical cord was wrapped too tightly around his neck. George’s business endeavors, even though he was bailed out by Pop Failey, James R. Bath and others, lost a bit of money over the years.

Cousin DeLay: “This is the last two dollars that the Building and Loan has, George.”
Failey: “OK, guysh. Go ahead and make babies… Hey, waitaminnit. These dollar bills are the same. They can’t have babies. That would be like gay marriage.”
Cousin Hughes: “Burn them!”
Failey: “You’re right, Karen. Tom, gimme a match… Uncle Paul, refill my glassh...”

Still, despite all his blunders, George is a kind-hearted slob and is always willing to help the people of Dedford Falls when they were in need. Here’s George helping out Violent Bicker, the town gossip:

George: “I know you want to write nasty shit about our enemies so here’s a list of people that you can call gay in your next book…”
Violent Bicker: “Hm. Bill Clinton, Al Gore… I like how you think, George. This will have to do. Boy, you call for the deaths of a Supreme Court Justice, one lousy ex-President and a billion or so unconverted Muslims and you never hear the end of it. If you were President, George, we wouldn‘t have to cower like this.”
George: “Well, if you’ll excuse me, I have to see if Potter and his goon leaked that stuff about Valerie Plame to Bob Novak…”

George was always sweet on both Violent Bicker and Laura Welch ever since childhood. But his heart always belonged to Laura, the town librarian.

Laura was a heartless cocktease who drove George into a jealous rage by pretending to romance their old childhood friend James R. Bath. After his brief Texas Air National Guard stint, James had made his fortune in petroleum during the war and was wooing the town librarian all way from New York City.

Laura: “Oh, James, I love it when you say Hee Haw!”
George: “What?! Is he bragging about the size of his cock, again?!”
Laura: “Oh, maybe. Nobody, James. That was just George.”

Then one day, as George was about to go on his world-wide fishing trip, tragedy struck…

Building & Loan Officer: “George, bad news. It’s your father…”
Failey: “Oh my God. Is he dead?”
Officer: “No, worse. He got voted out by the board. We kept telling him, ‘It‘s the books, Stupid’.”
George: “But I’m gonna shake the dust of this miserable town off the soles of my shoes. I wanna build things, drill in the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge and the Gulf of Mexico. Maybe become a cowboy or an astronaut or maybe a pirate.”
Officer: “George, the board won’t sell the Building and Loan to Potter on one condition and that’s if you stay on as the chief executive.”
George: “But I don’t wanna be in charge, to be responsible and shit. Figgerin’ out ways to save money on a length of oil pipeline so I can give annual tax breaks to the rich. Go elect my brother Neil, he’s your man…”
Officer: “He’s busy trying to get his tie out of the shredder at the Savings & Loan. Besides, George, the board’s already decided: With your father gone, if you don’t take over, Potter will.”
George: “What’s the difference?”
Officer: “I… Well, I don’t know, George.”

George gamely tried to run the Building and Loan with Cousin DeLay’s, Cousin Hughes’ and Uncle Paul’s help but none of them were Old Man Failey. George was the biggest fuckup of them all. Still, with the steady income, George persevered and married Laura Welch and they soon raised a family.

Man in crowd: “George, we demand to know how our money’s being spent. Where is it?”
George: “You're thinking of this place all wrong. As if I had the money back in a safe. The money's not here. Your money's in Trent's house... right next to Ahmed’s. And in that children’s cancer hospital in Basra, and the war in Afghanistan, Iraq, on terror and a hundred others. There’s cost drivers, tax deferments, interest rates, all sorts of economic stuff…”
Crowd: “Huh?!” “What the fuck are you talking about, George?”
George: “My head hurts. I don’t like being in charge…”

Karl: “What happened then?”
Joseph: “Well, Karl, in no time flat George lost $317,000,000 of the Building and Loan’s money. He had to crawl to his old nemesis Mr. Dick Potter for help.”

George: “And another thing, you warped, frustrated old man: The middle-class and poor people of Dedford Falls do most of the suffering, living and dying here in town. I, for one, don’t wanna be one of them. The Building and Loan sucks. It gives me headaches.”
Potter: “George, I want you to work for me. I’ll start you off at, oh, $400,000 a year. I’ll make you my junior partner and President of Contract Procurements here at Halliburton.”

George: “Deal! Sorry, people. Opportunities like this don‘t come a’knockin’ every day!”

