Wednesday, November 14, 2018

President Rain Man, My Fat Ass!

(By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)
I am so sick of this cant and twaddle!" I said to my executive secretary Miss Waddlebody just as I shoved my freshly-shined wingtip in the face of the bootblack before quickly scuttling away, "Trump misses one 100th anniversary of the World War I Armistice and people are all over him like white on Stephen Miller."
     All right, two, including Arlington. So sue me.
     It seems all those liberal Gold Star pussies jump on Trump every time he slights the troops or is merely perceived to have slighted the troops. And, unfortunately, in politics perception is 90% reality whether it is or not. And even if our president did fly all the way to France to meet with world leaders in time for the 100th anniversary of the Armistice, can you blame the poor man for not wanting to go out and look at a bunch of headstones in the rain? After all, he was fully expecting a parade in his honor like when he went there summer last year. How the fuck was he to know France wouldn't have a parade on Armistice Day and that the frogs only do it on Bastille Day? Talk about bait and switch!

     And I ask you, Dear Reader, what possible political benefit could have come from Trump going to Belleau Wood and coming back looking like this? Who knows what could have happened, especially with Jim Acosta there to cover it? Maybe that grabby intern that tried to snatch that microphone out of his hand last week like a fag sailor grabbing twink cock on liberty would've gotten hold of Trump's umbrella by accident and how could that have elevated our skyrocketing international prestige in Western Europe?
     Oh so now I suppose you'll say, "But, but Merkel, Macron and Trudeau honored their fallen soldiers!" Yeah and like Mom used to say to Cecil and me when we were growing up, "Cyril, Cecil, if the other prep school boys set fire to homeless men, does that mean you have to?" (I still have a permanent flat spot on the back of my head from all the times Mom would slap me back there after all the times I said. "Yes!")
     And you never find anyone who loves the troops more than our president and me.

     Well, actually, that's not entirely true. In my previous contributions to my byline, I'd glossed over my kid brother's mercifully brief flirtation with the United States Navy. It was around 1980, when Trump had begun building up Trump Tower and Cecil, trespassing on the construction site, got fresh with one of Trump's minimum wage-earning Polish laborers. There was a dust-up and the judge decided, after looking at Cecil's stout but soft frame,
     "Son, you have been found guilty of public exposure and solicitation. You have two choices for the sentencing phase: Either you can be remanded to Riker's Island or... Or you can join the United States Navy, where, after a rigorous course of basic training with scores of other young men with whom you'll be showering, you may one day be cooped up in tight confines on a ship with many more young men, again, some of whom will be naked, for months on end with no possibility of escape. The choice is yours."
     Well, Cecil's beady little eyes got as big as they'll ever get and let's just say his mandatory standing posture before the judge proved a bit embarrassing as he visualized being a member of our superior fighting force on the seven seas. In fact, in a burst of patriotism, Cecil raised his chubby little arm and immediately wanted to be sworn in on the spot.
     It wasn't to be, not at that time, anyway, and after taking the ASVAB seven times, finally passed it, barely, and we saw him off at the AFEES in Flushing, leaving behind a family full of confidence that he'd be a five star admiral before his 20 years were up.
     Instead, 20 days later, he was deposited on my father Ambrose's doorstep, flanked by two very stern-faced Marines like the ones whose graves Trump wouldn't visit because he refused to tie up traffic in France like he does every other weekend when he's at Mar a Lago. When Spenser our butler took in the scene, he called my father who immediately demanded to know what was going on.
     Apparently, there was another dust-up and misunderstanding between my kid brother and some of the other recruits in the barracks shower at the training base in Orlando. Allegedly, some bodily fluids were voluntarily exchanged on my brother's end, sending three of the recruits to the base hospital's psychiatric ward.
     Well, that served Cecil in good stead later when he needed that military discipline and bearing when he really did go to Riker's Island after that other dust-up involving the Eastern European hostel boys and

     In fact, if anyone else in our family can be said to love the troops more than Cecil and I, it's my baby girl Bertha. In fact, she'd briefly enlisted for a time after seeing Goldie Hawn in Private Benjamin back in the mid 90's. And as a US Marine, it was said she was putting US Navy SEALs to shame by beating them at arm wrestling with her weak arm. She probably could've had a shot at being the first woman on SEAL Team Six if it weren't for her nocturnal activities in the women's barracks.
     Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that Donald Trump didn't visit that bone yard where over 2200 US Marines died in some war between the frogs and krauts for the same reason he didn't allow himself to be drafted or why he didn't enlist. As he told me himself at the White House last week right before he left for France,
     "Look, Cyril, you should understand better than most what it woulda been like being the son of a rich man in a place populated by gooks. Look at what happened to McCain. They took him because they looked up at his plane, somehow recognized him and shot him down because they knew his old man wore scrambled eggs on his lid, OK? I didn't want to be a distraction to the rest of the boys. Because if there's anything I hate being, it's a distraction with senseless drama."
     And if that doesn't put this silly matter to rest, ladies and gentlemen, well, I don't know what will.


