A Fireside Chat with President* Trump

(Welcome Back to Gotham City has just received a leak from the White House that is purported to be a draft copy of Trump's proposed fireside chat.)

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     Good evening. Unless you live in an obscure time zone in one of those shithole countries. Can I say that on the radio? Sure I can. I'm the president. I'll just pardon myself.
     Anyway, those in the fake lamestream liberal news media still won't get off my back about my perfect call with President Zelenshy of Ukraine so I just pulled it out of a super secret safe where I told my people to stick it but now here it is in its full glory.
     As you can see, there was no quid pro quo, which is Latin, I know Latin, I took it at Wharton, I got all the best Latin words. Anyways, I know Latin and quid pro quo means, You kiss my ass and maybe I'll tell someone working for me to kiss yours.
     So here's the transcript of the actual call from July 25th, which, by the way, was a perfect call, the most perfect one ever, way better than the calls I've taken from leaders from shithole countries like Mexico, Baltimore and Chicago.
     "Mr. President? (This is Zelensky talking here.)"
     "Yo, Zolod, how's trix? Hey, congrats on winning that election!"
     "Thank you, Mr. Pressident. That is a great honor, the greatest honor, coming from you."
     "Yeah, I know. Just to let you know, you wouldn't have won if it wasn't for me. You were looking pretty shaky in Cremora there..."
     "You mean Crimea?"
     "Yeah, whatever the hell you call it."
     "Crimea couldn't vote. Putin took it in 2014."

     "Damn good thing for you, too. You know what Crimea always reminded me of? You ever heard of the word 'dingleberry'?"
     "Dingleberry? What is 'dingleberry'?"
     "OK, you know how when you're sitting on the throne and...? By the way, I gotta a solid gold toilet, most beautiful toilet ever made, Anyway, you know how when you're sitting on the toilet and then...? Oh, Pompeo doesn't want me to go there. Don't matter. Let's just say Putin wiped Ukraine's ass. Didja a favor, trust me."
     "You are great geopolitical genius, greatest of all time."
     "I know, whatever that means. Anyway, I just wanted to congratulate you on winning the election."
     "Thank you, Mr. President, This is the greatest honor of my life. My wife constantly has sexual fantasies about you."
     "I know but what're ya gonna do? The women love me. If she's all hot and bothered by me, you can... Shut up, Mike. You, too, Pence. Go stand in that corner with that sad, desperate look on your face that a husband wears who hasn't gotten it from his wife in a year. If you want to capitalize on her lusting for me, just get a Trump blond wig. You can get one at the Trump store on my campaign website for $499.95. As we say here in the good old US of A, blondes have more fun, if you know what I mean!"
     "Yes, Mr. President. You are greatest, wisest president of all time."
     "I know. I just don't like to say that too much or the liberals go crazy, ya know?"
     "Anyway, Mr. President, about the foreign military aid your Congress had allocated to us..."
     "Yeah, what about it?"
     "Well, we need the funds you so graciously gave us to buy Stinger missiles..."
     "Yeah, I been meaning to talk to you about that. I'd like you to do us a favor, though."
     "Anything for you the greatest president ever. And, by the way, I know you would never engage in any quid pro quo to dig up dirt on a political rival in an upcoming American election."
     "Last time I was in Russia in 2013. You probably remember. I used to own the Miss Universe pageant. Anyway, we did it in Moscow, where Putin and I never talked about building a tower there. And I went to the Ukraine and I remember saying to someone, "Jeez this is a beautiful country, Could use a lot more development but, wow what a lovely country. Be a shame if something happened to all those gorgeous wheat fields", ya get my drift?"
     "Perfectly, Mr. President. You want me to dig up some dirt on Joe Biden and my own country's shameful hack of your last general election."
     "I never said that but if you wanna do it, that's fine by me. Don't forget Hunter. I'm sending over Giuliani and Barr over to help coordinate things, since you're offering."
     "No quid pro quo, no collusion."
     "That's right."

     And that's it. That's how it went. Now I'm gonna ball this transcript up and throw it in the fireplace as soon as my tax returns and double ledgers are finished burning.