Everybody Was Kung Flu Fighting...

(By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American.)

Aloysius Blubberpuss had more balls than all of Wuhan combined!", I yelled after a fake coughing fit as I waddled out of a Chinese restaurant with $98 of takeout. For you uninitiated regarding our family tree, Aloysius was my grandfather and a personal friend of Fred Trump, the president's own venerated grandfather. Both men were good friends and knew each other during the Spanish Flu pandemic of 1918 and we could learn a lot of lessons from my grandfather's example of manliness.
     Now, the father of my sainted father Ambrose did not shirk from danger and that included giving the bird to whoever the Governor of New York was after being told that he should quarantine himself. Aloysius was never one to take orders and why should he have? He was the first millionaire in the history of the Bronx and he proudly made his fortune selling pieces of the Brooklyn and Williamsburg Bridges.
     So one fine day early in 1918, Grandfather was taking a constitutional with Frederick and his namesake, President Trump's father. Frederick was complaining about feeling under the weather but Grandfather Aloysiu, as stated before, was never one to take no for an answer and he'd come to depend upon these constitutionals with his good friend. "No, I feel unwell today." "No, I'm a married woman." "No, you cannot sell a bridge that you don't own!" No is for the poors, not us Blubberpusses!
     As it turned out, Frederick barely made it home and after saying he felt sick, he walked upstairs to take a nap and it was during that nap that day that he got his Great Reward. The way Grandfather Aloysius told it, it was the poor lad, Fred, who'd found his father's body then asked his weeping mother if they could read the will that day. Say what you want about my father's old friend, but the boy was a go-getter!
     As the year stretched on, it seemed everyone with whom Grandfather Aloysius came into contact contracted the Spanish Flu and died or almost died yet Grandfather had suffered no ill effects and seemed to live a charmed life. The same apparently goes for Frederick Trump's grandson, the current President. Even though Mar a Lago, aka the Winter White House, has been shuttered due to coronavirus precautions, it seems everyone the President meets winds up coming down with coronavirus. I guess the secret is in having good genes.
     So, I'm getting sick and tired of this poppycock and twaddle about other businesses shuttering and closing their doors and how we should be staying sheltered in place. Why, if it wasn't for that infusion of $2.2 trillion, a paltry half a trillion going to job creators like me, Wall St wouldn't be enjoying the surge it is today (1,100 points and rising).

     Our family had to also weather a similar scare back in the 80's when HIV/AIDS was sweeping across the world's homosexual communities. Now, my kid brother Cecil is not made of the strong constitutional stuff as Grandfather Aloysius and he'd sheltered in place for years, even though HIV/AIDS was killing off the homosexual community of which Cecil was never a part. But he was just doing the commendable thing and that scare and his self-quarantine actually gave him the idea he'd bring to fruition by the early 90's when he conceived the idea for www.cecilsprays.com, the world's first internet sex chat room.
    

     And now my kid brother Cecil, my baby girl Bertha and I are all sheltered in place and wondering if Grandfather Aloysius didn't have the right idea 102 years ago. Since we're now one big, somewhat happy family in our Upper West Side townhouse, we're getting to learn about each other again, such as Bertha's delightful and adorable bouts of Hide and Seek with our terrified maid Rosita.