But George’s fortunes were soon reversed. When Mr. Potter displaced over a million Iraqis in another pre-emptive war, the Building and Loan was instructed to rush almost nine billion dollars for Iraq’s reconstruction on Christmas Eve.

Karl: “So, what happened?”
Joseph: “George fucked up yet again by trusting Uncle Paul with the money. Watch what happened earlier today.”

Uncle Paul: “Well, it looks like our little war is going splendidly, Mr. Potter. Shame about New Orleans, though.”
Potter: “Humph. They can go fuck themselves. It’s their fault for being poor.”
Uncle Paul (wrapping up check for 8.8 billion dollars in newspaper and handing it to Potter.) “Well, you can’t keep those Faileys down.”
Potter: “Well, they make convenient figureheads from time to time.”

(Uncle Paul walks to the teller, hands him a deposit slip sans cash.)

(Potter opens the paper and finds the 8.8 billion and instructs his goon to wheel him into his office. He peers out the door and watches.)

Teller: “Aren’t you forgetting something, Paul?”
Paul: “Huh?”

Joseph: “Back at the Building and Loan, things got tense between George and Paul.”

George: “What did you do with that nine billion dollars, you stupid cocksucker? Do you know what this means? An inquiry or two from the back pages of the liberal media, left wing bloggers impotently screaming bloody murder! How am I going to blame this on Bill Clinton?”
Paul: “George, there’s only a certain amount of financial transparency that you can expect.”
George: “You’re right. But Fitzgerald the bank examiner is coming any minute now to check the books. So, think! Where’s the money, you dumb fuck?!”
Paul: “I don’t know. I can’t think anymore! My head hurts!”
George: “That’s my line.”

Richard B. Potter: “So, Failey, you lost $8,800,000,000 and you come crawling to me again for help. Do you have any security, stocks, bonds?”
George: “Well, I have these stock options from Arbusto and Harken Energy…”
Potter: (sputtering) “Wha…? Those are the companies you bankrupted, Shit for Brains! And, besides, these aren’t even real. You drew them in crayon! They’re more worthless than you! What else have you got?”
Failey: “Well, nothing.”
Potter: “You used to be so cocky. You were going to take on the world. You once called me a ‘warped, frustrated old man.’ Look at you, now, a warped, frustrated slightly younger man.”
Failey: “But, Mr. Potter, I’m desperate.”
Potter: “Well, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do for you, George. I’m going to swear…
Failey: “Swear out a warrant for my arrest?”
Potter: “No, I’m going to swear at you, first. Go fuck yourself! Also, I’m going to call your father and make myself your Vice President at the Building and Loan. We‘ll get you out of this latest mess.”
Failey: “Oh, thank you, Mr. Potter! I never would’ve thought of that on my own!”
Potter: “Fuck you.”
Failey: “Merry Christmas to you, too, sir!”
Potter: (picks up phone) “Hello, Failey? This is Potter…”

But George was still worried about Fitzgerald and having the law brought down on him. George made the mistake of climbing into his car with a bottle of Jim Beam and a bag of Rold Gold pretzels. He asphyxiated and crashed his car against a tree and staggered to the bridge.

Karl: “Oh, no. Is he thinking of throwing away God’s greatest gift?”
Joseph: “No, Karl. The fish are jumping tonight. It’s how George deals with stress when things get hectic. This is where you come in. So go down to earth and spend an hour with him, Karl, and you’ll get your black leather wings.”
Karl: “Yes, sir!” (Exits)

George: “Who are you, little guy?”
Karl: “I’m Karl Odbody. I’m your guardian angel.”
George: “You look like the sort of guardian angel I’d get. What’s that book you’re holding?”
Karl: “Oh, just something I carry with me to read when I’m on the road. You should read the new book that Lee Atwater’s writing now.”
George: “So, how are you gonna save me, Karl? You got nine billion dollars?”
Karl: “(Chuckles) Tut tut. No, George, I’m going to give you a great gift: You’re going to find out what the world would be like if you were President.”
George: “But I don’t wanna be President!”
Karl: “Think about it, George: No worries – no obligations – no eight billion dollars to get – nobody looking for you with the Special Prosecutor...”
(The clean white snow is suddenly replaced with a gray, frozen soot. Smoke stacks, oil wells and refineries dot the once-pristine country landscape.)
George: “Where’d all that come from?”
Karl: “From you, George! You built these!”
George: “No, I didn’t! I only wanted to build those beautiful things.”
Karl: “Well, you did build them, George. You’ve been president for six years!”
George: “But I’ve been telling’ ever’body that I don’t wanna be in charge!”