Post a Comment

<< Home

KindleindaWind, my writing blog.

All Time Classics

  • Our Worse Half: The 25 Most Embarrassing States.
  • The Missing Security Tapes From the World Trade Center.
  • It's a Blunderful Life.
  • The Civil War II
  • Sweet Jesus, I Hate America
  • Top Ten Conservative Books
  • I Am Mr. Ed
  • Glenn Beck: Racist, Hate Monger, Comedian
  • The Ten Worst Music Videos of all Time
  • Assclowns of the Week

  • Links to the first 33 Assclowns of the Week.
  • Links to Assclowns of the Week 38-63.
  • #106: The Turkey Has Landed edition
  • #105: Blame it on Paris or Putin edition
  • #104: Make Racism Great Again Also Labor Day edition
  • #103: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Toilet edition
  • #102: Orange is the New Fat edition
  • #101: Electoral College Dropouts edition
  • #100: Centennial of Silliness edition
  • #99: Dr. Strangehate edition
  • #98: Get Bentghazi edition
  • #97: SNAPping Your Fingers at the Poor edition
  • #96: Treat or Treat, Kiss My Ass edition
  • #95: Monumental Stupidity double-sized edition
  • #94: House of 'Tards edition
  • #93: You Da Bomb! edition.
  • #92: Akin to a Fool edition.
  • #91: Aurora Moronealis edition.
  • #90: Keep Your Gubmint Hands Off My High Pre'mums and Deductibles! edition.
  • #89: Occupy the Catbird Seat/Thanksgiving edition.
  • #88: Heil Hitler edition.
  • #87: Let Sleeping Elephants Lie edition.
  • #86: the Maniacs edition.
  • #85: The Top 50 Assclowns of 2010 edition.
  • #(19)84: Midterm Madness edition.
  • #83: Spill, Baby, Spill! edition.
  • #82: Leave Corporations Alone, They’re People! edition.
  • #81: Hatin' on Haiti edition.
  • #80: Don't Get Your Panties in a Twist edition.
  • #79: Top 50 Assclowns of 2009 edition.
  • #78: Nattering Nabobs of Negativism edition.
  • #77: ...And Justice For Once edition.
  • #76: Reading Tea Leaves/Labor Day edition.
  • #75: Diamond Jubilee/Inaugural Edition
  • #74: Dropping the Crystal Ball Edition
  • #73: The Twelve Assclowns of Christmas Edition
  • #72: Trick or Treat Election Day Edition
  • #71: Grand Theft Autocrats Edition
  • #70: Soulless Corporations and the Politicians Who Love Them Edition
  • Top 10 Things Donald Trump Said to President Obama
  • Paul Ryan's Top Ten Conditions on Running for the Speakership
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Mitt Romney Won't Run for President in 2016
  • Top 10 Results of the NYPD's Work Slowdown
  • Top 10 Secret Service Security Breaches
  • Top 10 LA Radio Shows That Are Rated Higher Than Rush Limbaugh's
  • Top 10 Reasons Operation American Spring Went Flat
  • Top Ten Facts of the MH370 Air Disaster
  • Top 10 Tips for GOP Congressmen Running Against Women
  • Top 10 Signs Walmart's Mistreating its Workers
  • Top 10 Diversions John McCain Found During Syria Hearing
  • Top 10 George Zimmerman Excuses for Speeding.
  • Top 10 Reasons Paula Deen Got Fired by the Food Network
  • Top Ten Ways Pope Francis is Deviating From Convention
  • Top 10 Reasons For the Pope's Resignation
  • Top 10 Emails Hacked From the Bush Family's Email Accounts
  • Top 10 Lies Told by Mitt Romney at the 2nd Debate.
  • Top 10 Examples of How Hard the Campaign Trail is on Ann D. Romney.
  • Top 10 Ways to Tell The Boston Red Sox Are Finished.
  • Top 10 Things Mitt May be Hiding in His Tax Returns.
  • Top 10 Events at the Romney Olympics.
  • Mitt Romney's Top 10 Wild & Crazy Moments.
  • Top Ten Reasons Why Dick Cheney Got a Heart Transplant.
  • Top 10 Facts About Tonight's New England/Denver Game.
  • My Top 10 Resolutions.
  • Top 10 Rejected Slogans of the Romney Campaign.
  • Top 10 Reasons Herman Cain Suspended His Campaign.
  • Top 10 Trending Topics on Twitter During #OWS Eviction.
