Bishop Daniel Jenky-
I've read in the news of you calling President Barack Obama both Hitler and Stalin. This has unfortunately resulted in a typically liberal online petition that seeks to force you to either apologize to the president or to resign from your sinecure at Notre Dame. Personally, I think your only crime was overzealousness in attempting to get the President to abandon his Protestant roots and, in the process, to proselytize him into Catholicism. No doubt, you were encouraged by Mr. Obama throwing Reverend Jeremiah Wright under the wheels of the bus as if he was a slavering, brain-starved zombie during his presidential candidacy but I fear that you'd read too much into that. The President does that with anyone in his circle who angers the real fascists in American government.
Granted (the thrice-married, blow job-loving Newt Gingrich notwithstanding), this is a slippery slope, Bishop, in converting an elected American official who may already be set in his ways. Obviously, better minds than mine have already established the Vatican's brief but lovable flirtation with fascism and aiding and abetting Adolph Hitler's ceaseless attempts to gentrify Europe of a common unwelcome presence ("Der Juden", I think Pope Pious XII used to call them until the spring of 1945). But I doubt that Mr. Obama is unready or unwilling to take that giant step into outright popery and, in the process, becoming the nation's first black fascist papist chief executive, even if John F. Kennedy beat him in the Catholic presidential derby. Plus, JFK was a bad fascist and almost as bad a Communist.
(Just as a personal aside, some querulous liberal naysayers will harp on the fact that you called our President both a far left and a far right extremist in some attempt to unite the nation. Do not listen to the unchurched liberals. It was a valiant attempt at ecumenical unity since insisting on believing President Obama is a Communist on a par with Stalin is something shared by both sides of our Great Ideological Divide.)
the Vatican did play its part in the ransoming of the Jewish people in Rome in which 70 pounds of gold were ransacked from the Jewish community even though the RCC could've gotten that much by pulling the gold thread from his pajamas and melting down the Pope's cutlery. Thousands of Roman Jews were rounded up, anyway, never to be seen again and all Pope Pious XII had to do was physically step outside to prevent the roundup (I heard he was in the bathroom with irritable bowel syndrome, a cause for much regret, I am sure, until the Pontiff's death in 1958).
I must compliment you on your brilliant nom de plume, as Robyn the Drunken Miller in The Canterbury Tales provides lovers of English literature and dirty jokes with a wonderfully filthy morality tale that pokes fun at the corrupt clergy of the early 14th century. Indeed, in your “diatribe” to that Godless atheist Justin Griffith, you had, as with parish clerk Absolon, the ultimate brown nose, farted a righteous blast of indignation in the face of true believers.
Indeed, your pen name was a wonderfully witty and erudite choice because what better way to drive home the absurdity of religion with a brilliant example of extreme ecumenical eructation than to take up the cause and the name of a teller of ribald tales from a great work of Middle English literature?
Nonetheless, your hilarious screed was pinned down like a mental patient in four point restraints by an underpinning of seriousness because the encroaching nature of religion in the armed forces is a problem that must be tackled immediately if not sooner. Still, unlike the founder of any religion, your faux identity as a pompous former chaplain is stunningly funny and more brilliant than any other faux conservative this side of Stephen Colbert and Jesus’s General.
Take, for instance, your insistence of being called “Sir” in this priceless passage:
In reference to my name, you can call me Sir. As a Sergeant, you should know how to respect a Commissioned Officer. I think you believe you wear the uniform proudly, I hope you do, but your blatant disrespect you show to leadership openly on the internet is offensive to me. I hope Senior Leaders deal with this!
If Sgt. Griffith were serious about you, and I can assure you, Dave, that he is not, he could call you anything he wishes. He could refer to you as Bag o’ God, Chaplain Chap-ass or anything he wishes. But obviously, since you’re a brilliant satirist and a fellow shooter in the foot of religion, you’re well aware that a retired commission does not remain in effect either now or in perpetuity.
Likewise, delicious was your character’s hypocritical take on the conversion issue. As we all know, the United States military, largely through the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs, has been violating the United States Constitution for decades through its ceaselessly pathetic efforts to proselytize “the unchurched” as real bags o’ God prefer to call them (and coining a nonexistent word, in the process) and promoting one form of Christianity or another while in uniform, which is also blatantly in violation of the Constitution.
Furthermore, it was a real knee-slapper when you tried to “claim” that Sgt. Griffith was guilty of trying to stop others from practicing their religion instead of what he in fact is doing, which is in trying keep characters such as the one you adopted from shoving their own God and belief system in the faces of others like goat innards jiggling in the hand of a desperate vendor at an Arabian bazaar. Surely, a stunningly brilliant satirist such as you would see the not-so-subtle distinction.
Indeed, there is something seedy and desperate in a religion that seeks to convert nonbelievers. Perhaps it’s Christianity’s innate insecurity and ceaseless sense of persecution after going 0-9 in the Holy Crusades (in which they were so desperate for conscripts, they even employed, like Hitler in 1945, children). With the child molestation scandal rocking and rolling the Roman Catholic Church and the emerging revelations of the Church of England, the United Anglican Church and the Catholic Church conspiring to torture and murder over a 130+ year-long span of time tens of thousands of Indian children largely over logging rights in Canada, it’s almost understandable why such gibberish-spouting, Bible-banging, canvas tent-dwelling, snake-charming zealots would try to pump up their dwindling numbers.
But surely, as a master satirist, you already know this and do not need me to further elaborate.