Karl: (Shit, this is harder than I thought. This clown’s lazier than a dead sloth.) “George, if you don’t become President… (What, Joseph? Did He actually say that? You really think he’s stupid enough to fall for that? OK.) George, God wants you to be president. He just told me so Himself.”
George: “Really?! But… why me?”
Karl: “God only knows, George, so you’ll have to ask Him.”
George: “My head hurts with all this thinking’. You want a drink? Let’s go to Martini’s.”
(George and Karl walk to Martini’s and George notices that the car wreck is gone.)
George: “Hey, where’s my car? I crashed it in this tree!”
Karl: “Your car’s not here, anymore, George, because you’re the President and you have an army of people to cover for you. The wreck’s already in a chop shop and the crash has been blamed on Bill Clinton.”
George: “Cool! All that remains to be done now is to go to my Dad’s house and pick a fight with him.”
Karl: “You have better things to do, George. You’re the President, now.”
George: “What’s that sign say? It says Po-o-t… Poh…”
Karl: “It says Pottersville, George. This isn’t Dedford Falls anymore because you’re the President!”
George: “Dedford Falls is Pottersville, now?”
Karl: “No, George, the entire country is Pottersville, population 300,000,000. Here, take a look at this edition of the Drudge Report:”

(Karl Odbody and George walk into Martini’s. George immediately sees a difference. Fox News is blaring from a TV in the corner. On it, Bill O’Reilly was yelling above a banner headline that said, “Nine More Lives Claimed in Liberal Jihad on Christmas.” A fat black man plays the piano and it’s Ruben Studdard. Two gay men walk in after Karl and George and ask Nick the bartender if they can use the bathroom.)

Nick: “Out you two pixies go! Through the door or out the window!” (Nick physically throws both gay men out a window.)
Karl: “How do you like the new America, now, George?”
George: “I like it! I’ve always wanted to incinerate those Nancy boys.”
Karl: “You’ll see a lot of things that you’ll like, George. The Constitution doesn’t exist, anymore, and neither does the Bill of Rights, the Geneva Convention and even the Magna Carta.”
George: (Trying to comprehend what Karl’s saying but sadly has never heard of any of those documents.) “Wow.”
Karl: “There’s no longer such a thing as accountability or conflict of interest because Republicans can do no wrong! We now dominate all three branches of government, plus the media. And it’s all possible because of Mr. Potter’s vision of the unitary executive.”
George: “Uni… Huh?”
Karl: (Sigh) “ ‘Unitary executive’. In other words, you’re a dictator.”
George: “I like the sound of that! As long as I get to be the Dictator!”
Karl: “Maybe you’d better stick with a more PC term, like ‘the Decider’, for instance. We still haven’t completely won over the hearts and minds of the wacko liberal fringe that’s taken over 70% of the country. Now go on home, George. You have a surprise waiting for you. Here, take this book. You'll need it.”
George: “Thanks, Karl. And Merry Christmas!”

(George runs through what is once again Dedford Falls. The smokestacks are gone, as are the refineries and oil rigs.)
George: “Merry Christmas, you piece of shit Building and Loan! God’s gonna make me Preznit!” (George runs into his ranch house where he’s greeted by dozens of people.)

George: “Laura, you have no idea what’s happened to me! I just found out what the nation would be like if I was President and I like it! And the best part is, God wants me to be President!”
Laura: “So does everyone else, George! That’s why people are bringing in baskets and baskets of campaign contributions! And Matt Drudge is here! It’s a Christmas miracle, George!”
Fitzgerald: “Mr. Failey, I’m Patrick Fitzgerald, the bank examiner. There’s a matter of the missing 8.8 billion dollars…”
Failey: “To quote my Vice President, go fuck yourself, Mr. Bank Examiner. I’m gonna be the Preznit and you can’t do anything about anything!”
Drudge: “Don’t worry, Mr. Failey. I’ll write an expose about him and his gay lover.”
Laura: “What’s that book you’re holding, George?”
George: “Something from a dear friend.”

Condi the Maid: “I've been saving this money for a divorce, if ever I get a husband.”
(bell rings)
Barb: “Teacher says every time a bell rings, a poor black person gets their wings!”
(Everyone laughs. Fade to black. The End.)


At December 26, 2013 at 6:41 PM, Anonymous Comrade Rutherfordq said...

Frickin' brilliant. and the Photoshop is disturbing...

We got your card, loved it.


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