Sunday, June 3, 2018

Open Letter to President Trump: I've Got Melania

(By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)
The Honorable Donald J. Trump, Chancellor President of the United States
The White House or Mar-a-Lago or Bedminster or Camp David

     Now see here, Mr. Chancellor President, as a Republican American, I am willing to do anything and everything for flag and country provided it glorifies or covers up for the GOP. I have already done several favors for your own family including once putting up Paul Manafort, Don Jr and Eric for a night after they frantically knocked on my door on 5th Avenue one evening smeared with dirt after a "job" in the New Jersey pine barrens. I didn't even ask Eric about the dirty shovel and bloody machete he brought into my house.
     And don't even get me started about the time Ivanka did the same thing a year later when her makeup was smeared, her dress torn and muttering something in a fugue state about "incest (being) the final straw." Then I had to deal with a sweaty and out of breath Michael Cohen waving an IOU for $130,000 under her pretty nose and your son in law Jared on my intercom every 30 minutes squeaking, "Thyril, where'th my wife? Do you have her?"
     But putting up your wife and son Barron these past 24 days has been trying on even my famous patience.
     And your silence on the matter since Melania disappeared from the public eye after May 10th has given rise to conspiracy theories that even Alex Jones would find ridiculous. (Although he has advanced his own, that she's getting the high, hard one from President Obama at his sex palace in Nairobi while the Mueller investigation records it and plans on playing the whole thing during your upcoming talk with him in the hopes of getting you to trip yourself up. Again, Alex the Human Sweat Gland said it, not me.)
     And now we have to see these pathetic things up and down fucking 5th Avenue!
     What's next, Mar-a-Lago Craigslist?!
     Now, don't get me wrong, having your wonderful little boy Barron has been a joy. In fact, it's a been a double joy for my kid brother Cecil.

     ...who's taken a really, really intense interest in your 12 year-old son. In fact, I had to almost literally pry the dear boy away from my sibling when he began telling him of the good old days when he operated back in the 90's.
     And, of course, nobody's been happier about having your family than my sweet, darling, 43 year-old unmarried daughter, Bertha.

     At first, Bertha Ceciline thought she'd gotten the perfect companion with whom she could snuggle under her kd lang fleece comforter while binge watching her full DVD collection of AMC's Women Ice Road Truckers of Alaska. However, midway through episode one, Melania had begged off and said something about having to be "anywhere but here."
     Now, again, Mr. Chancellor President, hosting this part of the First Family has been nothing but an unmitigated joy and I hereby reiterate my pledge to do everything for the Republican Party, especially if it makes Hillary Clinton (another favorite of Bertha's for some strange reason) look like a full-on Commie bull dyke. But even my patience is wearing thin, sir.
     In fact, right now, my kitchen staff is going crazy trying to reproduce authentic dishes, at your wife's request, from her native Slobenia or whatever you call it. And even as I write this, I do so through a noxious fog of something smelling like a yak's armpit and a mutant strain of garlic. And where the hell am I supposed to get a pair of platinum runcibles even in uptown Manhattan?!
     Sir, a word between gentlemen, if I may? This may be about the nasty rumors that are currently being circulated about your alleged affairs and people are beginning to talk that she's had enough. This is why she refuses to go to Trump Tower and is, instead, at my house. She says the entire staff at Trump Tower now speaks Russian, not her native language, and that the Trump Grill on the ground floor even sells borcht and knockoff Beluga caviar. She says the waiters and busboys take pictures of her where ever she goes and talk into their sleeves.
     Now, sir, I've always been a firm believer that a man's sexual peccadilloes are his and the GOP's own affair (no pun intended). And, as Stormy Daniels reminds us time and again, like children a man's squeezes on the side should be seen (preferably on Surround Sound Blu-Ray) and not heard. Now before you dismiss my concerns completely out of hand, allow me to offer a story from my own turbulent past.
     Back in 1964, when you were a strapping young lad of 18 and ready to embark upon a career erecting phallic-shaped buildings and cultivating bone spurs, my sainted mother Cymbeline left my father Ambrose over very much the same thing. In desperation, Dad even called in a favor and brought in an aging Cardinal Francis Spellman, then the archbishop of our city's diocese.
     "Now, Frankie, see here, you are going to go to that Fred Trump's house and read the Riot Act or whatever you papists call it, and tell my wife to get back this very instant. This is getting to be an embarrassment and we have a Republican fundraiser than I'm hosting coming up."
     Now, just because your father put up my mother for those terrifying 12 hours while he regaled her with stories about the time he was arrested in the middle of a KKK rally in the Roaring 20s, it does not mean I have to repay the favor, although I gladly have. The situation is different and my father's affair, ashamed as I am to admit it, was very real (although it must be said my poor father, who was too vain to wear glasses to correct his myopia, couldn't've possibly known that his love interest worked at the Moulin Rouge or what that drag fest typically featured).
     Melania has to go home now. My brother Cecil is searching in vain for Barron who's now hiding in a miniature closet beneath the main staircase, my daughter Bertha is crying for Melania (who's taken to carrying a cleaver where ever she goes) and my entire house smells like a cross between a Polish wedding reception and sheep dip.
     I realize that at times, the Republican Party is just one big, dysfunctional family but this is taking it to extremes. And I'm getting kind of tired about seeing those Zivs and Zhigulis parked across the street from my house.


