Ho, Ho Hos for Everybody!

 

(By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)

So, Christmas is upon us like a liberal on a free Obama phone. As with every December, we've played our part, gotten the tree (I originally tried to get a Yew tree chopped down and sent to our brownstone on 5th Avenue but the British government wouldn't go for it), the presents are wrapped so all that needs to be done is gorge ourselves and get blotto on brandy Alexanders and spiked egg nog.

    But there are many things that occupy my mind like persistent patchouli oil-smelling hippies in Zucotti Square. There are the 91 felony charges hanging over my friend Donald's head like the Sword of Pericles plus the quarter billion dollar civil suit by arch liberal Letitia James. There's my other friend, poor Rudy Giuliani, the finest legal mind that ever came out of the 13th century, on the hook for nearly $150,000,000 and the liberals who victimized him are suing him again!

     Because of them and their fetish for the truth, my poor dear friend Rudy has had to file for bankruptcy and now I sadly await a fundraising plea from him at some place like Chapter 11 Lawn Maintenance or some such place.

    I still haven't recovered from those Venezuelan leftists at Dominion who also victimized my friend Rupert Murdoch to the tune of $787.5 million because Fox News merely tried to substitute their reality about the 2020 election in contravention of liberally-biased facts.

    So, yes, it's a challenge to remain in the Christmas spirit with all this far-left persecution attacking the conservative movement from all sides.

     But nothing vexes me moreso than the unfair fall from grace of the Moms For Liberty. And it all came about because of an adult video, alright, two, came out in the liberal media. So, the whole movement should get flushed down the tubes because of one woman's libertine liaisons in the bedroom? That's like saying the National Socialist Party should've gotten flushed down the crapper because of one guy with a bad, funny moustache.

    OK, so she munched the carpet in the privacy of her bedchamber while her ironically-named husband, Christian, buffed the bishop to little avail while their pre-school daughter slept feet away. And, yes, maybe Christian took liberties with one, maybe two women all over Florida when one of his concubines said she was more into lesbian sex with his wife than him.

     And leftist liberals are now sneering accusations of hypocrisy because Bridget Ziegler wants to keep our school libraries clear of smut like Toni Morrison and John Milton's Paradise Lost (Puritan, my fat ass!). Now, Moms for Liberty school board candidates are losing races left and right in liberal sewers like Iowa and now everyone wants the Zieglers out of the way in Florida.

   And now even my baby brother Cecil is seriously thinking of restarting his old website, www.cecilsprays.com, even though the first one is what got him sent to Rikers Island on charges of kidnapping and false imprisonment of Eastern European students.

     In fact, Cecil has been saying around the house that it's a shame the big deal is about two women in Florida getting it on (he had to tamp down a gag at the word "women" but my kid sibling always did have a delicate constitution). But he's 100% convinced that a George Nader-like Republican on Capitol Hill will make the "proper love" great again and priming Cecilsprays.com for a second wave of success.

 

    And my sweet impressionable daughter, Bertha, has recently taken to haunting Porn Hub and Onlyfans and leaving comments on W/W videos like, "Hey, don't mind me. I'm just waiting for the Moms For Liberty videos." And what the hell kind of a handle is, "Etheridgefan6969"?

    That's the real threat to our nation's youth, such as my 40 something little girl. These liberals are obsessed with smut, especially those made by conservative Republicans, that it's leaking into the media ecosystem like Trump's essence in a Bergdorf Goodman dressing room. And this liberal obsession with sex is beginning to filter down to our innocent children!

     My plea this holiday season is get out of the bedrooms of good conservative Americans such as the Zieglers who film their threesomes so we can get back to the good work of banning gay sex and keeping children from using cat litter boxes in school.

     And, for the love of God and all that's holy, stop calling them MILFs For Liberty and Assholes With Casseroles!