  • Top 10 Herman Cain Pickup Lines.
  • Top 10 Changes Since Anthony Weiner Decided to Resign.
  • Top 10 Inaccuracies re bin Laden's Death.
  • Top 10 Ways to Prevent a TSA Patdown.
  • Top Ten Things Not to Say When You're Pulled Over.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Bowed Out of the Presidential Race.
  • Top 10 Ways Evangelicals Will Prepare for the Rapture II.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Today's Parliament Inquiry into News Corp.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why There Was No Vote on the Debt Ceiling Last Night.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Dick Cheney's Upcoming Memoir.
  • Top Ten Ways Americans Will Observe the 10th Anniversary of 9/11.
  • Top Ten Advances in Women's Rights in Saudi Arabia.
  • Top Ten Inaccuracies in Bill O'Reilly's Book About Lincoln.
  • Top Ten Suggestions From the Cat Food Commission.
  • Top Ten Worst Moments in George W. Bush's Presidency.
  • Top Ten Facts in George W. Bush's Memoir.
  • Top Ten Reasons Terry Jones Postponed His Koran Burning
  • Top 10 Causes for Dick Cheney's Congestive Heart Failure
  • Top Ten Ways That Jan Brewer Will Celebrate Cinco de Mayo
  • Top Ten Demands in Sarah Palin's Contract
  • Top Ten Whoppers in Karl Rove's New Book
  • Top 10 Items Left Behind in Rush Limbaugh's Apartment
  • Top Ten Things Barack Obama said to Rush Limbaugh in the Hospital
  • Top Ten Bizarre Promos Offered by the New Jersey Nets
  • Top 10 Bush Executive Orders Labor Wants President Obama to Repeal
  • George W. Bush's Top Ten Lesser Achievements
  • Empire Of The Senseless.
  • Conservative Values for an Unsaved World.
  • Esquire's Charles Pierce.
  • Brilliant @ Breakfast.
  • The Burning Platform.
  • The Rant.
  • Mock, Paper, Scissors.
  • James Petras.
  • Towle Road.
  • Avedon's Sideshow (the new site).
  • At Largely, Larisa Alexandrovna's place.
  • The Daily Howler.
  • The DCist.
  • Greg Palast.
  • Jon Swift. RIP, Al.
  • God is For Suckers.
  • The Rude Pundit.
  • Driftglass.
  • Newshounds.
  • William Grigg, a great find.
  • Brad Blog.
  • Down With Tyranny!, Howie Klein's blog.
  • Wayne's World. Party time! Excellent!
  • Busted Knuckles, aka Ornery Bastard.
  • Mills River Progressive.
  • Right Wing Watch.
  • Earthbond Misfit.
  • Anosognosia.
  • Echidne of the Snakes.
  • They Gave Us a Republic.
  • The Gawker.
  • Outtake Online, Emmy-winner Charlotte Robinson's site.
  • Skippy, the Bush Kangaroo
  • No More Mr. Nice Blog.
  • Head On Radio Network, Bob Kincaid.
  • Spocko's Brain.
  • Pandagon.
  • Slackivist.
  • WTF Is It Now?
  • No Blood For Hubris.
  • Lydia Cornell, a very smart and accomplished lady.
  • Roger Ailes (the good one.)
  • BlondeSense.
  • The Smirking Chimp.
  • Hammer of the Blogs.
  • Vast Left Wing Conspiracy.
  • Argville.
  • Existentialist Cowboy.
  • The Progressive.
  • The Nation.
  • Mother Jones.
  • Vanity Fair.
  • Citizens For Legitimate Government.
  • News Finder.
  • Indy Media Center.
  • Lexis News.
  • Military Religious Freedom.
  • McClatchy Newspapers.
  • The New Yorker.
  • Bloggingheads TV, political vlogging.
  • Find, the next-best thing to Nexis.
  • Altweeklies, for the news you won't get just anywhere.
  • The Smirking Chimp
  • Don Emmerich's Peace Blog
  • Wikileaks.
  • The Peoples' Voice.
  • CIA World Fact Book.
  • IP address locator.
  • Tom Tomorrow's hilarious strip.
  • Babelfish, an instant, online translator. I love to translate Ann Coulter's site into German.
  • Newsmeat: Find out who's donating to whom.
  • Wikipedia.
  • Uncyclopedia.
  • Icasualties
  • Free Press
  • YouTube
  • The Bone Bridge.
  • Powered by Blogger