At June 3, 2018 at 5:37 PM, Anonymous Comrade Rutherford said...

Good one, JP.


Post a Comment

<< Home

KindleindaWind, my writing blog.

All Time Classics

  • Our Worse Half: The 25 Most Embarrassing States.
  • The Missing Security Tapes From the World Trade Center.
  • It's a Blunderful Life.
  • The Civil War II
  • Sweet Jesus, I Hate America
  • Top Ten Conservative Books
  • I Am Mr. Ed
  • Glenn Beck: Racist, Hate Monger, Comedian
  • The Ten Worst Music Videos of all Time
  • Assclowns of the Week

  • Links to the first 33 Assclowns of the Week.
  • Links to Assclowns of the Week 38-63.
  • #106: The Turkey Has Landed edition
  • #105: Blame it on Paris or Putin edition
  • #104: Make Racism Great Again Also Labor Day edition
  • #103: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Toilet edition
  • #102: Orange is the New Fat edition
  • #101: Electoral College Dropouts edition
  • #100: Centennial of Silliness edition
  • #99: Dr. Strangehate edition
  • #98: Get Bentghazi edition
  • #97: SNAPping Your Fingers at the Poor edition
  • #96: Treat or Treat, Kiss My Ass edition
  • #95: Monumental Stupidity double-sized edition
  • #94: House of 'Tards edition
  • #93: You Da Bomb! edition.
  • #92: Akin to a Fool edition.
  • #91: Aurora Moronealis edition.
  • #90: Keep Your Gubmint Hands Off My High Pre'mums and Deductibles! edition.
  • #89: Occupy the Catbird Seat/Thanksgiving edition.
  • #88: Heil Hitler edition.
  • #87: Let Sleeping Elephants Lie edition.
  • #86: the Maniacs edition.
  • #85: The Top 50 Assclowns of 2010 edition.
  • #(19)84: Midterm Madness edition.
  • #83: Spill, Baby, Spill! edition.
  • #82: Leave Corporations Alone, They’re People! edition.
  • #81: Hatin' on Haiti edition.
  • #80: Don't Get Your Panties in a Twist edition.
  • #79: Top 50 Assclowns of 2009 edition.
  • #78: Nattering Nabobs of Negativism edition.
  • #77: ...And Justice For Once edition.
  • #76: Reading Tea Leaves/Labor Day edition.
  • #75: Diamond Jubilee/Inaugural Edition
  • #74: Dropping the Crystal Ball Edition
  • #73: The Twelve Assclowns of Christmas Edition
  • #72: Trick or Treat Election Day Edition
  • #71: Grand Theft Autocrats Edition
  • #70: Soulless Corporations and the Politicians Who Love Them Edition
  • Top 10 Things Donald Trump Said to President Obama
  • Paul Ryan's Top Ten Conditions on Running for the Speakership
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Mitt Romney Won't Run for President in 2016
  • Top 10 Results of the NYPD's Work Slowdown
  • Top 10 Secret Service Security Breaches
  • Top 10 LA Radio Shows That Are Rated Higher Than Rush Limbaugh's
  • Top 10 Reasons Operation American Spring Went Flat
  • Top Ten Facts of the MH370 Air Disaster
  • Top 10 Tips for GOP Congressmen Running Against Women
  • Top 10 Signs Walmart's Mistreating its Workers
  • Top 10 Diversions John McCain Found During Syria Hearing
  • Top 10 George Zimmerman Excuses for Speeding.
  • Top 10 Reasons Paula Deen Got Fired by the Food Network
  • Top Ten Ways Pope Francis is Deviating From Convention
  • Top 10 Reasons For the Pope's Resignation
  • Top 10 Emails Hacked From the Bush Family's Email Accounts
  • Top 10 Lies Told by Mitt Romney at the 2nd Debate.
  • Top 10 Examples of How Hard the Campaign Trail is on Ann D. Romney.
  • Top 10 Ways to Tell The Boston Red Sox Are Finished.
  • Top 10 Things Mitt May be Hiding in His Tax Returns.
  • Top 10 Events at the Romney Olympics.
  • Mitt Romney's Top 10 Wild & Crazy Moments.
  • Top Ten Reasons Why Dick Cheney Got a Heart Transplant.
  • Top 10 Facts About Tonight's New England/Denver Game.
  • My Top 10 Resolutions.
  • Top 10 Rejected Slogans of the Romney Campaign.
  • Top 10 Reasons Herman Cain Suspended His Campaign.
