Gotham City Digest, 6/7/18

     We all know Trump lusts to be on the cover of Time Magazine but if this real-life Time cover doesn't pull your hand off your pecker, nothing will. And it's alarming because it's accurate. Trump's essentially handed himself the Nobel Peace Prize and, since he'd joked about being President for life, can crowning himself like Napoleon be far behind? So, what had Il Douche and his douchettes done to give the nation collective congestive heart failure?

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     Well, at the National Response Coordination Center, Trump spent lots of time congratulating his kleptocratic, kakistocratic Cabinet and himself when the meeting was ostensibly about hurricane preparedness. Then, after making Jeff Sessions eat one of his own boogers, Trump promptly forgot to mention the 4645 Puerto Ricans who were killed last year by Hurricane Maria (Well, he mentioned Puerto Rico, briefly, while the cameras were rolling). Well, at least one thing was accomplished: Trump and Pence coordinated putting their water bottles on the floor.

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     So, how's Trump preparing for the Kim II summit?

     Yes, you read that right. He doesn't have to prepare much because "it's about the attitude." Yes, who needs to bone up on the complex negotiations and realities of nuclear disarmament? I got da attitude. This guy's preparing for the summit like a fat heavyweight boxer training for a title match on beer and cigars. Donald Trump is the Two Ton Tony Galento of American politics.

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     This is what happens when you hire somebody from Fox "News" to be a spokesperson for the State Department- In mentioning the 74th anniversary of D Day, bring up our long alliance and "strong bonds" with Germany. Who, 74 years ago, were actually some very fine people.Sounds as if Heather Nauert is a proud graduate of the Michele Bachmann School of History.

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     To get serious for a moment, you must have heard of Israel's murder of Palestinian paramedic Razan al-Najjar, who was shot in the chest and killed by Israeli snipers as she was tending to the wounded. Well, after falsely claiming Najjar came after them with an axe in her hand to charge the fence, they decided not to release her body to her family for reasons that still haven't been explained. It goes without saying we're not imposing sanctions on Israel anytime soon but there's nothing to stop the United Nations from doing that.

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     Sean Hannity last night urged potential witnesses to destroy evidence before talking to Robert Mueller. Ha ha, just joking. I would never ask you to do something so blatantly illegal on national television, even though that strategy seemed to work OK for Hillary Clinton, wink wink. Ha ha. Just joking. Well, sorta. But officially, I'm joking. Really. (wink wink)

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     You know how when a shyster's got nothing he can use to defend his client so the next best thing is to discredit the witness? That's what Giuliani tried to do in the latest installment of the televised rolling dumpster fire he is. He said he didn't respect Stormy Daniels because she's a porn star. This, coming from the guy who moved his squeeze into Gracie Mansion and turned a suite in WTC 7 into his own personal love nest before it got knocked down. Well, Trump respected her and what she had to say enough to pay her off to the tune of $130,000.

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     What the fuck is Scott Pruitt's obsession with five star hotels? First, there was the frankly creepy request he made to one one of his staffers that she find him a used mattress from a Trump hotel (Used mattresses, in case you don't know, legally cannot be resold).  There's there's this:

While EPA security agents are required to protect Pruitt at all times—while he is working and during his off hours—two individuals said the administrator had asked members of the detail to perform tasks that go beyond their primary function. In one instance, they said, he directed agents to drive him to multiple locations in search of a particular lotion on offer at Ritz-Carlton hotels.

     That's right.  The guy who's ultimately responsible for keeping our air clean added more hydrocarbons to the atmosphere so he could be driven around to mooch some free hand lotion from a Ritz Carlton.

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     Oh, if you see Kris Kobach tooling around in a red white and blue jeep with a .50 caliber machine gun mounted on the back, don't freak out. It's only a replica, which is designed to simultaneously threaten and enrage the lib'ral left so his fellow right wing nut jobs can scream about upsetting the snowflakes. Seriously, this vote-stealing racist is actually running for Governor of Kansas. And we thought we had it bad when Roy Moore pulled out his feminine-looking lady handgun at a campaign rally. And finally...

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     To go to show you what a nation of small-minded heartless pricks Trump's turned this country into, consider the official narrative of a Republican administration: We're supposed to applaud business big and small, especially championing our smallest, youngest entrepreneurs: Our children. Rah rah, sis boom bah for the Free Market and all that. That's the official line.
     The reality is that law enforcement, when they're not shooting unarmed black people, planting evidence then lying about the whole thing, have taken to busting kids operating lemonade stands. Because, you know, permits. This isn't just in one town or city but a nationwide movement. This is Rudy Giuliani's Broken Windows on steroids. So CountryTime Lemonade is doing something really nice- They've set aside a fund to pay up to $500,000 in fines handed to these little criminals who operate their shady, bootleg lemonade stands. And just the fact they think they have to set aside a half a million bucks to pay all these fines should in itself tell you something.