In summation, dear Drunken Miller, you are a deadly wielder of words on a par with other great satirists such as Juvenal, Jonathan Swift and Tony “Psycho” Perkins of the hilarious Family Research Council. I eagerly await your future screeds.
Your humble and obedient servant,
Poor Fox and its allies have been taking a beating, lately, and have been loading their diapers with outrage as false as their news. It took Snopes.com and a Facebook user to accurately sum up this freight car o' Fail.
Even though your silicon-based husband Willard would've already sunk his campaign without your help, you really, seriously, truly, honestly just need to shut the fuck up because you are simply a cunt. You are a gimlet in both inner ears, Nosferatu fingernails clawing forever on freshly cleaned glass or blackboards, that cat hair or two in the eyeball. You are an outrage and an embarrassment even to other rich, monster-fucking cunts like Hilary Rosen.
There's a very real chance I'll get slapped with the misogynist label but one thing we have in common, Ann, is that neither of us ever gave a fuck what people thought about us. Here's the difference:
I did not grow up in wealth and privilege nor did I marry into it. And even if I had, I'd like to think I'd have the presence of mind to not retroactively create poverty just because there was a time in my salad days when I couldn't lift my four upscale automobiles to street level with a car elevator.
"Living on the edge" usually doesn't include being able to cash in stocks and bonds because poor people can't afford to speculate in the stock market. Instead, poor people raid their kids' piggie banks, dig into the couch cushions and count pennies, sell their cars so they can get on welfare, thereby crippling their ability to get to a job interview and to a job so they can get off welfare.
That would be poor people your Ken doll of a husband Willard made poor by buying up corporations then putting them out of work, usually just before Christmas, while outsourcing their jobs to China or liquidating the company. Poor people sometimes work, sometimes two or more jobs (when there were jobs, not that you'd have any insight into that), just to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. They usually don't have rich industrialist/Governors/HUD directors as fathers to bail them out when their stock portfolio gets a little thin.
And in your little self-defensive diatribe about all the troubles you've seen, I don't recall you mentioning Mitt's student loans that crippled him with over $100,000 in debt before he ever saw his sheepskin or the Pell grants he had to take advantage of, the same Pell grants on which many millions of college students have had to depend to have a prayer of paying down their tuition, the same Pell grants that your antifreeze-blooded lunatic of a husband would love nothing more than to abolish and replace with Paul Ryan vouchers.
And as for "entertaining", for poor people, "entertaining" usually means having a moving party when families whose jobs were outsourced by your husband then had to leave when they got the foreclosure or eviction notice served to them by a constable.
And the pressures of parenthood weren't alleviated by nannies and other servants when it came time to go to a Republican ladies luncheon so you could glorify the destruction your husband wrought on real working class families and badmouth liberals and how poverty is a "mental disease", as Neil Boortz recently put it.
Staying home with the children or working one or two or three jobs wasn't always a choice (Choice is usually something conservatives like to deny those who aren't blessed with an inherited fortune, is it not?). To the working poor and middle class (which are increasingly becoming one and the same thanks to private equity vultures like your husband), nannies from upscale agencies weren't an option. We have day cares that are so prohibitively expensive it hardly makes sense to even work one of those jobs. So sometimes, stay-at-home moms would forgo work because it didn't make any sense to slave for 40 hours a week just to put their entire paycheck into a day care center's pocket.
Ann Romney, you are a pearl-clutching, rich cunt who seriously needs to shut the fuck up, the stereotype of the rich Republican cunt wife who is so clueless and so out of touch you've forgotten what it feels like to sweat. Unlike the Rude Pundit, I do not cut you a little bit of slack and acknowledge your MS and the struggles you've had to face because other people, poor people with no insurance, have had to face the same disease. And when poor people without affordable health insurance or any insurance are afflicted with degenerative diseases, it if anything widens their compassion for others.
MS has not done the same for you. You continue carrying on seemingly with your husband's blessings as if we should stop moving our furniture out of our foreclosed homes and raising kids that our work schedules practically guarantee we never see awake or spend any quality time with them so we can all have a pity party for Ann and Willard Romney just because decades ago they couldn't put on glittering parties with the glitterati like the Kennedys.
Parenthood also includes seeing your kids off at the AFEES as they take the oath on enlisting because job opportunities were stretched thinner than a Crêpes Suzette thanks to scumbags like your husband. Parenthood also includes crying inside and out knowing that your teenage child will get sent into a war zone needlessly created by your husband's party despite the recruiter's assurances they wouldn't. Parenthood for over 5000 families also includes receiving a flag folded into a tight little triangle by an honor guard at graveside. But you and your kids wouldn't know anything about that.
Because your Ken and Barbie, Ward and June version of Pleasantville parenthood means your kids can stay out of the military and not have to work ball-busting jobs or any jobs at all so they can pose with pretty, ponytailed cheerleaders and ride air conditioned campaign buses to support their scumbag father's every failed campaign because he's so creepily corporate and about as popular and appealing as AIDS in Provincetown.
So, even though you're just bringing into more merciless relief what a pair of cold-blooded, reptilian douchebags you and your husband are, for the sake of all that's holy, you seriously need to shut the fuck up, you stupid, out of touch cunt.
Won't have much computer time today since it's my son Adam's 20th birthday. But please accept these ecards in lieu of any actual content, all written by yours truly.
Derbyshire is saying something that many people believe but few people with word-slinging abilities know how to say: There are differences between the races, and whites should watch out for blacks.