  • Top 10 Trending Topics on Twitter During #OWS Eviction.
  • Top 10 Herman Cain Pickup Lines.
  • Top 10 Changes Since Anthony Weiner Decided to Resign.
  • Top 10 Inaccuracies re bin Laden's Death.
  • Top 10 Ways to Prevent a TSA Patdown.
  • Top Ten Things Not to Say When You're Pulled Over.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Bowed Out of the Presidential Race.
  • Top 10 Ways Evangelicals Will Prepare for the Rapture II.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Today's Parliament Inquiry into News Corp.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why There Was No Vote on the Debt Ceiling Last Night.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Dick Cheney's Upcoming Memoir.
  • Top Ten Ways Americans Will Observe the 10th Anniversary of 9/11.
  • Top Ten Advances in Women's Rights in Saudi Arabia.
  • Top Ten Inaccuracies in Bill O'Reilly's Book About Lincoln.
  • Top Ten Suggestions From the Cat Food Commission.
  • Top Ten Worst Moments in George W. Bush's Presidency.
  • Top Ten Facts in George W. Bush's Memoir.
  • Top Ten Reasons Terry Jones Postponed His Koran Burning
  • Top 10 Causes for Dick Cheney's Congestive Heart Failure
  • Top Ten Ways That Jan Brewer Will Celebrate Cinco de Mayo
  • Top Ten Demands in Sarah Palin's Contract
  • Top Ten Whoppers in Karl Rove's New Book
  • Top 10 Items Left Behind in Rush Limbaugh's Apartment
  • Top Ten Things Barack Obama said to Rush Limbaugh in the Hospital
  • Top Ten Bizarre Promos Offered by the New Jersey Nets
  • Top 10 Bush Executive Orders Labor Wants President Obama to Repeal
  • George W. Bush's Top Ten Lesser Achievements
  • Empire Of The Senseless.
  • Conservative Values for an Unsaved World.
  • Esquire's Charles Pierce.
  • Brilliant @ Breakfast.
  • The Burning Platform.
  • The Rant.
  • Mock, Paper, Scissors.
  • James Petras.
  • Towle Road.
  • Avedon's Sideshow (the new site).
  • At Largely, Larisa Alexandrovna's place.
  • The Daily Howler.
  • The DCist.
  • Greg Palast.
  • Jon Swift. RIP, Al.
  • God is For Suckers.
  • The Rude Pundit.
  • Driftglass.
  • Newshounds.
  • William Grigg, a great find.
  • Brad Blog.
  • Down With Tyranny!, Howie Klein's blog.
  • Wayne's World. Party time! Excellent!
  • Busted Knuckles, aka Ornery Bastard.
  • Mills River Progressive.
  • Right Wing Watch.
  • Earthbond Misfit.
  • Anosognosia.
  • Echidne of the Snakes.
  • They Gave Us a Republic.
  • The Gawker.
  • Outtake Online, Emmy-winner Charlotte Robinson's site.
  • Skippy, the Bush Kangaroo
  • No More Mr. Nice Blog.
  • Head On Radio Network, Bob Kincaid.
  • Spocko's Brain.
  • Pandagon.
  • Slackivist.
  • WTF Is It Now?
  • No Blood For Hubris.
  • Lydia Cornell, a very smart and accomplished lady.
  • Roger Ailes (the good one.)
  • BlondeSense.
  • The Smirking Chimp.
  • Hammer of the Blogs.
  • Vast Left Wing Conspiracy.
  • Argville.
  • Existentialist Cowboy.
  • The Progressive.
  • The Nation.
  • Mother Jones.
  • Vanity Fair.
  • Citizens For Legitimate Government.
  • News Finder.
  • Indy Media Center.
  • Lexis News.
  • Military Religious Freedom.
  • McClatchy Newspapers.
  • The New Yorker.
  • Bloggingheads TV, political vlogging.
  • Find, the next-best thing to Nexis.
  • Altweeklies, for the news you won't get just anywhere.
  • The Smirking Chimp
  • Don Emmerich's Peace Blog
  • Wikileaks.
  • The Peoples' Voice.
  • CIA World Fact Book.
  • IP address locator.
  • Tom Tomorrow's hilarious strip.
  • Babelfish, an instant, online translator. I love to translate Ann Coulter's site into German.
  • Newsmeat: Find out who's donating to whom.
  • Wikipedia.
  • Uncyclopedia.
  • Icasualties
  • Free Press
  • YouTube
  • The Bone Bridge.
  • Powered by Blogger